Page 64 of Break the Ice
That’s not okay when I’m here for Elijah. When he’s the only man I’ve ever wanted or had eyes for.
Ilovehim.
“Metanoia,” Jayden reads aloud, bringing my focus back to him as he reads the pretty words I’ve written along with their meanings. “Noun. The journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life.”
“Seemed fitting for a new beginning. New journal. New life.”
“New friends,” he says, glimpsing up at me from the dotted pages with a grin.
“Yeah,” I swallow down the choking sensation that burns in my chest, “friends…friends.”
The echo of my words wrenches with a guttural pull that feels all kinds of wrong and sad. It doesn’t make sense which only adds to my confusion.
Jayden’s finger traces the scatter of stars to the edge of the pagebefore he turns it. He pauses, taking in the wisteria border framing the spread pages. His thumb smooths over the water-warped paper from the watercolors I used.
“Yonderly,” he reads with a knowing snicker that morphs into a sigh. “Adjective.”
“Mentally and, or emotionally distant.”
“Gloomy or morose.” His stare flickers to mine. “It’s a good description of him. In locker room terms it would be asshole.”
I chuckle at his playful remark. “It makes him sound mean.”
“Are you sure you’re from a hockey family?”
“Umm, not how it works in Havenview. My parents support my brother because of what his profile does for The Fellowship. It makes them look good in the eyes of the congregation. Like they’re blessed and favored by The Lord. But I’m just… me.” I shrug, suddenly feeling aware of the information I’m giving him.
“What does it mean to beyou?”
When I shrug again, he pats the space beside him, beckoning me to his side. I shouldn’t move. I should keep our physical distance, except that Jayden makes me feel safe and comforted. Not so alone.
Although I keep some space between us, the closeness feels warmer than it should. Like his body is calling to mine. His heat pulling at the unspoken loneliness in my bones.
“You’re quiet and nerdy, which even though it sounds silly, is a surprising combination for someone that’s beautiful.”
My attention flashes directly to his. Blue to hazel. Cool to warm. So warm that my temperature creeps up with my pulse.
Before he continues, Jayden takes a drink from his soda, and like I’ve lost all sense of propriety, I gawk at him. There’s no other way to put it, and I’m eternally grateful that he doesn’t comment on it because at this point, I’m a lost cause.
With every gulp, I follow the downward pull of his Adam’s apple as his throat constricts. When he tips his head back to finish it off, I glimpse up at his profile. It’s perfect. From the slight upturn of his nose to the chiseled set of his cheekbones.
As soon as he turns his focus on me again, I look away. Too embarrassed by my brazen curiosity.
It’s only when I chance a glance back that he breaks the silence. “I think you’re aware of your looks, but you’re afraid to acknowledge it because maybe it’s not the done thing inShitvilleand…oryou believe it makes yousome kindof person. But it’s simply fact. Science. DNA…”
Jayden falls silent as I stare at my journal splayed on his thick thigh. Stretched out alongside his, my legs appear slimmer and shorter, even though they’re a good part of my five-foot-nine height.
“We can’t help it, Lucky.” I don’t need to look at him to know he’s grinning; I can hear it in his voice as he turns the page. “Atelophobia, tristful… Ooh, I like that.”
“Sounds sexier than it is.” Jayden peers at me and I flush, my heart beats harder, thrumming into my lungs at my choice of wording. I can’t even blame Christina because it rolled off my tongue like melted butter. “It’s… umm… it’s the name for that feeling when…”
God, I should stop talking before I sound like a love-crazed and deprived loser.
“The feeling when…?”
Drawing in a deep breath, I reply, “Romantic melancholy. Like being in love but it’s not enough or you’re not enough.”
“Atelophobia,” he murmurs, tracing his finger over the weeping willow on the edge of the page while he reads the description. “Fear of not being good enough.”
