Page 153 of Tiger's Quest
When I put my head in my hands, he ducked under the water and swam over to me. I heard him stand and looked up at his face. Water sluiced off his bronze torso. He really was a gorgeous man. Any girl would be lucky to have a guy like him.
He held out a hand. “Then come back over here and kiss me.”
I shook my head. “I’mnot. . . Ican’t,” I sighed sadly. “Look, all I know is, Ilovehim. And being with you, as tempting as you are, is not something I can do. I can’t turn away from him. Please don’t ask me to.”
I got out of the pool and wrapped a towel around my body. I heard a splash and felt his nearness as he also dried off.
Kishan turned me to face him, willing me to meet his eyes. “You need to know that this is not about me competing with him. It’s not about some hidden agenda. It’s not a crush.” He brushed his thumbs across my cheeks and cupped the sides of my face. “I love you, Kelsey.”
He took a step closer.
I placed my hand on his warm chest and said, “If youreallylove me, then don’t kiss me again.” I stood my ground and waited for his reply. It wasn’t easy. I felt like running, escaping to my room, but we needed to settle this between us.
He stood there breathing deeply. He looked down, and I could see flashes of emotion cross his face. Then he raised his eyes to mine. He acquiesced and said, “I won’t promise that I’ll never kiss you again, but I will promise not to kiss you unless I’m sure that you and Ren are through.”
I was about to protest when he continued.
He touched my face lightly. “I’m not the kind of man to bottle up my feelings, Kells. I don’t sit up in my room pining away, writing love poems. I’m not a dreamer. I’m a fighter. I’m a man of action, and it will takeallof my self-control not to fight for this. When something needs to be done, I do it. When I feel something, I act on it. I don’t see any reason why Ren deserves to get the girl of his dreams and I don’t. It doesn’t seem fair that this happens to me twice.”
I put my hand on his arm. “You’re right. It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you’ve had to be with me night and day for the past few weeks. It’s not fair to ask you to set aside your feelings. It’s not fair to ask you to be my friend when you feel this way. But, the fact is, I need you. I need your help. I need your support. And, I especially need your friendship. I wouldn’t have survived one day in Shangri-la without you. I don’t think I can rescue Ren without you, either. It’s not fair to ask, but I’m asking.Please.I need you to let me go.”
He looked at the house, brooding for a moment, and then at me. He touched my wet hair and discontentedly said, “Alright. I’ll back off, but I’m not doing it for him and definitely not doing it for me. I’m doing it for you. Remember that.”
I nodded silently and watched him stalk off to the veranda. My knees buckled, and I sat down hard on the pool chair.
I spent the rest of the day in my room studying texts on the Baiga. I kept rereading sections. I felt divided, torn. I was confused. I felt like someone had asked me to pick which parent would live and which would die. Whichever choice I made, I would feel responsible for the death of the other one. It wasn’t about choosing happiness; it was about choosing suffering. Which one would I make suffer?
I didn’t wanteitherof them to suffer. My happiness was irrelevant. This wasn’t like breaking up with Li or Jason. Ren needed me, loved me. But Kishan did too. There was no easy choice, no answer that would appease both of them. I pushed the books aside, picked up one of Ren’s poems and a Hindi/English dictionary. It was one of the poems he’d written after I left India. It took me a long time to translate it, but it was worth it.
Am I alive?
I can breathe
I can feel
I can taste
But the air doesn’t fill my lungs
All textures are rough
All tastes are muted
Am I alive?
I can see
I can hear
I can sense
But the world is black and white
Voices sound tinny and small
What I sense is confusing and out of place
When you’re with me
