Page 7 of Shielding His Heart
He seems so determined to bring the before-me back, and I’m mad as hell about it. What if she never comes back? What if all he has left isthisme? What if the after-me isn’t someone he likes? What if I get used to him and lean on him, and then all of it is ripped away when he realizes I’m not and can’t be the woman he fell in love with?
So when he gets his feet and takes a step toward me, I take one in retreat. I can’t risk it. I may act like a bitch and pretend to be strong, but inside I’m not. Inside, I’m as beat up and tender and broken as my good-for-nothing brain.
This new world is scary and unfamiliar. I recognize nothing. I know nothing. The only thing I’m sure of at all is that it can be taken away in a second. So until I’m certain what I’m going to do, I can only rely on myself. Trust only me.
Alec’s face falls at my retreat, and he quickly wipes the expression away. It’s moments like this when I know I hurt him that I doubt my plan to keep my distance. But I know it’ll be better for both of us in the long run. I don’t know how I’ll do that with his—our—children, but I’ll figure it out.
“I’ll pull the car around to the entrance.” His expression is shuttered, and he sticks his hands in his pockets.
I wrap my arms around my waist and nod. “Thank you. I’ll meet you down there.”
He shakes his head. “I’ll come back up and get you.”
My chin goes up. “I can manage. You can’t keep treating me like I’m glass.”
“Right.” He looks like he wants to argue, but he doesn’t push it. “I’ll get the car.”
“Thanks.” I wait until he’s out of the room before I relax.
It would be so much easier if the body I’m inhabiting didn’t respond so strongly to him. Again, thank God I’m not hooked up to the monitors anymore, so my reaction isn’t on display for the whole room to see. In the beginning, they wrote it off as fear or nerves, but I know the truth. Which I will never share. Whenever Alec gets close to me, I feel it down to my soul. The sensitive parts of me tingle and come to life. My brain may be damaged, but my body isn’t. And it knows him. Knows him better than I know myself at this point.
It’s infuriating to respond to him and not really know why or have any control over it. There’s a history there I don’t recall. He knows it, and my own body knows it, but my brain is the problem.
Whenever he gets close to me, I want to let him fold me into his arms. I want to surrender to his comfort. And that’s what scares me. Because although I should trust him, all I can think about is that I don’t really know him.
All I know is what I’ve been told or learned through eavesdropping when everyone else thought I was asleep.
One, his name is Alec Phineas Dorran.
Two, my name is Tana Markham-Dorran.
Three, we have two children named Paisley and Gemma.
Four, we’ve been married for over ten years.
Five, we’ve known each other most of our lives and started dating in our early twenties.
Six, he served four years in the Army until he was medically discharged.
Seven, he is, without a doubt, the sexiest man I’ve ever seen. This isn’t saying much because the total of my memory is limited to the time I’ve spent in the hospital. But I have a feeling even if I traveled around the world and actually remembered it, he would still be the sexiest man I’ve ever seen. Keeping my distance from him will be incredibly hard when all my body wants to do is make friends with him.
Now that he’s gone and I’m alone, I think back to the earliest memory I have of him. I had woken up from a drug-induced slumber or coma, and he was leaning over my bed, holding my hand with one of his while the other was stroking my hair. He was so damn beautiful I wasn’t even scared at first. But even if I was terrified, the soothing words he whispered would have put me immediately at ease. His eyes were locked onto mine, and when he realized I was awake, they filled with a sheen of tears. Before I realized what was happening, I put my hand to his cheek.
Then he said a name. And that’s when I realized something was wrong because I asked, “Who is Tana?”
He gave me this look. At first, it was like he didn’t understand what I meant. Then the realization dawned for him and for me. I realized I was supposed to be Tana, and he realized the woman he loved didn’t remember who she was.
He held onto me for a moment longer. As the confusion set in for me, I pulled away.
I didn’t know this man. I didn’t even know myself.
I’d give anything to go back to that split second when I had just awoken and didn’t realize what was going on. The split second when he had me in his arms, and I felt at peace with the world. At home. For that one moment, I knew where I belonged. I haven’t felt that way since.
The real fear is that I’ll never feel like that again.
It’s difficult to get down to the first floor without a wheelchair. I have to waive liability to the hospital, but I’m determined to walk out of this place on my own two feet. I’ve been doing over a month’s worth of physical therapy to walk again. And I’m determined not to rely on anyone else whenever I can. Besides, I’m lucky to even be able to walk. They weren’t sure I would when I woke up.
Alec is waiting at the hospital’s exit. He’s annoyingly reliable. There must be a catch, right? No one can be that good of a person and be so good-looking. Truthfully, it’s unfair.
