Page 71 of Enemy
I slap his hand away. “Maybe we should have stuck to that. But now here we fucking are!”
“Yes, here we fucking are,” Road snaps, kicking the nightstand so hard it rattles and threatens to fall over. “When was the best time to tell you? When I visited your home, or in a message during the past two weeks?Oh, by the way, I was the one who offed Roy. I hope you’ll understand.”
I don’t have the answers, because there are no good ones, but I’m not telling him that. “Idon’tunderstand. And that’s the fucking problem! Why? What did he do?” I stare him down, trying to compose myself as I zip up my jeans. I can’t believe this is happening. I want to both throttle him and hug him, and it’s so confusing I wish I had a baseball bat so I could take my frustration out on the shitty TV in the corner.
I expect a list of Roy’s misdeeds, even if some of them were petty, but Road’s quiet, his lips twitching as he looks away. “Why does it matter? What happened happened. But things changed, and I can’t hide it from you anymore. Idon’t wantto lie to you, even though I know you might now walk away and sic your club on me. So what will it be?” Road asks, taking a step back before stretching out his arms. Naked, with all of his scars bared, he almost seems vulnerable. Almost.
“That’s what you think I’d do? Tattle to my club? So you can tell them I’m gay?” I clench my fist, but then punch the wall next to me, because otherwise, I’d have to give Road a taste of my knuckles. His betrayal hurts too much to contain the pain inside, so I punch the flimsy plaster again and again, until it crumbles under the pressure and my knuckles are bloody.
“I don’t know. Maybe? You seem mad enough,” Road growls, pulling on my shoulder.
I push him away, feeling like I’m losing my mind. Just when I thought ourthingis tangled enough, he sets it on fire. “Because I at least deserve to fucking know what happened! How am I supposed to just accept it?”
Road’s lips twist, and his entire body twitches, as if he were struggling to control himself. Is this how badly he wants to bruise me now?
“I can’t tell you. It’s… not my story to tell. You should know secrets are there to be kept!”
He already stabbed the knife in me, but now he fucking twisted it. We were supposed tosharesecrets. Sure, I’ve got some skeletons hidden from him, but not likethis. I wish we were fighting physically, because his fists would hurt less than words.
My head throbs with fury, jealousy, resentment, all of them mixed up like some ungodly drink to haze a prospect with. Even now, after everything, he’s loyal to his club, not to me. And I don’t even have that kind of bond in my life, because the men I call my brothers are my shield against the world. I wish I didn’t need them. I enjoy the perks of being a Butcher, but I’d still sell them all to the devil for Road.
He wouldn’t do that for me, and the weight of that realization is crushing.
I guess I’m happy he has people he can count on.
“Fine!” I snarl, because it’s definitelynotfine. But since I’m not turning Road’s face into a pulp, I grab the stool next to a shoddy table and hurl it at the TV with a scream of pure fury. They both collapse behind the dresser, but this isn’t enough, so I grab the bedding next and toss it to the floor.
A part of me knows no amount of destruction will be enough to quell the deep ache in my chest, but I’ve lost my heart to a man who will never put me first. Even if I can’t make myself knock the bastard’s teeth out, covering the carpet in glass shards might make breathing a bit easier.
I’m a feral animal in a cage too small.
After breaking the mirror, I have to take a breather, because my knuckles are bleeding again. Only when I catch a glimpse of Road’s concerned expression in a piece of broken glass do I realize I’m making a spectacle of myself.
I’m fucking pathetic, and he’s now realizing choosing his club really was the better option. I can give him nothing. Nothing some other guy can’t offer.
I flinch when he places one hand on my back and nudges me toward the bathroom. “Let’s put that under water.”
I rub my forehead and dig my heels in. “Fuck that. I need to go. I thought what we did tonight mattered.” Which is embarrassing to say out loud. Like I thought it was more than a fuck. But what? I don’t even know anymore, but I’m gonna bury the memory so deep I never have to look at it.
I step toward my fallen top, but Road blocks my way, trapping me in the hell I’ve made for myself. “It did… Itdoes,” he corrects himself, but when he attempts to grab me, I shove him away again.
“But not more than your club and their secrets. They’re your family. I get it. Go fuck Prophet then. Or is that too incestuous?” Spite builds up around me like armor, but it’s not enough to shield me from physical threats. On my way to get my boots, I step into the damn shards of glass. They feel like ice, but before I can finish my muffled hiss, firm arms wrap around my midsection and lift me off the floor, as if I’m a child.
“Stop thrashing around,” Road says, throwing me on the mattress.
How fucking dare he!?
“You’ve got some nerve!” I scowl at him. Maybe if I work on it, I’ll learn to hate him again. My foot is bleeding over the sheet, and I can only hope motel staff ignore our yelling, because dealing with them is the last thing I need on top of this fuckery.
Road leaps on the bed, and I stiffen when he grabs my wrists and presses them to the mattress, breathing hard and fast. I can see his bottom teeth now, as if he can’t control his expression anymore.
“I do, and that’s what you fucking like about me, so calm the fuck down!”
“You have no fucking idea what I like!” I writhe in his hold like a feral cat thrown in water. The humiliating fact is that he’s right. I like muscular, inked bastards. I like kisses on the neck. And I like to be under him. How dare he use that against me?
“Come on, Blue Eyes,” Road begs, rubbing my trapped hands with his thumbs, as if this is just an ordinary lover’s quarrel. “I told you my secret. I could have lied.”
I want to cry. I feel that itch in my eyes, the lump in my throat, but I’ve not cried in ten years, and I’m not starting now.
