Page 79 of The Shadow Prince's Ruin
“No, no, no, no, no…” I whine even though I’ve never been one to deny reality.
When I think about it, it makes perfect sense that the Sunwolf would cast no shadow of his own, that it would disperse under the force of Sunlight inside him. I just don’t want to believe it, because the implications are my worst nightmare.
I cover my face and sob.
It’s a shameful moment, which not only lays bare all my insecurities and weaknesses but also once again punishes the man I love for having the audacity to risk his life for mine. I should suffer in silence. I should cover my grief with a smile andoffer my gratitude, but I cannot bring myself to do it. The wound is so fresh, and it already festers.
Hawk doesn’t move. Doesn’t speak. He’s silent, as if I’ve struck him in the face while I let myself mourn a future that will never come.
“Sylvan?” he asks after endless moments, so quietly I barely hear him over the dull thud of my own heart.
“Everything is gone. The mask, your shadow…” I utter through tears and sit at his feet. I’m almost angry the carpet of moss and clover is so soft under me, because I deserve to suffer for the mistakes I made. It’s all my fault. Why did I insist on picking the marroweed for Hawk, if he didn’t want me to? “This whole endeavor has been for nothing.”
Hawk exhales, and I watch him sit cross-legged only two paces away. He combs his fingers through the undergrowth between us. “I didn’t want this to happen.”
The black hole that opens up inside me is darker and deeper than Hawk’s shadow was. I have no strength left to fight my tears. “Of course you didn’t. You only wanted to save our lives, but it doesn’t matter that it’s not your fault. I didn’t plan this well enough, I took the opportunities that presented themselves, and now here we are, with no leverage at court, and you’re still attached tome, a banished prince who has no right to be here. It means that you will be hunted just as I am, and I can’t protect you because I am now useless.
“For but a moment, I had a power so pure, so primal, it felt endless. It was at my command, even if I still needed to learn how to truly wield it. Now I never will. I'm back to being nothing. You’d be better off with me dead.”
I once more hide my face, because my tears are too embarrassing. I am and have always been a shame to my family. Now, I am also a burden to the man I love.
I flinch when he touches my shoulders, because he deserves so much more than what I, the last disgraced blood the Goldweeds, can offer. But then he’s close, pushing his chest against my face, and I cannot deny myself the comfort of his presence. That new note in his scent—like hot rock and fresh air—soothes my tattered soul, and I let him cradle me.
His heart beats even faster than mine, and I relish its comforting rhythm, which is already so familiar, even though we made the shadow bond only three days back. I jerk my head up, staring into the pots of black his eyes have become, and relief loosens some of the knots inside me. I feared our bond would be gone along with his shadow, but I still feel his presence at the core of my being.
I don’t know how, and I don’t even know if it’s a good thing, but I still grab onto it like a lifeline. Its presence means I can never have another Dark Companion, and I will never know power again, but I won’t say it out loud to avoid hurting Hawk again. He is my forever Companion for better or worse, and the only way our bond can be severed is through death.
“Don’t say such bad things about yourself,” Hawk tells me in a tight voice. His palms slide up my neck and clasp my face in a tender gesture.
I shake my head, but look into his eyes, no longer ashamed of my tears. “It’s true, and I have never been one to deny reality. You are bound to an elf of very little value, and because of the mask, you will have a target on your back. You could have gone to Canada and started a new life, but I dragged you here.”
I mourn the loss of his deep green eyes too, but his face remains expressive, twisting into a scowl as he gives me a gentle shake. “That’s for me to decide, isn’t it? I did not get together with you because you’re a prince. You’re still the same guy.”
I shrug, then wince in pain. At least the physical discomfort is there to distract me from the hole in my heart. “I just don’thave much to offer you now. I promised you a place at court, protection, and position. I can provide none of that as a vagrant with barely any shadow.”
Hawk rubs his face with his injured hand and laughs. “Well, at least now I won’t feel guilty over being wanted myself. We’re officially in the same boat. And, by the way, you’re still much smarter and more knowledgeable about this world than I could ever be. Your value to me isn’t in what you canprovide.”
I remember the marroweed flowers and pull them out of my bag. “At least we can heal your finger now.”
Hawk shakes his head. “No, we should start with your shoulder. If there’s any of that flower left, we’ll use it on my finger, but you are my lifeline here, and you need to be okay.”
With Hawk’s help, I take off my shirt and jacket. I can’t believe I got married in those just days ago.
“You now hold the power of the Sunwolf,” I say. “I am a burden with a bit of useful knowledge and barely any survival skills.” Still, I gently tug on our bond, hoping he can sense it too. It’s still like a thread of my darkness, but now, in some mystical way, instead of being tied to his shadow, it feels attached to his very soul.
Hawk lets out a wolflike huff and rubs his cheek against mine. “I wouldn’t have that power if it wasn’t for you. Hell, if it wasn’t for you, I’d either be rotting in a cell by now, or dead! It doesn’t matter to me at all that you don’t have much shadow magic, or that you no longer aresomeoneat court. Your family’s taught you to hate yourself, and I willmakeyou unlearn it,” he says, stroking my cheeks with both his thumbs, as if he’s trying to wipe away all my worries. “I knew I wanted you the moment I saw you, and the more I knew you, the more urgent the need to stay together became. You’re smart, and different, and speak so beautifully I can just listen for hours. You’re so strong but also so gentle. You’re sweet, even if you don’t want people to know.You’re funny, and brave, and so determined. Youchoseme. No one’s ever chosen me. When I’m with you, everything seems so fucking bright, even when there’s no light. I never want to lose that.”
It’s as if he’s sending heartbeats down our bond so I can feel just how much he means it. I’ve never been this soothed. Not even as a baby.
“I love you. We’ll survive this as long as we’re together.” I want to believe it. Hawk is my anchor, and maybe if we stick with each other, he won’t get lost at the bottom of the sea, and I will not be left adrift.
He nods and kisses me. Even if I didn’t have the benefit of our magical bond, the sincerity of the way he touches me says everything I need to know about his feelings. I appreciate that about him. There are no double meanings to his words, no secret plans or attempts at manipulation. With Hawk, what I see is what I get, and I cannot even describe how much peace this gives me after living out my life in the viper nest that is the Nocturne Court.
Somehow, he managed to bring the same out in me.
“We will,” Hawk agrees, grinning.
I stall at the sight of his teeth, because they’re all sharp now, like those of a predatory beast. But this is still my husband, my Dark Companion, and such details don’t matter, so I let him kiss my forehead and whisper sweet nothings.
