Page 38 of Choosing Hope
When the result confirmed Spencer was Lily’s father, something inside of me unlocked. I finally allowed myself to breathe, to enjoy the rest of my pregnancy without fear.
Before Lily was born, Spencer was completely present, hovering around the house, adjusting pillows, making sure I was comfortable. He refused to go into the office, terrified he’d miss the birth.
But even then, I sensed the distance between us. Subtle, buried beneath all his love and care—but it was there. A quiet gap he couldn’t bridge, no matter how hard he tried.
After Lily arrived, he looked at me as if I were something sacred. He placed me on a pedestal he couldn’t quite reach. I could see the love in his eyes, but also the confusion. Like he didn’t understand how to hold both parts of himself at once.
I still smile remembering her birth. How furious Spencer was when the midwife didn’t manage my pain properly. He came so close to being thrown out of the delivery room. But the anger vanished the moment he held Lily. He looked at her as if she were the only thing that mattered.
And for a while, it was bliss. Spencer fed her at night, rushed home from work just to be with us. I saw a calm in him I’d never seen before—like he’d found his place in the world.
Three months later, he went away for Rupert’s stag do. The instant my husband passed through the door, I realized something had happened.
He broke down. Sobbing, he told me about the sex club they’d visited. About how he and Carlo took a girl into a private room, Spencer’s intention, he claimed, was just to observe but the desire overwhelmed him. Shame was evident on his face.
When he finally admitted he’d had sex with Carlo, the words were barely a whisper. He begged for forgiveness, but it wasn’t mine to give.
Seeing him like that—raw and broken—was unbearable. I told him I wasn’t angry, explained again that I loved his connection with Carlo, but he couldn’t hear me. Guilt had swallowed him whole.
Eventually, I went to Carlo. I didn’t want to. It seemed like betrayal—but I wasn’t sure how else to reach Spencer. They talked. Things improved. For a while, he seemed lighter. More himself.
But it didn’t last. September came, and with it, his annual trip with Carlo. He returned, twisted up inside again, spiraling in guilt and desire. I tried to help him understand what he was chasing, not just pleasure, but a specific level of euphoria. The kind he’d only ever found in something raw, forbidden, and real.
So, I suggested he go back to the clubs. I understood it wasn’t a long-term fix—only Carlo could reach that part of him—but I hoped a new partner, a fresh experience, might help re-center him.
Spencer agreed, and as we had previously, we planned it together.
He went; he came home; he told me every detail. And for a while, the cycle resumed—he slept with other women, then came home to me. We pretended it was working.
But it wasn’t. I could see it in his eyes. Whatever satisfaction he’d once found was slipping away. Progressively, he went out less.
Until recently.
Now he’s gone more than ever. And when he comes home, he smells of that damn perfume.
He’s still sweet when he’s with me. Tells me I’m beautiful. That he loves me. That I still make him hard. But I know him too well. He’s hiding something.
I’ve resisted calling Carlo for weeks. It’s not fair to ask him to fix this again. But I’m not sure what else to do.
I have two choices: bring Spencer back...or accept that our marriage is over.
I’ve never been good at losing. But I’ve made a promise to myself; if things haven’t changed by Christmas, Lily and I will go.
This life isn’t good for any of us. We all deserve more.
Before I quit, I’m determined to try everything I can to repair our relationship.
A few weeks ago, I decided I needed to devise an action plan.
Step one was learning about his daily movements. The most logical person to help me with that was his assistant, Maggie.
Maggie and I have always gelled. Since she started working for Spencer a few years ago, we’ve had a tradition of meeting for lunch two or three times a year. She loves to see Lily and me.
Maggie’s become like a third grandma, and there’s no question she’s the most loving of the three.
Involving Maggie was ethically wrong, so I had to manage the situation carefully. The last thing I wanted was to put her in a difficult position by asking her to betray Spencer’s confidence.
There aren’t many people who get close to my husband, but when they do, he trusts implicitly, and Maggie is firmly inside his inner circle.
