Page 30 of Winter at the Cornish Garden Café
‘Has he?’ She looked up at him and he nodded.
‘He said he’s had a lot of time to think over the years and that he regrets how he behaved. He told me things about his childhood and about how he always felt that he was lacking as a husband and father. It made him chase dreams he didn’t even really want. He also said he found it hard to accept that he had everything he’d ever wanted in my mum and me, and that made him do things he later regretted.’
‘So he self-sabotaged his happiness?’ she asked.
‘I think that’s what he was saying without actually using those words. I think that we’re all guilty of that to a certain degree.’
They fell silent for a bit as they let that thought soak in then Thora said, ‘It’s positive that he’s been able to speak to you about those things.’
‘I think it helped him to speak to me about it all. It certainly wasn’t an easy conversation, but it has helped me to see him as more than just a villain.’
‘A villain?’
‘Yeah … He was the villain of my story for a long time because of how he treated Mum and because of what he was like to mewhen I was growing up. And to you … He wasn’t exactly nice to you either. He said he knows there’s no excusing how he was, but he hopes I can find it in my heart to forgive him.’
‘Can you?’
They stopped walking and gazed out at the endless black expanse of the sea. The moon was a silver orb in the sky, its reflection running through the water like a ribbon of liquid light that led to the sand. The ribbon shimmered on the surface of the water, twisting gently with the tide. Lucas watched it, unsettled by its beauty. He thought about what lay beneath the surface and he shivered. People were like the sea with their hidden depths and secrets. But sooner or later, things started to rise to the surface — memories, mistakes and long buried emotions. And then the truth had a way of showing itself. Lucas had spent years keeping things buried inside but now they were rising and it was time for him to face them.
‘I hope so. I mean, I think I’m trying to forgive him and I’m trying to understand him better. Mum’s pain is hard to forget, but I also want to give him a chance. He’s elderly now and getting frail and if I don’t make my peace with him now, then I may never get the chance.’
‘That makes sense.’ Thora nodded. ‘And you love him?’
‘I always have done. Even when I was hurt, I still loved him. All I ever wanted really was for him to tell me he was proud of me and that he loved me and Mum. We’re quite simple as a species, really, aren’t we?’
‘We are. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting your parents to love you and for them to be proud of you. However old you are.’
‘I’m going to stay until January and be open with him and hopefully we can become closer. I never thought it would happen, but I think life is like that. As I get older, it becomes clearer to me that we have to make the most of the people we care about while we can. Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed for any of us.’
As he said the words, his breath caught. Thora looked down and he saw she was biting her bottom lip. He reached out and took hold of her chin, turned her head gently towards him. ‘You’re upset?’
She shook her head, but a tear raced down her cheek and plopped onto her coat. Another followed and soon she had narrow streams running down both cheeks, even though she wasn’t making a sound.
‘Tell me,’ he said.
She sniffed, then wiped her glove across her face. ‘This … It’s a lot.’
‘I know. I’m feeling it too.’
‘And when you said … life is short and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed, it made me think about us. I can’t regret the time we had apart because I wouldn’t have had my children, but sometimes I wish things had been different for us.’
‘They could have been mine.’ His voice cracked as the enormity of it hit him in the chest like a punch.
‘I’ve thought that too.’ Fresh tears welled in her eyes, but this time she didn’t wipe them away. Bathed in moonlight, her glowing cheeks gave her the ethereal look of a spirit, hauntinglybeautiful as she walked the path, seeking her lost love and life. ‘We had something special, didn’t we?’
‘I thought so.’ He inclined his head, swallowing hard as his own tears threatened. ‘But we were young and full of pride, and we were both so stubborn.’
‘What if we hadn’t been stubborn, and we’d made up?’
‘Don’t think that way now. We can’t go back, sweetheart.’ He stroked her cheeks and let his gloves soak up the tears, thinking that he could at least take some of her with him that way. Keep the gloves soaked in her tears to keep part of Thora.
‘We can’t go back. I know that. All we can do is keep moving forwards.’
‘And not waste any more time,’ he whispered.
‘But Lucas, I don’t know … I have feelings for you, but can we really be together after all that time? I mean … What if the things that went wrong last time are still there? We’ve both lived since we split up and been through different life experiences. It’s not like we’re kids anymore.’
Lucas sighed and gazed out at the sea. He felt insignificant, like a tiny speck of dust on the earth, easily blown away and lost forever. Thora was right, of course, and even though they were attracted to each other still, there was a chance they’d be unable to make things work between them. Perhaps what remained was simply nostalgia and a physical yearning for the feelings they’d shared years ago.
