Page 88 of Grind
Frank would take care of Ezra in a heartbeat, but saying so would have made Ezra uncomfortable, so he stayed quiet, itching to kiss away the sadness overshadowing Ezra’s lovely face face.
Ezra licked his lips. “So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand how wanting to leave your home so badly can lead to choices that carry their own weight. And I also loved the money that came without my dad’s strings. Getting to fuck any guy I wanted when I was off the clock, and feeling like no one could tell me what to do. I felt powerful.”
Frank nodded, surprised how similar their situations were in their essence. “I thought I was untouchable. Someone others turned to with problems. Then Paul joined the gang during some trouble we had with the cops, and all hell broke loose. We fooled around a few times but quickly worked out there were better ways for us to connect. He was older than me, vicious, and he impressed me. I wasn’t even twenty when I went on my first job with him, and didn’t really know what it was about until shit hit the fan. We went to retrieve some guns from a guy who stole them, and ended up killing him. It happened so fast it took me hours to truly comprehend that we took someone’s life.”
Ezra let go of Frank to pour them both more booze, but his fingers were right back, squeezing Frank’s like they would before things got complicated. He paled but wouldn’t look away.
“How was that?”
Frank downed his drink, not in the mood to finish his pasta anymore. “Terrible. Exhilarating. The worst day of my life. And an absolute power trip. And the respect I got from people when word got out? Out of this world. Paul spurred me on, and we became this two-man team for the toughest jobs. We dealt with shit together, trained, rented an apartment for the two of us, and even double-teamed a few guys. At the same time, I was in a place where I only lived day by day. I felt I could die at any point, so nothing really mattered, and I didn’t plan for a future.”
Ezra swallowed and picked at the hair at the back of Frank’s hand. “What changed?”
“My granddad came back into the picture. I wasn’t in touch with him, but my father died in a car accident, and I think he wanted to reconnect. He was the owner of this whole place before me. Talking to him was so different than the shallow conversations with all my buddies. He wasn’t blind, he could see I was a bad seed. I even took him up on his first invitation just because I hoped to get some money from him. But he asked questions about the future, something I ignored until then, and we started meeting up every week or so. With him I could be, let’s say… softer. I forgot how to be that around Paul.
“At the same time, Paul became pushy about an upcoming job which I felt was too risky. The gang wanted to get rid of a guy who ratted on us to the cops. Paul was adamant we needed to send a message, so he wanted it to be out in the open. He wanted to plant an explosive in the guy’s car, but I was worried about innocent bystanders. Even then, I tried to have some kind of moral code. I know this might not matter to you, but I never wanted to hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it.
“I don’t remember how exactly, but I expressed some of my worries to my granddad. I think I might have been complaining about money, and he told me I could come work for him, build a future for myself, learn about his business, and take over the junkyard in the future. It was as if he lit a spark at the end of a pitch-black tunnel. All of a sudden, the respect I got from my gang didn’t feel like sitting on a throne, but being shackled to it.”
Ezra made Frank feel the same way Granddad had. He made Frank want to be better. To be dependable, honest, someone Ezra would never have to fear. He’d spent so much time toiling away in solitude, with no one to call his own, but the brassy irises of Ezra’s eyes promised possibilities he rarely let himself dream of.
“I’m happy you had him in your life. I think you must have taken after him rather than after your father,” Ezra said.
Frank smiled, stroking Ezra’s hand even though what he was about to say was nothing to smile about. “Maybe what I have in common with him is that I also acted too late. I believed Paul when he said that the job was set up right and didn’t back out even though I wanted to. I only went with Paul because he said he needed me in case the guy somehow ran away.
“What followed was an absolute mess. A bloodbath—” Frank’s voice shook so he got himself another shot and downed it. “Our mark didn’t come out alone. He was going on some vacation with his whole family. I didn’t act fast enough, I hesitated, and seconds later, all five of them were either dead or dying. Him, his wife, and three kids. Blood covered the pavement, I vividly remember someone’s guts sliding into a gutter like a snake. There was an ungodly scream, like a wailing for all those already dead, and then it just stopped. I thought I was used to gore, but that day broke something in me.”
