Page 81 of Break the Ice
I hate this side of him. The quiet brusqueness that makes me question who we are. I hate the fucking hat hiding his stare so I can’t read past the outwardly distance he’s putting between us.
“I don’t… I don’t know.” His face cants to the side, giving me what I desperately need to ground my flighty heartbeat—his eyes. So black I can’t make out his pupils from his irises.
His sulky pout rolls together when I shuffle closer. This distance is unbearable. It’s fucking killing me. And I need to fix it.
“Are we okay?” I ask, failing to keep my voice level.
Eli nods, gripping the bill of his cap with both hands and wringing it so tight that it leaves a mark on his forehead when it pulls off.
“Yeah, we’re good,” he answers.
I don’t buy it, though. “Why are you avoiding me, then?”
One of the things I love about him is that he doesn’t lie, and I appreciate it when he shrugs instead of denying it.
“What did I do, Eli?” I can’t fix what I don’t know. Except I do. I know I’ve become too close to Finley. Too friendly. Too caught up. “Are you mad at me? Is that why you’ve stood me up for our workouts?”
Because we were fine when we went to dinner. We were fine when we returned home. And we were definitely more than fine when I left him and Finley that night.
So… “What is going on?”
“I can’t sleep, JJ. I lie awake at night, and—” he stops abruptly, shaking his head. “I need to go.”
“No.” I step to the side, stopping him from running away like he always does. “No, you need to talk to me. Just fucking talk to me.Please. I’m going out of my mind thinking that I’ve fucked up somehow.”
Even though I try to cover up the slip of my tongue and feelings, my hand grips his forearm, conveying everything I can’t tell him.
Eli’s stare falls to where I’m holding him. My skin on his skin. His muscles tense beneath my palm, bulging in my grip.
“Jayden,” he murmurs my name like a secret he’s trying to keep. “JJ…”
“You’re my best friend, Eli,” I whisper back. A reminder to myself. “You can tell me anything. Talk to me about anything…”
“There’s so much going on, and I can’t switch off. I can’t sleep, and then I come in here and there’s no escape from it. There’s no fucking escape anymore.”
My thumb caresses lightly over the soft skin on the inside of his forearm. This is the most contact we’ve ever had. It feels more intimate than any other time we’ve been this close. Although, there’s a voice in my head that’s telling me not to push it. Not to take it too far so that Eli doesn’t pull away, I can’t help shuffling just a little bit closer.
We’re toe-to-toe, and I’m waiting for him to snatch his arm back and flee. He doesn’t, though.
“I was meant to protect her. Because that’s what you do, isn’t it? You protect the people you love.”
I’m not sure if he’s speaking in general ormeterms. Either way, his eyes are wide, imploring. “Sometimes you can’t.”
Eli nods. “Because if I couldn’t protect myself, how could I protect her? Right?”
“Eli…”
He turns away from me, leaning back into the trunk of his G-Wagon. I have no choice but to let him go. The faraway look on his face says he needs space.
His hat is scrunched in his white-knuckled fist when he muses, “Maybe it is all my fault. I did all of this. I asked for it.”
“Asked for what?”
My mind goes back to the hotel in Portland. The marks on Finley’s wrists and ankles, and the skittish energy that reminded me of the first time I met Eli as my partner. Everything he’s told me about their hometown, and their church weighs heavy in my thoughts.
A rock settles in my chest at the same time as his blank stare settles on mine. “I broke the rules. It’s what they’re saying. I took her virtue, Jayden. I stole from the Lord. So maybe it was my punishment. And now… now I’ve taken her again and?—”
“You’re protecting Finley, because yeah, that’s what you do when you love someone. You break the rules. Do what you must to save them.”
