Page 25 of Let Us Prey
My eyes take in the majesty of the instrument like a child in a toy store. The Spineway D-274 concert grand is one of the most expensive models they could purchase, and it glistens like a crown jewel in the bright stage lighting. I’ve never played something so rich and luxurious looking, and I’m a little intimidated, to be honest. I slowly walk around the curve of the piano, trailing my fingertips over the lacquer case as I go.
Am I worthy of something so valuable?
I don’t know, but nothing good comes from being scared. I learned that lesson the hard way last spring. If I’d made a stand with Lucille, the Heathers, or even Todd sooner, maybe my emergence wouldn’t have been the catastrophe it was. Maybe I would have found someone who actually gave a shit about me before my animal appeared, rather than a bunch of assholes who used the event to destroy me.
Maybe I’m not that girl anymore…
Deciding not to let a beautiful hunk of sugar pine, maple, spruce, and Swedish steel scare me, I plop down on the bench and use my phone to pull up my sheet music. I’d rather have my notebook since this screen is small and I won’t be able to make notations, but I didn’t bring my messenger bag to the Leo this morning. That’s probably good, because I bet those bitches who stole my clothes would have done worse with my personal items.
I lift the cover off the keyboard, gliding my fingers over the enameled spruce lovingly as I do. One day, I’ll own something as beautiful as this, even if I suck rocks at songwriting. When I’m in a proper home, no one will care if I stink or if I’m a T. Swift in the making. That’s how real love works, right?
Geez, Dolly. Get a grip.
Me and my infinite sadness are not going to attract any of the sexy professors I’m lusting after. No one likes a bitter bunny, I tell myself as I stretch my fingers. A few more internal admonishments and warm-up exercises later, and I have the feel of the strikes and the balance rail—ready to play more complex pieces now that I’ve got the mechanics of this baby down.
The intro to my latest piece is a lilting sonata, and I close my eyes, my body swaying while I follow the rhythm of the prelude. When I reach the first verse, I sing softly along with the rich sounds of the piano echoing off the acoustics.
Torrents and waves, crash every day
carrying me out to sea
Don’t know the way
Don’t know what to say
For you to be kind to me
I sigh as I play through the pre-chorus, sadness enveloping my heart again. I hate them all, but can’t help wondering why it was so easy to cast me aside. Am I so worthless that even the people who are supposed to love me—like my own parents—can’t? Isthatwhy I was cursed to be prey?
My heart is my guide, I wear it outside
but I hide what you do to me
The words you say
The thoughts they convey
Pain makes it hard to breathe
If that’s true, if I’m truly such a burden to bear, then why did Luc help me by giving me a job and financial freedom? Why did Mattie always try to protect me? Why was I able to make friends this summer and why has Bash followed me around like a dog since I arrived at Apex? Some obviously think I’m worthy of their attention, so why couldn’t my former friends and family?
Apologies sweet, the cycle complete
I’m drowning in misery
You bruise and you scrape
There is no escape
I don’t know why you can’t see
I don’t understand what I did to deserve the chaos my life has become, but I know I can’t wallow in my own tears forever. I have to stand up for myself, and that starts with making the people who hurt me pay for their misdeeds. It doesn’t matter why they treated me poorly or what reasons they thought they had—there’s always a choice, and they chose wrong. Even if it destroys me, I’m going to make every single person who has broken my heart into pieces pay for their crimes.
I’m floating away… floating above the fray…
The only way I can grieve…
The ache in my lyrics echoes that of my soul as I finally release my desire to change the past. As always, my music helps me process my overwhelming emotions, and I breathe a little easier as the melancholy notes of the outro ring through the empty theater. I think I might have this song almost finished—it needs only a little more work before I can add the chorus.
