Page 68 of A Little Bit Reckless
That day it had been Megan.
The memories of what happened that summer flooded my entire being on the regular, but not in the ways they should. I allowed Megan to drown that day, but what was worse was why she’d drowned.
“Wells?” Bow had her hands on my wrists. She studied me with these deep blue eyes that should remind me of her brother. Fuck, that should be all I saw when I looked at her. I should see my best friend’s little sister.
Not the girl I’d been aware of for so long.
I hated myself for that. Ihatedmy-fucking-self.
“Wells?” Bow was able to squeeze my wrists because my hands were still on her face. Why was I still touching her? She scanned my eyes. “Archer?”
She could see me again, her Archer. I wasn’t bothering to hide him. Why couldn’t I hide him?
“I don’t hate you, Bow,” I admitted, and I wished so hard I could.I tried. I tried so hard for so long. “I hate me. I hate what I did.”
Her blue eyes got so sad. Her mouth turned down, and even though her lips were painted red, I knew they’d be flushing right now. They always flushed.
Stop.
I couldn’t help myself. I touched her full lips, and they trembled. Her mouth moved at a mere touch from my finger, and that shot so much awareness into my being, my cock…
Stop.
I couldn’t. I wanted to, but I couldn’t fucking fight.
Why can’t I fight?
“What do you mean you hate what you did?” she asked me, so innocent.
Shewasinnocent. Rainbow Reed couldn’t hurt a fucking cockroach. I knew because I saw her interact with one once when we’d been cleaning out her parents’ garage. Thatcher made me help. His dad said we couldn’t hang out until it was done, so I helped.
Anyway, a roach ran right across Bow’s feet. It rightly scared the shit out of her, but after that initial reaction, she got a mason jar and a piece of paper from the kitchen. She scooped the thing up and set it free out in the wild becausethatwas the type of person she was. She was, no matter how much I tried to convince myself she wasn’t.
“It was my fault. It was my fault. It was my…” I started, and I couldn’t fuckingbreathe. My jaw was so fucking tight, locked. “It’s my fault that girl died, Bow. Not yours. Never yours.”
It couldn’t be. Rainbow Reed was kind. She wasinnocent.
She was perfect.
“What?” Her voice was a whisper, and I barely heard it.
I squeezed her arms. “It was me, Bow. This whole fucking time it was me. What happened that summer?” I shook my head. “And I wish I could blame you for my fuckup. I tried. I tried for so long.”
“I don’t understand.” Her whole body was trembling now, and I saw it well. She had very little clothing on right now, and even though she was mostly beneath the water, that didn’t matter. I saw her ease her trim hips into the pool up to the point of her breasts. I saw her pert nipples pierce through her lace bra before she glided the rest of the way into the water.I saw her.
Because I watched her.
I watched this girl so many times when she didn’t know. I was aware of where she was at virtually all times, and the same went for that summer I allowed an innocent girl to drown. I wasn’t watching Megan. In fact, I was barely watching anyone else at the pool that day even though I was a lifeguard. My attention had been divided because it was always,alwayson one thing, on one… person.
Bow’s mouth parted. “Wells?—”
“It wasn’t your fault.” I heard the ache in my voice. It was the same ache I was forced to live every fucking day. It was the death of an innocent girl, yes, but it was also knowing what I knew about my best friend’s little sister. It was knowing how my insides felt every time I was forced to be around her and act like I was fine.
I wasn’t fine.
It fuckingachedto be around Rainbow Reed. It ate at me every fucking day, and it was easier to make her suffer. If I was suffering…
She touched my hair again, and it felt like she gave me life. She did for a time. Every day seeing her at Thatcher’s house growing up was like light. She was the sunshine to the darkness of all our problems, my friends and I. My best friends had some really fucked-up shit happen to them over the years. They all had their own dark constants. I didn’t know suffering like my friends but Bow… little Rainbow Reed was always glowing. She brought color to our dark world.
