Page 53 of Cross the Line
“Illegitimi non carborundum.” He frowns the way I did when Connie first said it. “Don’t let the bastards grind you down, JJ.”
“Where the fuck did you get the Latin from?” He chuffs, a hangdog expression forming on his face.
“Connie… Dr. Armstrong.”
“Does she know?” He asks.
I shake my head. “It’s weird, I feel like I’ve told her so much without really telling her anything. She’s intuitive, I guess.”
“My momma and The Sire are like that. Sometimes, the less I tell them, the more they know. It’s crazy.” A small smile finally colors his face.
“If you need to talk to them about this, you should,” I say, brushing the thick, rebellious tendrils from his face, twirling the ends around my fingertips as I arrange them back into place.
“That’s… I can’t tell them what happened to you to make myself feel better.”
“I don’t want you to feel better, I want you to move forward.” I lean in until his shallow breaths warm my skin. “Don’t get stuck like I did because of everything that has ever happened to me, that will be what kills me. I cannot be the reason you lose your joy, Jayden.”
With a nod, he shifts on the bed to a sitting position as I stand and sink onto the mattress beside him. We sit in silence with our sides pressed together, hands on our thighs, pinkies knotted.
“You asked me what I need before. What I want…” His little finger tightens. “Don’t let them get away with it.”
If only it were that black and white.I’d give him what he wants in a heartbeat, without a single fuck for anyone else’s opinion—his and Finley’s are the only ones that matter.
“Say I go to the authorities and press charges,” I say, laying my head on his shoulder. “What happens when they ask me for proof? What happens if they question Presley and he tells them I’m lying?”
“Eli…”
“It’s my word against his, possibly Ryker’s. And if it leaks, then we’re all thrown into hell. Not just me. You. Finley. Everyone we love. They’ll be tainted by something that can’t be made right, no matter what we do.”
“Fuck,” he spits, gripping my hand and pinning it to his thigh. “I’m going to have to see that son of a bitch, play against him… How do you do it? How do you cope every time he touches you?”
I don’t have the words, so I show him. I guide his other hand to my ribs and hold it there until he understands.
He goes rigid. “Don’t you think you’ve been hurt enough?” He growls, clawing his fingers into my side.
“Sometimes the physical pain numbs the shit that’s deeper. It’s just skin and blood.”
“Yourskin andyourblood, Eli.” He scowls. “Don’t do it again.”
I wish it were that simple. Even with the best intentions, it isn’t. When desperation sets in, the urge is tunnel vision.
“I can’t promise that,” I say, staring at our entwined hands while I keep his other palm against my ribs.
“Why?”
“Because… It helps me cope. It helps me purge the pain and the shame and… It’s what I know, JJ.”
“Fuck…” he mutters with that same angry, maddened tone in which he told me he wants to kill for me.
“It’s fucked up, I know.” I meet his hardened stare. “I can’t promise I won’t do it again, but I am trying to be better. To do better. I’m trying to find different ways of coping. Like talking to Connie and?—”
“Talk tome. Useme. I’m right here, Eli. I am always. Right. Here.” His hand travels from my side to my jaw. “And I will always doeverything, give youanythingyou need. Just come to me, Sweetheart.”
My sweet, beautiful Sunshine.He breaks my heart in the best way. With his kindness and his selfless affection.
I can’t promise him that I won’t fall back into the desperation to numb the pain and hurt, but I can promise that I’ll look for him first. I’ll go to him. I’ll give him every chance he asks for.
Because a glimpse of his smile is enough to set my world on fire. And I would rather burn for him than bleed for the devil who brought me here.
