Page 79 of Break the Ice
Except the instant I start washing myself, that my hands start sudsing my body, it ignites the crackle in my pores again.
I’m incapable of drowning out the thoughts that filter through my mind as I scrub my body roughly.
He loves you.
He wants you like I want you.
So bad.
Oh God… Elijah…. Jayden…
Why did I do this?
I’m desperately trying to get it over and done with because I can’t think of him. Not here. Not now. Not ever.
I know that. But my brain refuses to fall into line when my hands sweep down my stomach. My brain tells me he’s safe. It whispers sweet little nothings, coercing my body with the weeds they twine around my lungs… my heart. Making?it impossible to breathe past the bone deep need twisting in my muscles as my hands slow, spreading the earthy scented suds over my skin. Chasing the heat in my bloodstream to my groin.
I pause.
I know it’s wrong. I know it’s dirty. It makes me sinful and wicked and… still, the urge is too visceral to resist.
His scent seeps too deep. Spreading through me like a wildfire. An all-consuming blaze that I cannot control. Because its wrongness is the best thing I’ve felt.
So wrong and so right and so good. When my hand grips my length, I can’t stop. I squeeze tighter, stroking myself slowly at first. The tension in my body returns. Coiling around all my limbs with the urgency of my desire.
As the ache spreads, and I gasp for air, I can feel his touch—his grip on my wrist, his hand slipping and sliding with mine—the same way I can feel Finley’s nails dig into my waist, her chest pushing into mine.
I want more. I want to feel more. I want to hide away in their safety.
When I close my eyes, steadying my trembling hand, I don’t know whose eyes I see. Finley’s or Jayden’s. They mesh into one. Green, blue,and brown all swirling together, burning through me. Seeing and knowing.
It’s good. It’s so good that everything comes alive. Every part of me hurts and quakes and yearns. Unlike anything I’ve ever felt. His grip. Her touch. His hazel eyes. Her blue stare.
He’s in love with you.Her voice rasps in my ear, sending a frisson of fire down my spine.It’s natural… chemistry.
She’s begging for you to touch her. He coos, the whisper of his voice shooting through my chest, shocking my heart into overdrive.
My hand quickens on my throbbing erection. The ache of my release building fast and relentlessly. Unforgiving in its force. It overtakes every thought. Every voice. Every truth I’ve ever known.
“Fuck,” my groan fills the air with the sound of the water crashing on my back and my hand slicking over my skin.
Her eyes and his scent. His grip and her caress.
Bracing myself on the tiled wall, I bite my loud moan into my arm as my release bursts from me.
Every cry seeps into my flesh.? Heated. Wild. Chasing my breathless growls and the suffocating pounding of my heart.
For a moment, I’m free.
For a moment, I’m perfect.
I’m whole.
Until the heat dissipates. The fog of my lust clears. My safety is gone.
Fear slams into me. Shame knots in my stomach.
I can’t stop the retches. Or the need to purge myself of my sin as I thrust my fingers into my mouth and force it all out. Desperately. Scraping my tongue and scratching at my throat. Retch after dry retch. Because there’s nothing inside me but my sin.
