Page 113 of The Court of Secrets
“Nissa, you will send word to Mai to rejoin us and have a letter written to Blaise explaining what’s happened.”
“Is there anything else we can do?” They both leaned in, pressing their hands on my desk. “We want to help.”
I tried to hold my threads of thought together as I looked at each of them. My gaze flitted to the globe, then at the empty armchairs and fireplace, remembering an easier time. “Word is already spreading through court about the spirit realm. How many know?”
Florence answered, her violet eyes brighter when she looked at me. “The entire court has heard the rumors, but most don’t know what to believe.”
“About the ancestors?” I asked.
“No. About whether or not you’re saying what they believe to be sacrilege. None believe the truth about the spirit realm.”
Nissa interjected. “It’s difficult to persuade people to believe something when the lie is so much more comfortable.”
I nodded, pacing my way to the window to look out over my kingdom. “It is a comfort to them, but many of the poor do not own staffs. Ancestral magic has benefitted only those who could afford it. I saw it firsthand when I went into the city and towns. The homeless did not have staffs. When I went to a tavern once, none of the working men had staffs, come to think of it.” I didn’t elaborate on when, as one of the times was when I had fled after killing my father. “I understand why now. The high priest was rationing magic, by keeping it out of the hands of half the lunas by pricing the staffs at a cost they could not afford. That’s why staffs are burned when the owner dies. It’s so they couldn’t be passed on.” I scoffed. The roots of his treachery were deep. As I said it all out loud, the more sense it made.
Nissa cleared her throat. “If I may, I would advise, for now anyway, that you say the lords were lying and Penelope made it up. The people aren’t ready to hear the truth yet. We must gather evidence of it first.”
Florence tsked in her direction. “Meanwhile, André and others we lost suffer? Winter’s doing the right thing by bringing it to light. It needs to be destroyed. Magaelor survived without ancestral magic once. They used the element of spirit. I know my history. It just wasn’t as strong because it didn’t have souls fueling it.”
“You’re both right in different ways, but I’ve made my decision. I’m going to tell the court the truth and offer them to go into the forest to find out for themselves.”
“The lords’ men are guarding the forest,” Nissa replied.
“Which is why I need you to get word to the city and people in the surrounding towns and villages. They need to know everything, because I may need to call on them.”
“Call on workers?” Nissa raised her eyebrows.
“If the guards turn on me, then yes. I have to look at this from every angle.” I sighed. How had everything gone so bad so fast? I had overlooked so much. “Florence, you know Lord Edur well, yes?”
She nodded. “What do you want from him?”
She knew me well. “We need his backup. I need you to tell him the truth and what you saw. He might believe it if it comes from you.”
“I’ll go to him now.”
“Tell Adius to get his men together once he’s done arresting Gregoir,” I said before she left. “I’m going to hold a speech in the courtyard in two hours where I will be divulging everything, so if you can both go and do what I asked.” I paused. “Have Adius release my mother too, but quietly. She can’t be seen in public until they’ve been told the truth, else they’ll believe I released a heretic and believe Louis before I get a chance to explain.”
“We will go now.” Nissa shot me a watery smile. “We will fight for you.”
Worry pinched a pain through my head, tearing my eyes. “I know.”
Florence gave me a sympathetic look before walking out with Nissa, leaving me alone with nothing but my faded reflection in the window.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
I struggled to end the building panic attack that had me hyperventilating as the nobles and households of the Court were gathered into the courtyard. I paced my office, stopping to calm myself every few minutes, but anxiety forced me to keep moving. Standing still was worse. I could feel every sensation. My skin crawled, and waves of numbness swept from my head to my toes, convincing me I was going to pass out. Every part of me screamed I was dying, but I knew better. I’d survived each time, and logic begged for me to listen, but each time an attack came up, itfeltdifferent.
Scenarios flashed in my mind of my head bouncing from the side of an axe, with crimson liquid spraying a jeering crowd. I prayed it wasn’t foresight and merely my own anxiety forming the visions. It was hard to tell the difference. The slight chance that it could be truth turned my panic attack into something far more monstrous. I could swear I couldn’t get enough air. My lungs felt half full with each gulp, and dizziness swirled me on the spot. I leaned over, gripping the desk. “Calm.” I gasped between breaths. “I have to calm.”
I had never felt more alone. A knock sounded at the door. I rushed to it and locked it.
A guard’s voice sounded. “We are ready for you.”
My hand shot to my mouth, silencing my panic. I managed to shake out a half-convincing “thank you” before hurrying back to my armchair. I needed Morgana… or Blaise, someone to help me and tell me what was best, but I only had myself to rely on. Needing to realize my own strength as queen, I forced myself to breathe slower, even though it went against every instinct in my body. I went over the breathing techniques the elf Birch had taught me what felt like lifetimes ago, and I felt myself come down.
Usually, I needed time to recover, to sleep, after an attack passed, but I couldn’t. My people were waiting for me, and as much as I wanted to hide away, I couldn’t. Going out there and telling them everything opened me up to vulnerability. If I didn’t convince them, I’d be removed from the throne and the Court would revolt, and if my guards turned, I was done for.
I tried my best not to think about how this could end with my head on a block and unlocked, then opened the double doors. I held my breath when I reached the arched doors leading to the courtyard. I heard the rising chatter through the thick wood and stone. I closed my eyes, finding solace in the darkness, and stepped out into the cold, ash-tinted air.
