Page 90 of Valhalla is Full of Hunks
I’ve got nothing else to lose!
I glanced at Leia. “If I fuck this up and the world ends… I want you to knowI’mthe one who ate the last Magnolia red velvet cupcake on your birthday last year. I just blamed it on the guys because they were all so drunk, they couldn’t argue.”
She nodded sagely. “I know, bish. You’re the only ho who loves them as much as me. But you’re still my ride-or-die.”
I smiled and turned to face Hazun again, before taking his outstretched hand. “All right, dude. What do I need to do?”
He grinned, revealing teeth that looked a lot sharper than I remembered. “You can start by breathing underwater.”
Wait…
“UNDERWATER?!”I yelped as the salty psychopath scooped me into his arms and raced headlong into the sea. “Wait! I can’t breathmphhh—”
My words were lost as he abruptly dove beneath the waves, whether or not I was ready. I clamped my mouth shut, wishing I’d had the chance to suck in some extra air, and wondering how long it would take this jackass to realize I wasn’t aquatic.
As he dove deep, I frantically gestured toward the surface, but the not-merman simply laughed and kicked his swimming speed into fifth gear. The water was rushing past my face so fast that I was getting exfoliated, which I wouldn’t have minded had I been in a relaxing spa setting and not in the middle of the open ocean.
This vacation really didn’t go as planned.
My body finally gave up, and I instinctively inhaled, but instead of a lungful of saltwater, I found I could breathe just fine.
“What the fuck?” was all I could think to say, which felt appropriate.
It was then I noticed we were surrounded by a magical air bubble that reminded me of some 1980s My Little Pony television special Leia made me watch once.
With a hot demon centaur as the bad guy…
Hey! Maybe Hazun is a Sea Pony.
“Simply signal SOS!”
Shaking the related doo-wop ditty from my mind, I realized to my horror that we were headed straight for the end of Jör’s massive tail.
“What the fuck are we doing?” I elaborated on my previous statement. “It’s not like we can yank on the World Serpent’s tail and scold him until he stops.”
“That’s not the plan,” Hazun calmly replied—way too calmly, given the dire circumstances. “But Jörmungandr’s aim is to encircle the earth and bite his own tail. Once he releases it, the motion will cause destructive waves to crash over the land, wiping out all living things. We can’t allow that to happen.”
No shit.
“Again.Howam I supposed to stop this?” I not-so-patiently asked, my anxiety rocketing past level eleven the closer we got to the wildly thrashing appendage.
Hazun grinned again—which I now recognized as a Very Bad Sign—before reaching out a hand and boldly grabbing onto an oversized iridescent green scale. Then he grabbedmyhand and placed it next to his, as if hitching a ride like this was nothing but a Sunday drive.
“I’m not... What… Fuck?!” I stuttered, squealing in terror as Hazun let me go.
Now theonlything I had to hold on to in this great, wide ocean was Jör, the murderous danger noodle.
Imma die.
“Don’t let go, little seer,” Hazun chuckled in my ear. “When our serpent goes to bite his tail, he’ll seeyou—hismate.Surely you’ll then be able to convince him to abandon this foolish plan.”
WAIT.
“THAT’STHE PLAN?!” I screeched, but Crazy Sea Legs had already disappeared into the depths, leaving me to complete my powerwash facial with a not-so-happy ending alone.
We’re all gonna die.
The only silver lining was that Hazun had left me the air bubble, but my relief was short-lived. I tensed as the surrounding ocean abruptly settled—like the receding that occurred before a tsunami—and I found myself being lifted out of the water, along with Jör’s tail.
