Page 187 of Break the Ice
The razor glints at me from the stand. Before I’ve even reached for it, I’ve decided where I’ll bleed this time.
My grandmother taught me penance well. She versed me in it like it is a religion of its own.
Jayden’s waitingfor me when I make it downstairs to the garage. The serious set to his usually smiley face lurches my stomach. We agreed that last night wouldn’t change anything between us out here, but what if it has?
Pausing to fish my keys from the pockets of my shorts, I take a moment to catch my breath before I approach him.
“You left.”
“So did you,” he says without looking at me.
It feels wrong not having his eyes on me. More than that, it’s instantly got my worries unravelling.
“Everything okay?”
His stare meets mine with a moroseness that hits me square in the chest. “Did you see the message about Dylan’s baby momma?”
“I saw him yesterday after my meeting with Coach. He was distraught.”
“Paige is his best friend,” he pauses, letting out a long sigh before he adds, “They have a kid together and she’s followed him across the country so Lily could have him in her life. I mean, you don’t do that unless you love someone, right?”
“I guess so,” I reply, rounding the front of my car to get in. Jayden jumps in as I start the engine.
But there’s a heaviness in my chest after this morning that won’t allow me to carry on. I feel like a bastard for letting the voices win again.For reducing how I feel about him and Finley to something dirty and wrong when it’s the very opposite.
They’re my saving grace.
The way they selflessly care for me—about me—is the best part of my life. They’re what I love about being me. And like yesterday, when Dylan’s devastation overwhelmed me, I’m overcome by the necessity to physically hold them. To keep them mine. With me.
In spite of the voice in my head or the constant burning of the cuts on my body. I need them. More than the blood pulsing in my veins or the air scorching in my lungs.
“Eli,” he says finally, fiddling with the radio before muting it altogether. “About last night…”
My grip on the steering wheel tightens.
“We said it wouldn’t change anything,” he goes on. “And it doesn’t have to. I just—” He breaks off, drags a hand through his hair. “It was kind of intense.”
“That’s one word for it,” I murmur.
He huffs a laugh, then glances at me sidelong. “Do you want to do it again?”
The question lands low in my stomach, heavy and hot.
“Yes,” I say before the nerves can shove the truth back down.
Something eases across his shoulders. “Me too. I’ve never done anything like this, but I like it, and I think Fin likes it too.”
I picture her curled into his side last night, sleepy and soft and safe. “Yeah, I think she does.”
“She was exhausted,” he adds quietly, like it’s a secret just for us. “I had to tiptoe out this morning, so I didn’t wake her.”
My throat works around a laugh that comes out rough. “Why did you leave?”
“Because I had to get ready,” he chuckles, shaking his head down at his lap. “It wasn’t easy, though. Leaving her. She’s fucking adorable and I could’ve just stayed there with her all day. Just listening to her breathe…”
Listening to him talk about Finley brings back the contentment I woke up with. Returning its warmth as I drive us to training.
By the time we reach the facility, I’m smiling from ear to ear while listening to Jayden sing along to the radio while he drums the beat of the music into his thighs.
