Page 29 of A Song of Saints and Swans
“Now.” She abruptly changed the subject with a loud thwack of the peddle controlling her loom. “Taneer adamantly whispered in my ear that you seem to have collected your own fated mates—andgods,at that.” She smirked. “Welcome to the family.”
More like, welcome to the circus.
I barked a laugh. “Yeah, it’s a little surreal, to be honest. While I’m not terribly shocked that Jarilo and I ended up in bed together—what with all our hate-flirting—I’m learning there’s more to him than meets the eye. And Marena…” I felt my cheeks heat, but soldiered on. “I’m both surprised by the attraction and not. We’ve become so close these past several months, I don’t know what I would have done without her, after… everything that happened to me.”
Vasi’s normally impassive expression softened. “It may sound cliché, but the heart wants what it wants. Tan and Asa were madly, monogamously in love before we met, even though Tan had been with women previously, and Asa had never so much as looked at a woman before me. Yet, here we all are.” She chuckled. “But—as Tan would be quick to point out—I’m the only one sleeping with the grumpy Russian.”
And you can keep him.
“I’m glad you have Rena in your life, ‘Thia,” she continued. “Especially as I haven’t exactly been there for you lately. Not to make excuses, but I could easily blame my absence on how my time isn’t my own anymore”—she rolled eyes toward the cacophony of male voices on the other side of the door—“what with being surrounded by demanding men and all.”
“And an even more demanding legacy,” I added, although I couldn’t keep the bitterness from the tone. “This distillery investigation must be pretty important if the liberation efforts are calling in the big guns…”
Which clearly doesn’t include me.
Vasi sighed, seeing right through my attitude, as usual. “I was asked if I wanted any trained warriors backing us up, and you were the only one I considered inviting along. However, I firmly believe you have a moreimportantmission to focus on at the moment.”
When I opened my mouth to protest, she quickly shut me down. “You cannot help others until you heal yourself, Anthia. And pretending the humans you kill or capture are the same ones who hurt you is only a temporary balm.”
Godsdamnit.
She was right—of course she was. I swallowed hard, feeling traitorous tears prick the corners of my eyes as I realized I didn’t want to keep relying on quick fixes and physical distractions.
I want to heal.
“Does the rage ever go away?” I whispered, desperate for an answer I knew she couldn’t give—despite having experienced the same.
My friend smiled sadly. “Not completely, but time transforms it into more of a dull ache than a sharp pain. If I’d faced Koschei after he first assaulted me, I would have been terrified. But 400 years later, I was no longer a helpless human, and I had my Riders at my back. Their love always strengthens me. Not in the sense that I’m weak without them, but theyremindme I’m strong. Perhaps that makes little sense.”
“It does!” I hurriedly insisted, appreciating Vasi’s rare show of openness. It wasn’t as if we never chatted like this, but it usually took more coaxing to get her talking.
And right now, I’m the one finding it difficult to talk.
I plucked at the yarn in my hands, puzzling over how to articulate what was on my mind. Sleeping with Kaz while training had been my form of rebellion—a way to prove the bastards at the Facility hadn’t ruined sex for me, on top of everything else. But the wolf was a low-pressure snack. With us both being aware there was no possibility of a future together, I could simply use him to numb the pain.
But there’s so much more at stake this time.
“It’s strange how easily I’ve let down my guard with Marena and Jarilo,” I finally spoke, deciding vulnerability was best. “Despite being as awesomely powerful as they are, they make me feel safeandbrave—like they would never hurt me, except...”
My gaze met Vasi’s again as an incredulous smile stretched across my face. “Can you believe I’m considering asking Jarilo to wrap me up in his vines again? Even after how much it triggered me the first time?”
Vasi nodded sagely. “I can believe it. There’s no correct way to heal from trauma, and anyone who has the audacity to say your path iswrongshould mind their own.”
And this is why she’s the baddest witch there was.
I’d never broached this subject with Vasi before, mostly because I’d been worried about reopening my wounds by discussing her similar ones, and vice versa. But now I realized that there was no prize for carrying a burden alone—especially when others will gladly share the load.
“Thank you.” I released a shaky breath. “I appreciate you sharing your experiences with me—as painful as they are. It makes me feel less alone.”
“Of course, ‘Thia,” she gently replied. “It’s the least I can do. You were the first to offer me kindness after I became Baba Yaga—possibly in my entire life after my mother died. You gave me your loyal friendship when I no longer felt worthy of such things. If there was any way for me to erase your pain completely, I would, but I have a feeling you’re already well on your way to true healing. The path is before you, and you have excellent companions at your back…”
A soft knock sounded at the door, and Vasi smiled knowingly before walking to answer it. She paused with her hand on the knob before glancing at me over her shoulder. “Oh! I just remembered another detail about our friend, the Sea Tsar. When his daughters shapeshifted, it was to take the form of swans.”
Let Down Your Guard
ANTHIA
Vasi opened the door to reveal an apologetic-looking goddess waiting on the other side.
