Page 35 of Mine to Love
Darcy sits up then, and she looks at me with an innocence and a yearning that breaks my heart. “I want to ask you to give me new memories to replace the bad ones, to kiss me, to—” She shakes her head, her eyes drifting off to the side of the bed. “But I’m scared, scared to ruin things, complicate things.”
When her attention returns to me, she’s no longer crying or shaking. Her fragility has been replaced with a stoicism, almost as if she’s found the truth inside herself, reconciled her emotions without me. And, yet, as she speaks, the only thing that is certain is her confliction. “My feelings,desires, don’t even make sense to me. How could they possibly make sense to you? But, most of all, I’m worried it’s all in my head, that you’re just being nice and I’m being delusional in thinking that for a single second you could?—”
“Love you,” I say, cutting her off. Those two words steal Darcy’s voice, leaving her mouth agape and her body frozen atop of me. I’m not sure what she’s thinking or feeling. Did I say too much? Did I say just enough? Regardless, it’s the truth. “Don’t worry, Darcy.” I take her hands in mine. “I know you’re not ready to hear thatI love youor feel it, receive it, reciprocate it. It’s too soon, which is the only reason I haven’t said it, why I haven’t advanced things in all the ways I want to.”
I squeeze her hands as I continue to hold them. I want to make sure she’s still listening and not drifted somewhere dark in her mind. As she looks at our hands and then back at me, I know she’s with me. And it’s then, with both of us full of an unexplainable desire and a need to be loved, that I move my hand to the back of her neck and pull her toward me, not stopping until her lips meet mine.
As Darcy and I share our first kiss, I gather every ounce of self-control left inside me and use it to be gentle. I slowly move my lips against hers while my fingers drift from the back of her neck into her luscious curls. I kiss her as if she is my life source—unrelenting, leaving both of our lips raw. I kiss her so, partly because I’ve craved this moment for so long and partly because I know it’ll be awhile before it happens again.
When I finally break our kiss, emotions war inside me. I’m happy that it finally happened and sad that it’s over. What’s worse is that now the emptiness I feel in the waiting period will be even greater. But as my heart bursts in my chest with an explosion of hope, I know the pain and the patience will be worth it.
With Darcy’s face still just inches from mine, I take hold of her with both hands and command all her attention as I finally confess my feelings to her. “I knew the moment I saw you that there was something special about you, Darcy, a light in you I desperately craved for myself. And, I’ve been worried about ruining things too, of scaring you away, of making you feel uncomfortable being here. But you’re not delusional to think that I care for you, Darcy. As far as I’m concerned,you’re mine. And I’m just waiting for the day that I can be yours. So, when you’re ready to accept my love and all that comes with it, just know I’ll be ready to give it to you. Until then, we can still make new memories—sweet ones—like cooking together, dancing at a wedding, having heartfelt conversations, playing chess, readingromance novels in bed. All those things are more than enough for me while you heal. In fact, the truth is, the time we spend together is just as healing for me as I hope it is for you.”
Darcy’s lips quiver and her eyes fill with fresh tears. Though, I sense these are not tears of sadness. I allow my thumb to move from her cheek to her lip. My touch steadies her just as she grounds me.
“I’m used to being alone. I’m used to the quiet. It’s nice to not have to live in silence and solitude anymore. It’s nice living with you and Delilah.” With that, Darcy smiles and lets out a laugh that also sounds like a cry. It’s as if her walls are finally cracking. Much like flowers maneuver their way through rigid concrete, hope blooms in her eyes.
“This doesn’t make sense,” she says, though her smile doesn’t leave her. I brush a loose curl behind her ear.
“Matters of the heart rarely do.” I glance at her lips once more, wondering if I dare go in for another kiss. Something tells me the next time I taste her, I won’t be able to stop.
She sits up straight, still straddling me. “Well, in the name of healing, I think it’s time I tell you the story of me and Delilah’s dad.”
I sigh, my body stiffening. “Delilah’s dad, how vaguely put.”
“I won’t say his name, Gio. After what happened tonight with those guards, not to mention what occurred the night we met, I know you’ll unleash holy hell on him if you know who to search for. And I’m not sure I can stomach being responsible for that, regardless of what he did to me. Besides, my past is mine. He is a part of my story. I don’t want him to be a part of ours. I don’t want my future tainted by him.”
I nod, resting my hands on her thighs. Darcy may not can stomach what I’d do to him, but can I stomach letting him live? I’m not sure. But if Darcy is finally ready to open up, I won’t pushher or argue with her. I’m sure this is hard enough already. With resolve, I say, “I understand and I’m listening.”
