Page 9 of A Reindeer Wish for Love
When I glanced at my phone, it was 4 p.m.I had timed everything just right to get to the office on time and see Mason so he could inspect my attire since he had said he would be my mentor.The party started at 6 p.m.and would end around 10 p.m.Everyone would be drunk by then and there were cars available to drive them home.I had planned on taking a cab with my new signing bonus.
Before I’d dressed, I sprayed on the cologne I’d always wanted, but couldn’t afford.Who paid three hundred for a bottle of cologne by Tom Ford?Not me, but here I was spraying it into the air and walking into it.I had seen someone do that.I didn’t want Mason to smell me before I got there.I wanted him to get close to me and then say something.But why would he compliment a man?Straight men don’t compliment men and especially younger men,I thought.
Deep down I’d hope Tyler and Marty were right and wrong.
There I was dreaming about Mason as I glared into the floor to ceiling mirror on the door leading into my friends’ bedroom when Marty opened the door and stepped out.He whistled. “Damn, but you look like you’ve just stepped on to a runway.”
I tried to carry myself as if I was used to wearing a suit like this.That Tom Ford wore me and owned me.I didn’t own it.I couldn’t see anything but that suit, and no one else would be able to see me for that attention grabbing suit and those shoes with a shine like a mirror.
“I don’t feel comfortable in this suit, Marty.”
“What are you going to do, take it off and put on one that cost fifty-nine dollars?The one in the closet you had for your interview?”
“I had hoped I could borrow a suit from you or Tyler?You’re about my size.”
“Be honest.Have you ever seen us wear suits?Our jobs don’t call for suits.We’re I.T.guys, and if we had money, we still wouldn’t wear suits.You were born to wear that suit, even if you think you weren’t.All you have to do is wear it.Head up and no slouching and you’ll be alright.”
Marty hit me on the shoulder.I guessed I needed that because it only took a few more seconds before I saw what he was talking about.
“Now go to that party and own it,” Marty encouraged.
Tyler strode out the closed door and glanced at me and whistled.Then with a common cliché, he said, “You’ve heard the saying, fake it until you make it.It’s a well-worn statement, but it has a lot of truth to it.Now go out there and make every straight and gay man proud who never had a chance to wear one of those suits, but wanted one sometime in their life.”
I nodded and straightened my shirt and placed my tie in my inside pocket, because I wanted Mason to tie the knot for me, even though I said I knew how.Yet I didn’t want Mason to think I was lying to him, therefore, I took more time to tie the Half Windsor knot.
I wanted him close to me, but I wanted his approval even more.Nevertheless, when a man got close to another man you could feel him.I wanted to feel him.Feel his spirit and feel his body if it came to that.
Finally, I stepped out into the evening and hailed a cab, because you couldn’t wear a suit like this on the bus in my neighborhood or any neighborhood.This suit required special treatment.A limo or an expensive sports car of which I had neither.
Tonight would be a good reason to let someone from Mason and Halifax drop me home in one of their limos.
When I stepped out of the cab, in front of the chrome and glass building, Mason’s limo had been driving up and slowed, then parked and the driver stepped out.I knew it was Mason because I observed Mason and his driver heading into the evening traffic the day I had been hired.
Gathering my courage and pretending I was the man I wanted to be one day I sauntered into the building and into the elevator.The large elevator was crowded with people laughing and smiling at me.“You must be a new hire.”How did he know that?Did it show on my face or was it the new suit and a very expensive one at that.Although I could tell the men wore designer suits not off the rack, and the women were holding expensive purses, still no one wore a suit like mine.
I didn’t want to stand out and yet I did.I never wanted to stand out in college or law school, but I had.I had all the answers, and I was somewhat of a nerd in school and college.One of my professors had said to be prepared to have no friends because ‘no one likes a know-it all.’ But what could I do?Pretend I was someone else just to satisfy the ones who never bothered to read their law books?Or ask for help.He was wrong on one point.I did have friends and not the fake kind, but real friends who were there when you needed them.
I had come from a working-class family and I had to make something of myself and work hard, and especially if I had let the world know I was gay.That alone had set me up for all kinds of things living in New Jersey and that was why I stayed in New York even if I had to sleep on my friends’ couch.
“We’re getting off now if you’ve going to the party, new hire.”I realized I hadn’t introduced myself and I had drifted into thinking about why I found myself here and wearing a suit I knew I wasn’t ready for.
Everyone piled out of the elevator, and I stayed and there wasn’t but one nosy man to look behind to see if I was behind them.Thank goodness the door closed and I headed up to the office area where Mason had his office.
When the door opened, I strode to the desk, and a young woman recognized me.“Mr.Clayton Winthrop, Mr.Mason is waiting for you.He said to show you in the minute you arrived.”
I didn’t know what to do because my heart had beat so loudly and my hands began to shake.I knew why this was happening because I liked this man, no I was in love with him, and I didn’t know why.
Could it be because he was so damned attractive and I wished he’d been gay?I didn’t know if I could stay under those circumstances, but I’d signed a contract, and I had to honor it.You didn’t fool around with lawyers, and I should know because it said Esquire on my business card.Clayton Winthrop Esquire.This know-it all had passed the bar, and now I was available to practice law for the state of New York.
Once I realized that I was no longer a JD and out of law school and passed the bar, I felt better about myself.I had thought of myself the same little gay know-it all in high school and college, but I was no longer that boy anymore.
I was a man who earned the right to wear this suit, and be with a man like Mason if not Mason.Therefore, I strutted into Mason’s office owning that suit and the right to be there, and if it came to that, owning him.
Mason’s back was to me and when he heard my footsteps he turned with a knowing smile.“Very good, my boy.You are early as I had asked.”
Why wouldn’t I come early?I thought.This is the best break I’ve had in a long time.
He strode over to me and shook my hand.I placed my hand in his and his grip was hard and tight.Yes, he’s a top, the aggressor, and he’s letting me know it.My hand melted inside his and I knew on any other occasions when I shook men’s hands, my handshake had been firm and my grip was sturdy, but not with Mason.
