Page 14 of Mine to Love
There was this one time when I was pregnant and struggling with morning sickness. He locked me in a closet all day because he was tired of me occupying our only bathroom. I was left to sit in my own vomit and excrement for hours. Then he slapped me for making such a mess. No. It wasn’t my fault. I didn’t deserve it. But, when I think of how long I endured it, I can’t help but hate myself a little. And I don’t know how to let go of that feeling even after I’ve let go of him. That crushing reality, almost as crushing as my time with Clive, pulls a fresh wave of emotion from me.
I grab Gio’s shirt from beside me and bite down on it to stifle the sound of my cries. As I pray that Ana and Delilah can’t hear me, there is a knock at the door. I jump, my eyes flashing open. Quickly, I remove the shirt from my mouth.
“How’s it going in there? Are you ready to see your first batch of options?” Ana asks. Her voice sounds chipper enough, suggesting she’s unaware of my condition. Good. These old buildings, like our cabin in the woods, are built to conceal heartbreaking secrets—all the realities we wish to never speak of. I inhale deeply and take my time exhaling.
“Mhmm,” I mumble, distrusting my voice.
“Sorry, I didn’t quite hear that,” Ana says then.
Another deep breath and I use Gio’s shirt to dry my wet and flushed face. Standing, I continue to steady my breathing and try to remind myself that all of that is behind me. Clive will never hurt me again. He will never chase me, hit me, rape me, pushor kick me again. My wounds are still healing, but the threat has been eliminated.
Oh, if only that were true. Last night proves there are plenty more threats to contend with. And the same fear I’ve lived with for years still lingers. Suddenly, I crave my bedroom at Gio’s. I crave the simple and familiar sense of solitude I enjoyed when Clive was away at workandthe safety of a home without a predator.
Spotting the pink satin robe hanging on the wall next to the door, I grab it and slip it on without giving my body another glance. The bra and panties feel comfortable enough. I’m sure the size is fine. And the quicker we get through this, the quicker I can return to my safe haven. Although, recognizing my growing comfort with Gio does leave me with a bit of warmth, a bit of hope amid my hollowness.
I can’t say that I trust him, at least not completely. But, if I can see the difference between Clive and me and Ana and Damon, then I suppose I can also recognize the difference between Gio and my former husband. And it’s not because of all the things he’s buying for Delilah and me, nor is it his laugh or attempt at making breakfast or even the thoughtful gesture of leaving us clothes. All those things can be fake and fleeting. But the way he looks at me—that’s different. I’m not sure how else to describe it. It’s just different. Perhaps that’s why I truly went with him last night, despite having no viable alternative. Perhaps that’s why I placed my trust, however small, in him. Perhaps that’s why I feel myself growing more comfortable.
It’s then that I take another deep breath and ready myself to open the door. This won’t be easy. It isn’t. There are still battles to fight, especially those within my own mind. But no matter how long it took me, I found a way to leave Clive. And now, no matter how long it takes, I will find a way to live without the memories of him holding me hostage. I owe it to myself andto Delilah. And, maybe, just maybe, with overcoming my inner demons, so too will I overcome my inner critic. I can find a way to love myself in all the ways he never could, in all the ways no one ever has.
13
Ana’s storeis in utter disarray after two hours of try-ons. As I sit in the floral-print upholstered chair nearest the French doors, I have a full view of the space now cluttered with empty hangers, garments in need of organizing, and bags and bags of clothes that somehow fit. From skirts that I thought would be far too short to tops I assumed would be far too tight, she chose so many things for me I lost count. And, while none of it is exactly appropriate for my new job—I can’t exactly clean the house in a mini-skirt—I appreciate it.
My favorite pieces are the dresses. I’ve always been a dress person. They just make me feel more feminine, more…beautiful. Maybe there was a part of me that thought if I dressed nicely, Clive would treat me better. Maybe sometimes it worked. But there was never any cure to his rage. And, if there was, it certainly wasn’t a piece of clothing. Not even the gorgeous dress I wear now would’ve stopped him.
I look down and brush my fingers over the blue-and-white fabric. Since I was wearing a makeshift outfit anyway, Ana has taken it upon herself to give me a makeover of sorts. The dress she chose for the day is baby blue with large white flowers onit. It has a sweetheart neckline that accentuates my chest and a tighter bodice which shows off the waist I didn’t even realize I had. There’s a bow that hides a bit of my stomach and with the help of the fanned-out tea-length skirt, I don’t feel the need to suck anything in or place an unsuspecting hand over my midsection. The slit up the right leg allows for a pleasant breeze and the ruffled shoulder straps are too cute.
