Page 142 of Tiger's Voyage
That’s not how the game is played.
I can’t allow myself to feel those things. It hurts, I responded mentally.
Hurt is a part of life. Now get on with it.
I dashed away my tears and pressed my hands against the door. Resting my forehead on the wood, I closed my eyes. The dragon laughed, and I felt its delight in my despondency. I’d purposely closed off the powerful connection I felt with Ren. Shutting it off like a valve, I’d done my best to block out my feelings for him. The faucet was leaky, but I plugged up the holes the best I could and tried to shunt my emotions, redirecting the flow to other places.
As I stood there quaking, I realized that blocking my feelings was my modus operandi. I’d done it when my parents died. I’d done it when I left Ren. I’d done it when he was taken.I can’t risk it, dragon. He’ll leaveme again.
Lsèlóng replied,Without risk, there is no reward. Would you ratherstay here with me for an eternity?
No.At that moment, I realized I was a coward. And I knew I had no choice but to press forward.How do I start?
Travel along your connection to his heart.
The green dragon led me. My mind summoned a vision. I stood in a white foggy mist. Lost, I turned in circles, searching for something. The dragon called to me, and I walked blindly forward, following its voice. The fog swirled around my feet, and the ground was unsteady. Then something golden appeared in the mist, a bright rope that crackled with energy.
Now put your hands on the tether, and follow it to its source.
I obeyed the dragon, grabbed onto the golden rope, and walked alongside it. Once on the journey, I hesitated and almost turned back. I heard a warm voice speak in my mind.Please don’t let go. I can’t loseyou again.
The pleading in the voice moved me, and I clutched the rope as I walked. Forgotten feelings and memories rushed into my vision. The mists started to fade as my mind replayed tender moments Ren and I had shared—our first kiss, dancing on Valentine’s Day, how he held me after a nightmare. The farther I walked, the more my heart opened. But letting in those happy memories also brought the evil doppelganger of pain and hurt.
My feet dragged as if I was stuck in quicksand. When I hesitated and moved a step back, the fog rose up and numbed me again. It would have been so easy to turn back, to block my feelings, but I knew I had to trudge ahead, despite the fact that each step brought more agony. Each movement forward increased the stabbing pain of betrayal, of loss, of tender first love spurned, of being left alone.
Dark fingers of jealousy, bitterness, and confusion grasped at me and tried to pull me away from the tether, but I clung to it. I could feel the pulse running through it. It was powerful, good, and … joyful. Something changed for me on that journey. I realized that I wasn’t alone. I couldn’t see who was ahead, but someone was calling out to me. Every so often a warm wind would caress my skin, and a soft voice would encourage me to press on. I knew that whoever it was loved me. Suddenly, I came to the end of the rail and stopped, confused.
Where am I?
A voice behind me spoke. “You’re here with me.”
I turned around and faced a smiling Ren. He held out his arms and, with a whimper, I melted into them and pressed my cheek against his chest. He held me so close that I felt I was a part of him.
“Why was it so hard for you to find me,iadala?”
“You left me. I had to let you go.”
“Ineverleft you. I have a place for you in my heart always.” Ren lifted my chin with his finger. “But what about you? Do you feel differently now? Do you wish for me to letyougo?”
I hesitated for only a brief second. My eyes filled with tears, and I held him tightly. “No. I don’t want you to let me go. Not now. Notever.”
He held me and murmured words in his native language, soothing me. I felt safe here. Protected and loved. I’d turned the valve, and it was too late to turn it back now. The liquid drops of hurt, hope, betrayal, devotion, anguish, and love rushed through my hands, seeped through my fingers. My heart bled.
Desperately, I tried to stem the tide, to maintain control, but stopping it now was no use. I cried, and once the tears started, I couldn’t hold them back. I began to speak, telling him of my deepest, darkest fears. I described how it felt to be without him. How much it hurt to see him with another. Ren stroked my back and listened patiently and unguardedly. I sniffled wetly as I continued my confession.
“It hurt when you forgot me and when you pushed me away. I couldn’t bear to watch you go. Youleftme, like my parents did. I had to shut off a part of myself to survive. Without you, I shriveled and became only a shadow of myself. I felt … jumbled, like broken words on a page. A poem hacked to pieces. Nothing made sense. How could you do that to me? Tous?” I accused.
“Don’t you know that I would do anything to keep you safe?” Ren argued. “I had to love you enough to let you go. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and I don’t intend to ever do it again. Even so, my heart always belonged to you. Surely you still felt that.”
“Yes, but I buried my feelings for you so deeply that I don’t even know if I can revive them,” I admitted. “My strength comes from them; I can at least admit that. It’s obvious that I need you. That I want you. My body burns with a golden flame when you touch me. But I can’t trust you anymore. I don’t want to push you away, but I’m frightened. I love you so much, I’m afraid you’ll destroy me.”
Ren pressed his cheek against mine and said, “For many, love is a two-sided coin. It can strengthen or stifle, expand or enfeeble, enrich or pauperize. When love is returned, we soar. We are taken to heights unseen, where it delights, invigorates, and beautifies. When love is spurned, we feel crippled, disconsolate, and bereaved. Ihavealways andwillalways love you, Kelsey. Nothing on Earth or in the heavens can change that fact. Polish the coin, and you will see only requited love on both sides. I was destined to love you, and I will belong to you forever.”
I took a step back and looked up. My blue-eyed prince stroked my cheek and wiped away a tear with his finger.
“How can you be so sure of all this? Of me?” I asked. “We’ve suffered so much in trying to be together. Maybe destiny wants to keep us apart. Maybe that would be easier.”
Ren smiled and cupped my face between his hands. Sighing, he traced my bottom lip with a thumb. “If, at the end of this, I get to be with you, it all will have been worth it. ‘Only a man who has felt ultimate despair is capable of feeling ultimate bliss.’”
