Page 125 of Tiger's Voyage
Shocked, I asked, “What was the trigger? What brought back your memory of me after all this time?”
He looked away. “It’s not important. The important thing is that it’s over. I remember you. Us. Kishkindha. Oregon. I remember being taken, handing you to Kishan, the Valentine’s dance, fighting Li,our firstkiss… all of it.”
I stood and walked to the window. I pressed my hand against the glass and kept my back turned to him.
Ren continued, “Phet was right. I did this to myself.”
I clenched my fist and touched my forehead to the cold glass. My breath fogged the window lightly then disappeared between breaths. “Why?” My voice broke. “Why did you do it?”
He rose and stood behind me—close enough that his nearness affected me. It was warm and calming, and yet at the same time, my nerves stood on end, prickling my skin until I was sensitive to everything around me. He touched a strand of my hair and his fingers brushed the back of my neck. I jumped but stayed where I was.
“Durga offered to help me block you out and even planted a subliminal aversion to being near you. The idea being that if somehow I was rescued, even then I would stay as far away from you as possible.”
“That included you not being able to touch me? The burning you felt?”
“Yes. That way, I’d avoid you, and Lokesh couldn’t use me to find you. He was making me say things that I didn’t want him to know. He made me hallucinate with some kind of power. He was obsessed with finding you. Forgetting you was the only way I could really protect you. The only way to save you.”
A tear splashed on my cheek. Others followed, and I sniffled softly.
He took a step closer and put a hand against the glass near mine. He leaned in and said quietly, “I’msosorry,iadala. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m sorry about your birthday, and worst of all I’m sorry for making you feel that I didn’t want you. That was never the case. Ever. Even when I couldn’t remember you.”
I laughed wetly. “Even when Randi was here?”
“I detested Randi.”
“You sure could have fooled me.”
“‘If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?’ I pushed you away on purpose. When Kishan gave you CPR, and I couldn’t, I knew you needed someone who could take care of you and be there for you. I couldn’t be what you needed.
“Kelsey, I can remember every moment I spent with you. I remember the first time you touched me as a tiger. I remember arguing with you in Kishkindha. I remember the fear I felt after the Kappa bit you. I remember the candlelight shining in your eyes at our Valentine’s dinner. I remember the first time you told me you loved me right before you left India, and I remember handing you to Kishan in Oregon and letting you go. I thought that was the hardest thing I’d ever experience, but then Durga offered me the chance to save you. I almost didn’t do it.
“There was a void in my heart after she took my memories. I felt them drain out of me, and there was nothing I could do to hold onto them. I desperately grasped at each one as they vanished, faded from my mind. The last thing I forgot was your face. That last image of you was so real, I tried to cup your face with my hands and hold on. I refused to let you go, but that image of you faded too until I held nothing. My heart was broken, and I couldn’t remember why. To live like that was horrible. I wanted Lokesh to kill me. I actually began to look forward to the torture. It was a distraction for my mind.”
He leaned his head and shoulder against the glass so he could see my face.
“Then one day, the three of you came and saved me. I didn’t know who you were. I felt like I should know you, but I couldn’t stay around you as a man without great pain. Being around you filled the emptiness though. It was worth the physical pain. I don’t think Durga expected that. That the emotional pull of you would override the physical discomforts of being close. So we came together again. But this time I was limited, blocked. As a tiger I could be close, be your companion, feel you near, and I fell for you again.
“Because a part of me sensed we belonged together, I was at peace. I would have been content to be your lapdog for the rest of my life. You asked me at the Star Festival if I would want more than that. The answer was no. There was nowhere else, nooneelse who made me feel like you did.
“Then when I broke up with you, I tried to prove to you and to myself that I didn’t need you. I avoided you. I hurt you. I paraded other women around, so you would believe I didn’t want you. But it was a lie. I had ten women surrounding me, and all I could think about was that cowboy having his hands on you. All I could see was the hurt I’d caused you. I convinced myself I was doing it for your own good. That you would be happier and would have a normal life without me. I selfishly pushed you toward Kishan knowing that if you were with him, at least I’d get to be near you sometimes.”
“And you knew he could protect me.”
“Yes.”
I turned to the side to face him. “And now?”
“And now?” He laughed sadly and ran a hand through his hair. “And now I’m worse off than I was before. At least before, I didn’t have the memory of kissing you in the kitchen between batches of chocolate-peanut-butter cookies. I didn’t remember what it felt like dancing with you in Oregon. I didn’t remember what you looked like in your blueshararadress. I didn’t have the memory of fightingforyou or fightingwithyou. Of dating you or seeing you for the first time in months on Christmas day and how I finally felt … whole again.”
He sighed. “I know I caused you pain. I know I hurt you. I know I broke your trust, your faith in me. Just … tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this. How to make it right. How to win you back again. If I could take all the pain I caused you into myself, I would. You are more important to me than all the world, and I wouldsacrificeall of the world to make you happy, to keep you safe. Please believe me when I say that.”
I sniffed and moved in front of him. I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him fiercely. “I do believe that.”
He pressed me tightly to his chest and stroked my hair, quietly. We stood that way a long time. He seemed content to just hold me close. Finally, emotionally spent, I steeled myself and stepped away.
I patted his arm and said, “We can talk about this more tomorrow, Ren. It’s way past midnight now, and I’m exhausted. Goodnight.”
“Goodnight?” he asked, puzzled.