30
2 MONTHS LATER
Delilah screamsand clings to Darcy’s arm as the next house on our trick-or-treat stroll through the Garden District comes into view. Poor thing. This is her first time celebrating the spooky holiday, which has been entertaining to observe. But it’s obvious my little sunshine is here for the candy and fairy princess costumes she and Ru wear, not the giant fake spiders and webs covering the two-story home to our right. She also didn’t appreciate the skeleton display that encompassed the previous house’s entire yard. What can I say? It’s New Orleans. Some say it’s the most haunted city in all of America and the residents really lean into it when decorating. I’ll have to find a more family-friendly neighborhood for next year. But at least the horrors here are fake. The French Quarter this time of year would be a real nightmare.
“It’s okay, sweetie,” Darcy says. “It’s just decorations, you know, like the skeletons and the ghosts and the giant octopus.” Darcy rubs her back and gives me a little smile. Delilah versus the octopus was a real hoot. She’s seenThe Little Mermaid. So, needless to say, she wasn’t fond of it. She kicked one of the tentacles and called it Ursula after she and Ru collected theirking-sized candy bars from the residence. I couldn’t help but laugh.
Delilah shakes her head and buries her face in the ruffled skirt of Darcy’s long, blush pink dress. Sensing her worry, Ru sits down beside Delilah and licks her hand. Their little fairy wings nearly collide. “Spiders aren’t decorations. They’re real and they’re gross and they’re scary.”
I smile to myself as Delilah’s muffled voice reaches me. “Hey, sunshine,” I say, kneeling beside her. Delilah looks at me and I see her eyes are wet with tears. The little sniffly sound she makes has my heart aching. As frustration flattens my lips, I pull her in for a hug.
They really are stupid to decorate with spiders. For one, they’re basic. And two, some people have a genuine fear of them. I feel the need to rip every single one of them down or shoot them down more specifically. Though my gun is hidden beneath the hem of my shirt, I wouldn’t be caught dead out here without one. Knowing that option is extreme, I resort to something more practical.
Scooping Delilah up, I stand with her in my arms. “You know what’s scarier than a spider, sunshine?” She shakes her head. “Me.Now, how about we go up together? You have nothing to worry about in my arms. No one and nothing will touch you. We’ll get our candy and then we’ll go home and watch a movie as a family. How does that sound?”
“Good,” she says as her lips draw up into a smile. She wraps her arms around my neck, hugging me.Oh, sunshine.I pinch my eyes closed and return her embrace.
It’s been just over two months since she and Darcy walked into my life, and it’s been the most amazing two months. When I first saw Darcy, it was like something in me cracked open. She was this light that seeped through the cracks in my cold, dark being, warming me from the inside out. I felt this change inme instantly and others noted it too. But, since then, her and Delilah’s impact on me has only grown. Perhaps it’s because seeing the two of them together reminds me of my mom, of what life was like before everything changed—before the Mafia. Perhaps it’s because, now knowing the story of Darcy’s past, I see her strength even more clearly than before.
Through all the heartache, loss, and grief, Darcy has remained kind, gentle, and loving. I admire her. I wish to be more like her, worthy of her. And so, instead of a single crack, I feel like the walls around my heart and mind have completely shattered. My whole body is full of their warmth, their light, and all the love I want to give them. While things haven’t progressed between Darcy and me romantically, nights like this one make me feel closer to her than ever. We truly are becoming a team, a family. I guess I never realized, until her, how badly I truly wanted one.
“Ru, stay with Mama,” I say, giving Darcy a smile and a wink before leading Delilah toward her last conquest of the night. Tonight is one of those memories we talked about making, one we’ll cherish forever. Though, as I admire her in that dress and the way the feminine fabric cups her breasts, I know the moment I get to cherish her body will be just as special and just as memorable.
“And she isout for the count,” Darcy says, rejoining me downstairs after putting Delilah to bed. Her hair piled in a bun on top of her head, she wears the same cozy looking joggers and burgundy t-shirt she wore during the movie. We tried to find the funniest, cheesiest movie we could to end Delilah’s day with giggles instead of screams. Hopefully, we accomplished ourgoal or else she’ll be up all night with nightmares. “I left Ru in with her like you suggested. She’s so attached to her. I think she believes she’ll watch over her while she sleeps.”
“She will,” I assure her, leaning back against the kitchen countertop. “I just hope she had a good day aside from the few houses that weren’t to her liking. She made a killing in the candy market and looked cute as hell doing it.”
Darcy smiles and laughs. “Yes, she did. We’ll be snacking on Reese’s Peanut Butter cups for the next two months.” She moves to the bucket of candy on the prep table and grabs a piece. “It was a wonderful memory for her to have. Hopefully, it sticks.”Unlike the others.She doesn’t say it, but I know she’s thinking it.
