Page 72 of The Shadow Prince's Ruin
I swallow, and while I’m sure he won’t feed me to the array of slimy, razor-toothed lizards hiding in the water, I still step farther from the edge of the pier. “We had to escape…” I say weakly, but the truth is I did lose control. I wasn’t paying enough attention to how much I was taking, or how it affected Hawk. In that moment, it was all about presenting my new power to a man who’s belittled me in the past.
Hawk makes a bitter snort and shakes his head. “You told me I won’t be giving anything up, but now that you have me entrapped, turns out you injure me every time you use my shadow? Was this whole Dark Companion thing ever aboutme, or am I only a convenient attachment to my shadow?” he asks, glaring at me in accusation.
I know it doesn’t look good that I’m spending time thinking about it, because yes, I dolovehim, but I’d be lying if I claimed his shadow didn’t matter when I chose him. “You and your shadow are part of one whole. There is no one without the other. I cannot tell where you end and it begins. On the night we met, I was as entranced by it as I was by your body and the way you treated me. I… do not wish for you to feel trapped.”
“But I am,” Hawk says. He’s no diplomat and won’t bother covering a dirty table with a clean cloth. “You lied to me, told me it’s safe and costs me nothing, so you can gain access to myshadow. But now I can’t back out of this agreement until one of us dies.”
I clench my fists until my nails dig into my palms, but it doesn’t help me calm down. “I promised you my body. That was what you wanted, and it is notnothing.”
Hawk sucks in a lungful of air, spreading his arms like a bird about to strike its prey. “And I would never use this promise to hurt you. I would never demandmy rightsif you didn’t actually want to be with me, but you just took, and took, and I was powerless to stop you!” His voice chokes, and he turns away, walking back onto the shore.
I wrap my hands at the back of my head, at a loss about what to do. Am I really this bad at dealing with people? Just seeing Hawk so somber and disappointed makes me want to hug him and beg for forgiveness, but how would I even know if my touch is still welcome?
All I know is that I must make amends.
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. I am not the victim here, and I don’t deserve to feel sorry for myself. I might not have understood how much my actions were affecting Hawk, but now that I do, it’s my responsibility to prove to him that I can be trusted with his shadow.
“I’m sorry,” I choke out. “This power is new to me, but that is no excuse. I am so ashamed to have let you down on the night I promised you protection. I vow to you, that it will not happen again. I will only use the surface of your shadow, never more. I will not hurt you again.” My heart beats faster, and it shames me that he might sense it through our bond. My feelings are my responsibility. “Please give me grace,” I dare extend my hand to him so that it is his choice whether to take it or not.
Hawk exhales and glances at me, so tall and strong, yet now so vulnerable to my power over his shadow. I’ve only ever seen this exchange from one side. Never once did it occur to mehow frightening the sensation of having one’s life force drained must feel to a Dark Companion, how much trust it must require. I can’t turn my gaze away from that anymore, because my husband would never forgive me if I did.
“You know, I’ve been fucked over so many times,” Hawk whispers, grabbing handfuls of his hair as he stares into the darkening sky. “The reason why I was a wanted man in the first place was because I fell in love with a boy who made me feel sorry for him.”
“I also promise not to drink again,” I add and let my hand fall to my side, rejected. “It has not aided my control over the situation.”
Hawk nods, and when the weight of his warm hand settles on my shoulder, I’m devastatingly close to crying. “Talk is cheap, so I’ll believe it when I see it. But thank you for… trying.”
My heart is bleeding all over the wood, yet no amount of regret can take back time or my choices. I fucked up, and he doubts me. I have to live with that.
I slide my fingers onto his hand and look into his soulful eyes. “Please do not consider fleeing. It’s not safe, not only because of the swamp beasts, but also because my cousin has no doubt alerted the Lord of the Nocturne Court of my arrival.”
I’m tense but breathe in relief when Hawk squeezes my hand. Maybe not all is lost after all.
“I don’t run,” he says, only to scratch his head. “Actually, I did run from prison, and from my family,andfrom that soul river of yours, so watch it. I’m good at escaping.”
Nerves coil in my stomach but I nod because I meant my vows and promises, even if I managed to break them so fast. I will not give him a reason to regret his choice of husband.
“Hopefully we will both be, if need be?” I offer him a shy smile, even though I don’t think we’rethereyet. I want to be loved by him so badly it makes every bone in my body itch.
Hawk’s mouth quirks, and he strokes my hand with his thumb. “I can be your escape teacher. But just so I know…howwanted are you really?”
“Well… I’m a fugitive in all of the Nightmare Realm, really. Bounty hunters might want to seize me anywhere, though the farther we go from the Nocturne Court itself, the safer we will be.”
Hawk takes a deep breath. “But isn’t that exactly where we’re headed?”
My shoulders sag. “Yes. That is correct.”
Chapter 28
Sylvan
I’ve never been as tired as after the dreary three days in the swampland.
Fenren and his crew have safe houses along a route known only to them, but in order to reach the subsequent hideouts before nightfall, we needed to keep up a punishing speed. As a prince, I never had to lower myself to physical labor, and any trip beyond the bounds of the palace warranted a well-kept steed or carriage. Yet now I’m expected to keep the same pace as people with legs much longer than mine as we traverse treacherous terrain, often ankle-deep in water.
The rocky path is slippery, the smells of the swamp are at times unbearable, though navigating a conversation with Fenren is the trickiest part of the whole ordeal. I need to give him enough information about my return from banishment so it doesn’t feel as if I’m hiding something, while most definitelyhiding something.
He wants to know about the Nocturne Court, about my mother, about the Lord’s new Dark Companion, and even why I don’t enjoy hot soup. His never-ending questions are giving me a headache, and stifle my conversations with Hawk.
