Page 190 of Break the Ice
Meanwhile, Elijah hums something low against my shoulder, a familiar melody that rumbles through his chest into mine.
Our song. From our secret prom. The night he made me all his. My heart and my body.
His hand strokes circles over my hip, my ribs, my arm. A grounding touch that soothes over all the scars the past has left behind. The scars we share. The guilt and fear, the shame the scriptures cut deep into our bones.
It takes a long time before I can speak.
When I finally do, my voice scrapes out like it’s fighting its way past all the old words still carved into my head.
“I love you, Elijah,” is all I can say before his mouth ghosts over mine. Sucking every word from the bottom of my heart. “I’ve always loved you more than everything. You’re the only home I’ve ever had.”
“I know,” he whispers before his lips roll over mine with deliberate slowness. Savoring.
Seconds tick by where that’s all we do—hold our lips pressed together. Breathe in each other’s air like it’s the only way of surviving.
Then his hand molds to my face, his palm strokes up my jaw so that his fingers curl around the base of my skull. They tangle in the short, stubborn curls I can never brush into my ponytail as his tongue licks over my lips.
I can’t get enough of him or the way his heart is hammering into myback. His tongue dances with mine, delving deeper with every twist and growing greedier with every groan.
“I need you.” Opening my eyes, I lightly grip his chin between my finger and thumb, holding him right where he is. The same way he held me minutes ago, to stop me from running from my fear. Ghosting my lips over his, I whisper, “There will never be a me without you, Elijah.”
His hand twists in the fabric of my hoodie before he breathes, “There’s no me without you either.”
“I need you,” I repeat. “But I need Jayden, too. I don’t even know what that means yet. Just that… when I see you with him, it doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t make me jealous.” My voice shakes, but I keep going. “I think about the Fellowship and all the rules they shoved down our throats. About how they said desire was sin, about how love had to come through them or not at all. And I know now more than ever… they were wrong. Elijah, they were so wrong.”
His breath hitches with the clench of his jaw.
“God is love,” I whisper, staring at the horizon. “So how can any kind of love be wrong?”
Elijah’s hand tightens on mine. When he finally speaks, his voice is thick, like the words cut coming out. “It’s not wrong, Fin.”
“Do you really believe that? Even for you?”
Elijah’s stare falls to the sand, as wet and wild as the ocean. I’ve never loved him more. Never wanted him so desperately.
I swallow hard, taking his face in my hand. “I see the way you look at Jayden,” I whisper, the wind stealing the words as soon as they’re out. “And I see the way Jayden looks at you. And I want you to know… there’s nothing wrong with it. With you. With any of this.”
“Fin…” His voice shakes, like he’s standing on the edge of something he’s never let himself feel.
“No. Don’t say things you don’t mean.” Stroking my thumb along his cheek, I press a kiss to the tip of his nose. “You’re safe with me. There’s no more judgement. No more punishment…”
For a long time, there’s only the wind. The waves. My heartbeat hammering against my ribs when he buries his face in my neck.
Silent tears soaking into my skin as I remind him, “We make the rules now. We decide who we love. How we love. What makes us happy…”
“It’s hard to believe that sometimes,” he croaks into my hair.
“Then let me believe it for you,” I tell him fiercely. “Let me believe in you until you can.”
He swallows hard, eyes shining as they drop to my mouth and then lower, like he’s afraid of what I’ll see in them.
“I see you,” I whisper. “All of you. And I want you to have everything, Elijah. Even the pieces of yourself you’re still figuring out.”
Turning in his hold, I wrap myself around him. Sheltering him the way he has always sheltered me. Even when we were apart, it was him I held on to. He was my rock when everything crumbled around me. Our memories were my hope when my world was dark.
Touching my forehead to his, I wait for him to give me his eyes before I tell him, “I love you, Elijah. We are each other’s hearts. But maybe Jayden… maybe he’s our soul.”
His eyes close, lashes trembling against his cheeks. When he nods, tears sluice down his face.
