Page 143 of Snowed In
“You’re right. We needed to get it replaced years ago.”
“It’s not a big deal.”
“It is,” he says. “That’s why you didn’t tell us you were doing it.”
Fair enough.
“Look, Dad—”
“It stuck with me. What you said the other day. About you being a disappointment.”
I freeze, faint alarm bells ringing because I have no idea what to do with that. We usually don’t argue on Christmas Day. That’s the unspoken rule between us.
“Is that really what you think?” he asks and looks at me as if he really wants an answer. Like he genuinely doesn’t know. But I don’t rise to the bait, if that’s what it is, and after a long moment of silence, he sighs, his breath misting in the night air.
“I didn’t know what to do with you when you were young,” he admits. “From the moment you learned to stand on your own two feet, you were walking rings around the lot of us. Liam was good as gold. Andrew was a nightmare. You couldn’t leave him alone in the room without him sticking forks into sockets and climbing bookshelves. But you…sometimes you were so smart it scared me. I was relieved when you acted out because at least then I knew how to yell at you. At least then, I could feel like a parent. It was the only way I knew how to talk to you. And I guess that never stopped.”
I stare at him, not daring to say a word. I think it’s the most I’ve ever heard him speak in my entire life, and I’m afraid he’s going to stop.
“Sometimes I feel like I pushed you away,” he continues slowly. “And that’s why you left. I won’t lie and say that I didn’t want you on the farm. I thought you’d be good at it. You’re more ambitious than Liam, more disciplined than Andrew. It’s hard work, but you’re a hard worker. Even when you pretended you weren’t. And I was so proud of you when you got that scholarship. I thought you’d finally find what you were looking for. That some of that restless energy would ease. But it never did. If anything, it got worse. And I didn’t know how to help you.” He turns to me then, his gaze as steady and calm as it always is. “You’re not a disappointment, Christian. You never have been. But there’s no point to any of this if you’re not happy. And you can tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you are. And I don’t think anything you’ve done these last few years has done anything to change that. And that’s what eats at me. That’s what worries me.”
I swallow, my chest tight with some emotion I can’t even begin to pick apart.
“You guys make me happy,” I say gruffly. “Being back in Ireland makes me happy. My job some days. Running. Reading.” I pause, and the tightness turns into an ache. “Megan.”
“She’s a nice girl, that one,” Dad says. “I’m sorry I implied you didn’t care for her.”
“You weren’t completely off base. Not like I ever had a real relationship before.”
“Just because they weren’t meant to last forever doesn’t mean they weren’t real.”
“Doesn’t mean they were good for me either,” I say, remembering how I’d acted around previous girlfriends. Playing the role I thought they wanted me to. “Megan’s not like that for me.”
“You like her.”
The words are such an understatement, I almost laugh. “Yeah. You could say that. I like her so much that I think I’m falling in love with her.”
“You think?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never been in love before. And if this is it, it’s kind of shit, if I’m honest. Makes me feel like I’m losing my mind.”
Dad doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and I know, as always, he’s weighing his words carefully.
“Did I ever tell you the story about how your mother and I met?”
“Yeah,” I say, surprised. It’s Mam’s favorite story when she’s had one sherry too many. “You were at a dance.”
“Did I tell you she was there with someone else?”
“She was not,” I say, impressed, and Dad nods.
“Graham Feeney.”
“My real father?”
“That’s the one,” he says, faint humor in his eyes. “It was only their second date, but he was pretty taken by her.” He speaks matter-of-factly, like he’s discussing the weather, but I’ve never heard him talk about her like this before. “She was the most beautiful person I’d ever seen,” he continues. “And she was a wonderful dancer. But I had two left feet and had always been shy, so I didn’t dare approach her. Not at first.”
“This isn’t the part you tell me you threw her over your shoulder and carried her off into the night, is it? Because that stuff doesn’t fly anymore.”
