Page 27 of Operator
I doze in and out as he changes the baby and places her in the bassinet next to my bed. She doesn’t need to eat for another hour or two, so after I eat the sandwich and guzzle the water from Cal, I fall quickly back asleep. When I wake again, the baby is still sleeping, and Cal is passed out next to me on the bed, still sitting up.
It’s no surprise. We were all up all night until they released us from the hospital early this afternoon. There was no sleeping due to the adrenaline and the constant flow of nurses in and out of the room.
I could have gone to another room to feed the baby or woken Cal up to go to the living room, but I didn’t see the point. He’d already seen all there was to see of me during and after giving birth, which I cringe to think about, but push it from my mind. I gather the baby up from the bassinet and unlatch the nursing tank. The baby takes some coaxing to rouse from sleep, but I manage to get her latched without too much trouble. The nurses had made it look so easy, but they’d made sure to tell me nursing was a skill, and it takes time for both mother and baby to learn so not to get too discouraged if it wasn’t easy at first.
Little Violet.
I can’t believe she’s here. I tear up, watching her nuzzled close to me and listening to her little grunting suckles. With everything that’s happened since Ian died, it’s been hard to imagine her here with me.
The baby mewls, and Cal wakes with a start. “Gwen?” he asks, his voice rough and croaky with sleep. He’s gotta be more exhausted than I was. I’ve been able to nap a little here and there, but until now, Cal’s been wide awake. The concern laced with sleepiness and punctuated with a yawn…I’ve never seen anything so sexy.Jesus, Gwen. Hormones, much?
I give myself a little shake. “Shh. It’s okay. Go back to sleep. She’s just eating.”
Cal had changed after his shower. I didn’t realize it until now. He’d exchanged his jeans and boots for soft gym shorts and bare feet. He’d forgone a t-shirt. There’s something wildly intimate about sharing a bed in casual clothes, the both of us half-naked. Almost as intimate as what we’ve been through in the last twenty-four hours. If I’m being honest with myself, Ilikehim here. Iwanthim here.
His eyes go to the baby in my arms and I’m vividly aware that part of my breast is exposed, even if it isn’t overtly sexual. “She okay?”
“Yeah, she’s fine. Eating like a champ. At least, I think she is. How about you? Are you okay?”
“What do you mean?” he asks with another yawn. He settles down next to me and I’m struck by how comfortable it feels to be with him.
I smile softly. “Well, it was kind of a crazy night.”
“No, shit,” he says with a snort, and I huff out a laugh. “Probably one of the craziest of my life and that’s sayin’ something. But it’s me who should be asking you that. How are you feelin?”
“Like I pushed a whole human out of me without pain medication,” I joke. “Really, I’m okay, though. The resting is helping a lot.”
“Good. I’m gonna stay tonight, and then tomorrow Bunny can come and take over if you want. You shouldn’t be by yourself for a few weeks, the doctor said. I’ll make sure she doesn’t hog the baby and actually helps by bringing you food and shit.”
“Actually…” I trail off when I realize he’s holding the baby’s little foot in his big hand. I don’t know why that makes me want to cry.
“What?” he asks, looking up at me. I don’t know if it’s the hormones, exhaustion, or the adrenaline crash, but I want to ask him to hold me more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I can’t tell if it’s because I’m sad Ian isn’t here to meet his daughter, so I don’t say anything. But my body aches and it has nothing to do with the pain of childbirth.
“I was wondering if you’d stay instead. I’d feel better with you here.” The words are easier to spit out than I thought they’d be. The anger I’ve held onto for so long seems to have leeched out of me throughout the night. I don’t know if it’s the shock from Ian’s letter or numbness from the rollercoaster of a night, but I feel something like forgiveness for Callum. He was there when I needed him. Is that all that matters now?
With Violet in my arms and Ian’s note somewhere hidden in my hospital bag, life seems so very short. Too short to hold on to the anger that doesn’t seem so important anymore. Truthfully, it was a long time ago. We’ve both lived a lifetime in the years between. We’ve both been through so much.
“That is, if you don’t mind,” I add hastily when he doesn’t answer right away.
“You want me to stay? Are you sure?” He seems as surprised as I am by the offer.
“I’m sure. Bunny’s great, but I don’t have the energy to deal with her around the clock yet. Maybe when I’ve had a few days of good sleep.”
His thumb traces Violet’s little toes. I follow the movement with my eyes because I can’t seem to look up at him. “Yeah, but don’t you have a girlfriend or something you’d rather have here?”
“I’m sure I could find someone.” With growing horror, I realize maybe he doesn’t want to be here. Maybe this had all been him being nice and he’s ready to hit the road like he usually would. My eyes stay locked on his fingers on her foot.
He brings my gaze to his with his free hand. As though he can sense what I’m thinking—can he read my freaking mind?!—he says, “No—I’ll stay. Of course, I’ll stay. I meant it when I said I’d be here for you. Whatever you need. As long as you need me.”
When I couldn’t bring myself to look at him before, now I can’t look away. I can’t shake the growing intimacy between us. I don’t think we could possibly be any closer, not only physically, but mentally, emotionally. The bond forged between us during one of the most pivotal moments in my life…I don’t think it can ever be broken…now matter what may happen in the future.
And, God help me, I want what he’s promising. I want him to stay. I want him to mean it when he says he’ll be here for me. I so very much want someone to tell me everything will be okay because for a long time now I haven’t been certain it would. When I married Ian, it was because I truly wanted to live my life with a partner, someone to share life’s joys and burdens with. I’ve been missing it so much since he died, and it’s taken Callum ripping down all those defenses for me to realize just how much. I’ve been in denial since he came back. But there’s no denying how much I want to share those joys and burdens with him.
Starting now.
The baby’s fallen asleep again, so I place her back in the bassinet. Now that I’ve gotten a little sleep, I don’t think I’ll be able to rest with her so far away, so I’ll probably just stare at her the whole night.
“Will you double check the doors for me?” I ask Cal before I forget. “I could have sworn I locked them after I left for my doctor’s appointment. I think there may be something wrong with the latch.”