My lips tug into a small smile as I relax into the chair even more. While the start to our shopping adventure wasn’t the best, it provided a cathartic moment,andthings have made a turn for the better. Several of the looks Ana put together for me had me looking at myself differently. I almost didn’t recognize myself and I kind of liked it. Perhaps todaywasneeded, even more than Gio expected.
It feels nice to sit here in a beautiful room in a beautiful dress without listening for those oh-so-familiar footsteps. All the while, Delilah has been giggling and talking up a storm to the two dogs, who seem to grow on each other as well. As it all sinks in, I feel more of the tension I’m so used to carrying leave me. And, as Ana returns from behind the cashier’s counter with a small makeup bag and curling iron, I actually let out a laugh instead of the sigh of dread I thought I’d feel by now. I’ve never really had a girl friend, and she’s starting to feel like one.
“Do you normally wear much makeup?” Ana asks, hovering over me as she inspects my face.
“Well, I haven’t in a while. But I used to do a bit of foundation and a little mascara.”
“So, no,” Ana says.
I smile and lower my eyes to the floor. “Yeah, I guess not.” After my dad passed, I got into this phase of wearing super dark eyeshadow, practically black, and tons of mascara—waterproof, of course. It was like a mask to hide my pain. I didn’t wantanyone to see me. Obviously, it didn’t work. But, aside from then, I’ve never really had much use for makeup.
“It’s okay. It’s not like you need it. You have the most piercing blue eyes. They’re like a magnet.” Ana draws my attention from my thoughts. “But, perhaps, we could do a few things to make them standout even more.” She pulls an eyeshadow palette out and a pink lipstick, setting them to the side. “With your fair skin and blonde hair, you’re like a Viking goddess. I think the cool-toned colors will suit you best.”
“Goddess?” I nearly choke hearing the sentiment. “My, that’s the first time I’ve heard anything like that.” She offers me a kind smile and then dots the foundation on my cheeks. I sit still and allow myself to be her doll, much like I’ve done for Delilah a hundred times. “Do whatever you like. I could use a change.”
Ana makes quick use of the few makeup products. And, after adding a few purposeful curls to my hair, she sends me off to take in my reflection. Once again, I find myself in the dressing room. Yet, the woman before me is just making her first appearance. “Oh my God,” I whisper. Shocked, I lift my hands to my cheeks but quickly lower them for fear of messing up Ana’s handiwork. Just as Ana said, she painted my lips a light shade of pink and created some shadows around my eyes with shades of light brown. My lashes are long and fanned out with mascara. My complexion is evened-out with the pale foundation she had on hand. And my cheeks have a certain glow and warmth to them I’ve never seen before. I look…different.
“How do you like it?” Ana asks, startling me as she pops her head into the room. I jump. “Oh, sorry. Wait. Are you crying?” Her brows furrow just as her attentionand mineare drawn to the voices behind her.
“Crying?Darcy’s crying?” Before I can even answer Ana or get rid of the tears I hadn’t even realized were brimming in my eyelids, Gio rips the door to the dressing room open. I gasp andinstinctively back toward the furthest wall of the dressing room to put distance between us. It’s not that I’m scared of him. At least, I don’t think I am. But I don’t like feeling crowded and with him and Ana staring at me, blocking the exit, I can feel my anxiety rising.
“Darcy, are you okay?” Gio asks. His voice is filled with an unfamiliar intensity while his face etches with confusion and concern, at least, it appears so with the way his forehead wrinkles and his eyes narrow.
“Mhmm,” I mumble, nodding. To calm myself, I reach for my freshly curled hair and rake my fingers through the long strands. The motion draws Gio’s attention from my face to, well, everything else. His dark gaze takes me in from head to toe. Though, I can’t exactly tell if he’s as pleased with my transformation as I am. Not that I care. He makes no further comments before backing away and returning to help Damon carry our bags to the Range Rover.
With him gone, Ana steps toward me and offers me her hand. “Come on. We’re just getting started.”
By the timewe approach the last store of the day, I’ve lost track of how many hours have passed and how many thousands of dollars we’ve spent. All I know is we ate lunch a few hours ago and now the sun is sinking. Given the atrocious heat, I’m thankful. As much as I love my new dress, the fitted bodice accompanied by the Southern humidity makes me feel like I’m suffocating. Yet, somehow, my makeup hasn’t budged. And the curls Ana added to my hair have handled the busy day nicely.
Speaking of busy, the Range Rover is now packed full of clothes, shoes, and other essentials. Ana got me set up with myown makeup and hair styling kit. She even turned Delilah and me on to this company with the most amazing smelling bath products. Even Gio got in on it and picked him out a set, which then set him and Damon off on a ten-minute conversation about baths versus showers. I smile to myself as I remember their bickering.
