Page 15 of Five to Love Him
“Are they? That is too bad. Did you consider socks? Some of our teachers have decided to take the little ones into the wilderness—camping.” His voice took on an ominous tone as if camping were tantamount to satanic sacrifices. I was on the same page with Headmaster Farrow there. “I have to sign off on purchase forms for such adventures, and one of the items was heating soles! Apparently, you put them inside your hiking boots. You could probably put them inside your socks, or even better yet, you could get a heated blanket. I heard those are rather quite popular with older humans. And we will keep on practicing saying good morning back later, hmm?”
“I didn’t mean to curse at you or bitch about my feet,” I said and struggled into an upright position, hugging Bruno to me. His face was withered and squished in on one side. Bruno was about my age, going on thirty, and he’d held up well.
“I’m not so delicate that I would wither at such remarks, dear. Let me assure you, yours were not even enough to shock my old nursemaid, may she rest in peace. Speaking of hiking, I decided to take a pilgrimage several centuries back. To, ah, to see what might fall by the wayside of such paths and not be missed. At any rate, I met a man in one of the inns along the path, and his feet were all blisters. He cursed like the Devil himself had rubbed his cock all over that pilgrim’s tongue of his. Mind, the pilgrim had no heated soles either.”
“Uh-huh.” I looked at the alarm clock on my bedside table. “Principal Farrow, it’s seven-fifty.”
“Thank you, but I’m aware. Have you secured employment yet?”
“Between last night and now?”
“Yes.”
I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and booped Bruno’s head with mine. “No. I was busy. It can wait a few days, right? You can’t tell me I don’t get a few days.”
“But of course you do, Leopold. Only the thing is, I would like to hire you. I think it would be beneficial for me to finally take a secretary, train them up, inspire them, and make it so every student on campus knows and trusts them. Leopold, I think that secretary should be you.”
“Me? You want me to be a secretary of all things?”
There was a pause. “Are you frowning upon the skills of secretaries? Leopold, historically, secretaries have done more for progress than the traditionally male bosses they have been serving. Looking down upon the profession, especially in human circles, feels terribly misogynistic, and I would have thought better of you. Know that I would not ask you if I did not think you capable, if I did not think you had it in you to inspire fear in the student body. You see, if you inspire fear, I can be the nice one, and maybe everyone can finally, finally move past this evil headmaster syndrome. Wouldn’t that be terribly nice, Leopold?”
“Didn’t you just say you want the student body to trust your secretary?”
“Ah. Yes, that’s right. I want them all to trust in the fearsomeness of my secretary. You have this idea of a good cop and a bad cop, and you can think of it like that, the reliably fear-inducing secretary, and then me, ready to console our young students so that my guidance will fall on fertile ground. This is what pedagogy is all about, after all, ensuring that those with their brain still in development hear you well. So what do you say? Wouldn’t you want to walk these hallowed halls of St. Auguste and aid me in making our students become well-rounded adults?”
“Uh. Maybe? I guess. I don’t really know. I went to public school, and our locker rooms were almost as smelly as our bathrooms.”
“I am sorry to hear it. You will have access to the staff bathrooms, of course, and our janitorial staff keeps everything spick and span. I understand you cannot start right away, but how about you come by for a few hours before noon? Then take a bit of a break before your class with Instructor Arick—oh! I will tell the kitchens to prepare a cake for you! We can have cake after class with your classmates. I think it would be good for them to see how quickly you have found gainful employment in our world. You know, ordering cake and such will be one of the things you get to do soon, but this time around, I will do it.”
“Hold on just a second there.” I had Bruno in a death grip, and my mind still struggled to follow Headprincipal Farrow’s high-speed train of thought. “I don’t think I’m secretary material. I’m not scary.”
Farrow cleared his throat. “You have quite the resting bitch face, if you’ll excuse the colloquialism. Instructor Arick—one of them more than the other—fervently agrees with me on this. Has no one complimented you on it before?”
“On my resting bitch face?”
“Yes!”
“No.”
“Oh, what a shame. Can you be here at ten, half past ten?”
I pulled my legs up so that my feet were under the blanket. “I have a breakfast date with that hive. They mated to me or I’m being hazed. Not sure which.”
That actually made the Headprincipal shut up for more than two seconds.
“Leopold, focus. Did I understand correctly that you encountered hivelings and that they told you you were theirs? Their mate—I know they prefer a different term amongst themselves. Are you with them? No, of course you’re not. They would have kept your feet warm. Leopold? Answer me, please.”
“Yeah, I mean, yeah? They’re not here, but they said that about the mate thing. Tate and his secret boyfriend were there. We went to the Dazzle, and they were all chummy since the moment we walked in. They brought us nuts and made sure I got a special cocktail.”
“Young man, who allowed you to go to the secret underground by yourselves? I shall have a word with Tate as well. This is not the kind of adventurousness we want to see in our students, nor is it what I would expect from my secretary. You will have to do better in the future, Leopold. As staff, you must lead by example.”
“Tate’s roommate is some kind of ocean lizard. A swim worm?”
“You mean the man is a sea-wyrm?”
“Yes, that. He was there. And we can go where we please. It’s not like we’re underage or like the underground is dangerous.”
Farrow sighed. “I suppose not. But we like to do things a certain way here at St. Auguste. We put so much thought into designing our curriculum—at any rate, hivelings are so precious and so very caring. Very well done, Leopold. When are you meeting them?”
