Page 134 of One Night Only
“We’re going to hash this out eventually,” he continues. “Maybe it would be best to wait until you’ve calmed down and I’ve figured out what I’m going to say but I’m not going to waste another few days waiting for that to happen, so let me in. Please, Sarah.”
His voice drops for the last two words, catching me off guard. The only reason I’m able to hear them is because I’ve moved closer to the door again. Drawn to him despite my best efforts.
There’s no more noise from the hallway and as I undo the latch I almost think he’s left when he suddenly barges inside.
“I’m not in love with her,” he says, throwing his bag down again.
I close the door. “But you have feelings for her.”
“I do. Mild annoyance right now. Nothing compared to how annoyed I am with you.”
“Oh, great start.”
“Of course I have feelings for her, Sarah. I grew up with her and I married her. What I feel for her can’t exactly be summed up in a neat little word. But I don’t love her. I don’t talk to her and I don’t think about her. I haven’t for a very long time.”
“Then why did you go to see her?”
“To sign the divorce papers,” he says. “I want to finalize the divorce.”
“And figure out what you feel about her?” I persist stubbornly.
“I don’t feel anything for her!” he exclaims. “Hence the fecking divorce!”
“Paul said—”
“Paul doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”
“Hesaidyou refused to sign them when she asked. He said you thought she would change her mind and that’s why you never went through with it.”
It’s like I’ve struck him. He stares at me, dumbfounded, his mouth forming words even though he makes no sound. “He thinks I refused?”
“That’s what he said.”
“That’s not true. I mean, yes, at the time I didn’t want her to leave me but I also wasn’t about to trap her in some marriage she wanted no part of. Is that what everyone thinks?” He looks genuinely perturbed. So much so I almost believe him.
“Then why didn’t you go through it?’
“Because it’s expensive! Do you know how much it costs to get divorced? I could barely afford to pay my rent and she wasn’t doing much better. Not with her student loans. So, we agreed on a separation period for a year or two while we got our shit together.”
“It’s been a year or two and you both seem to be doing pretty well for yourselves.”
“You really overestimate how much I earn running a bar, don’t you?”
“So why go to her now? After all this time you just suddenly thought, oh hey, better scratch that off my to-do list.”
“Because I thought—” He breaks off suddenly and I realize that this, this moment right here, is what he didn’t want to talk about. He still doesn’t want to talk about it. He’s watching me like I’m a scared animal who’s about to bolt.
“Because,” he repeats, calmer this time, “I thought there was…isthe beginning of something big between us. And I didn’t want her hanging over my head. Hanging over both our heads. I went to see her to finish that part of my life. So that when I did tell you about it, I could answer your questions. So you wouldn’t have any doubt.”
I stare at him, searching for any sign he’s lying to me. When I don’t respond he turns and goes back to the sofa, dropping his head into his hands and rubbing his face as if he’s suddenly exhausted.
“You told me you didn’t want a relationship and I’ll be honest with you, Sarah, I wasn’t planning on one either. Not with the bars so busy and the business finally beginning to take off. But nor am I stupid enough to turn my back on something good just because I wasn’t expecting it. I kept messing things up when it came to you and I wanted so badly to get this part right. I wanted to tie up that part of my life so you wouldn’t look at me like that.”
I blink, realizing I’m staring at him. His gaze drops to the coffee table, his shoulders rounded in on himself.
“So, you signed them?” I ask once I’ve organized my thoughts.
“No.”
