Page 222 of Cross the Line
That’s why she came here.
She knows.
It’s how she knew I wouldn’t turn her away.
And if she knows, who else knows, too?
CHAPTER 61
JAYDEN
Eli’s up again. He’d only just come back to bed minutes before. We’re talking single digits, where he slipped into bed beside Finley and took a few ragged breaths before he turned over and continued to do his deep breathing exercises a couple times before getting up and going to the bathroom. Where he’s been the last—I check my phone—forty-seven minutes.
Fuck.
I’ve waited for as long as I can. I’m starting to go out of my mind with worry. Thinking the worst. I can’t do this. I’m not this person who sits back while I know the people I love are suffering.
Slinking out of bed, I stuff a pillow under Fin’s leg so she doesn’t miss me before padding to the bathroom. The door is ajar, allowing the hot steam to escape into the dressing area. After knocking a couple times, I edge the door open a tad more.
Through the fog, I make out Eli’s figure huddled on the floor in front of the vanity. Beneath the heavy pattering of the spray, I can make out his equally heavy tears.
My mouth goes dry. Every part of me physically aches to comfort him as I walk inside and pause in the opening to the shower to turn off the water. The last thing I want to do is startle Eli and make whatever he’s feeling worse.
Tear swollen eyes flicker up to mine. The despondency is staggering. Pain twists every line of his body.
There are no words. Nothing I can say.
All I can do is go to him.
The ball in my throat grows bigger when I sink down next to him on the floor and notice his razor next to him. The head is dismantled with the blade sitting next to it. Glaring up at me. Taunting all my fears.
They’re all trivial, because all that matters is my sweetheart.
Picking up all the parts, I put the razor back together and set it back on the floor.
I give him a moment to decide what he needs. I give him the choice to lean on me.
Eli doesn’t hesitate as he rests his head on my shoulder. The contained sobs wrack through his body into mine. Every single wrench of his anguish twists around my muscles, my bones, my chest…
“I’m trying so hard to hold everything together.” The whisper murmurs through the thick silence. “But I don't think I can anymore. It’s all falling apart.”
“It’s okay. We’ll piece it back together,” I promise him, bringing my arm around his back in an easy embrace as the door cracks open a tad more and Finley steps inside.
“Like the razor,” Eli says, picking it up and twirling the stainless steel handle between his fingers, like a flower.
I don’t know what to say because I’m dying inside at the sickening reality that he still thinks about hurting himself. It’ll always be his first thought.
“I didn’t do it,” Eli croaks when Finley plucks the razor from his fingers and puts it on the vanity out of sight. “It was just…”
He shrugs, shaking his head down at himself. I can feel the shame and guilt rolling off him, and I hate it so much that I tighten my arm around his trembling body.
With a tender stroke of her fingers down Eli’s face, Finley crouches in front of him. Her eyes flit to mine with a reassuring squeeze when she adds, “Habit. It was a habit. But you didn’t hurt yourself, so that’s okay.”
How is she holding it together like this?
Inching closer, Fin lowers herself next to him. With her chin resting on his knee, she hugs his bunched legs.
“Sometimes it’s easier to hurt alone, to hurt ourselves, than it is to ask for help or allow someone in to ease the burden. I get it,” she murmurs, eyes on mine while her gentle fingers caress endless circles on his thigh. “And I think… I think that’s okay, too, Eli.”