Ezra’s expression was tense, but he didn’t let go of Frank’s hand, and it didn't matter much whether it was for Frank’s sake or his own. They both needed support tonight. “That’s when you left?”
Frank nodded. “I could never fix what happened, but I told Paul I wouldn’t kill again. We both had shit on each other, and I think he understood that what he did was my last straw. It wasn’t straightforward, but I untangled myself from the gang under the pretense of needing to care for my granddad. Weirdly enough, they were understanding. But with those connections still in the rearview mirror, when I inherited the place, I ended up being the person to go to when shit needed to be hidden or disappeared, because this place is so vast and remote. I didn’t love it, but I was barely making ends meet with legitimate business, and the occasional dirty work kept the junkyard afloat. And then my sister got sick, and I did what I had to.”
Emotions passed over Ezra’s features like freight trains speeding in opposite directions. “Are they all bad people?”
“Yeah, that’s the deal with the motorcycle club and the few other people that know. I’m not perfect, Ezra. I’ll never make up for what I did, but I try to continue my granddad’s legacy in my own way. It’s not easy when you’re gay and on the fringe of society, so I helped Jag when he needed it, gave Shane a hand, made a place in my home for Dex. In the process, I got their hands dirty too, but life isn’t black and white. We support each other like family, not like in the gang, where it was all about being useful. Not like with Paul.”
Ezra nodded, and his lips stretched into the softest of smiles. Frank would have swallowed a live eel to be graced with it more often. “They all love you like an older brother,” he said and squeezed Frank’s hand with so much tenderness, hope lit up all of Frank’s body.
He took a deep breath, spurred on by the alcohol coursing through his veins. “And I’m happy to give people a place they can call home. That um… includes you, Ezra.”
When Ezra’s eyes brightened, Frank continued, “I know you have grand plans, and you’ll achieve them for yourself sooner or later, but until then, you could stay here on a more permanent basis if you don’t despise me. I’ve seen you putting stuff on eBay, sorting out my accounting. You’re really good at these things. If you stayed longer, I could build an extension to this house, give you your own entrance and all that.”
Just as quickly as Ezra had offered Frank the dream of maybe mending things between them in the future, all that was taken away when Ezra let go of him and rose, taking a few steps away from the table. Frank’s chest tightened when he watched the beautiful shoulders rise and fall at an agonizingly slow pace while his heart counted split seconds preceding the inevitable.
He’d fucked up. Ezra had only wanted to clear the air before leaving him behind, and he’d crossed invisible boundaries.
Ezra spoke before he managed to apologize. “That’s okay. I get it. I’ll be out of your hair. Tomorrow.”
Frank wasn’t sure how to understand that. “What? Ezra, I just said, you could stay. Do you not like the work? You could do something else. Or nothing,” he added, not wanting Ezra to feel like he had to work for his keep.
Still facing away from him, Ezra crossed his arms on his chest and took a long, laborious breath. “I don’t need pity, Frank. I get it that you don’t want this kind of burden when I’m no longer the way I was,” he said in a voice made of shattered glass and needles.
Frank swallowed and got up so abruptly his chair fell over. “What ‘burden’? You’re not a burden. You… brighten my life. What are you even talking about?”
“Then why don’t you want to see me anymore? I thought we could… go back to the way things were.”
When his voice broke into a sob, Frank dashed up to him in panic and hugged him from behind, desperate to not see him shed another tear. “No, sweetie, of course I want to see you. All the time. Every day. When I wake up and before I go to sleep,” he choked out, unwilling to hide that anymore. “But I can’t expect you to accept my dirty hands. I thought this would have been what you wanted.”
Frank was still processing what Ezra had said, because he couldn’t comprehend that after all he’d heard tonight, Ezra might want him.
