Page 42 of Winter at the Cornish Garden Café
‘Yes?’ His question drifted out into the air and Thora placed a hand on his chest as the song ended, then took a deep breath.
21
THORA
‘This song. Oh god, this song. The feelings it brings back. The memories. Lucas, I…’ Thora paused as she struggled to find the words to tell Lucas what she was feeling in her heart. The snow fall thickened, turning everything white, settling on their lashes and their hats, every surface around them. ‘I’m terrified.’
He frowned. ‘Of what?’
‘I can’t keep this inside any longer, Lucas. I’m terrified of what this is between us.’ Her voice trembled and her hand that still sat against his chest shook. ‘It broke me losing you last time and the fear of losing you is something I don’t know how to live with again.’
He covered her hand with his and held it against his chest, gazed into her eyes as if he had the key to her soul. ‘I understand because I feel it too.’
‘But … You only have to worry about yourself. I’m a mum. I have two children I can’t let down. If you broke my heart again, I’d let my children down and they would suffer. That would be selfishof me. Rosie and Reggie are everything. They’re my reason and have been since they were born.’
‘I understand that, and we’d ensure they were taken care of.’ His eyes scanned her face, uncertainty in their depths now, as if he feared her next words would break him.
‘Things keep coming back to me,’ she whispered. ‘You said … You said I was boring for not wanting to leave Porthpenny.’
‘Thora … I was young. I was an idiot, and I was searching for words to hurt you because I was hurting.’
‘But I believed it. I thought I must be boring for years. But I like who I am now, and I can’t allow that to change.’
‘I never thought you were boring. I promise you that.’
‘I-I’ve worked so hard to create a stable life with a home and two jobs and even though Finn and I spilt up, Rosie and Reggie have a good life. But this isn’t the life you want, is it? You have a career and a home and a life in London. I’m just me. The same person I’ve always been. I don’t see how things can have changed for you. Not really.’
‘Thora please?—’
‘I can’t, Lucas. I’ve tried to think about how I can but it’s not just about me anymore. My feelings for you are too strong, too overpowering. Since I saw you back in the village, I’ve been unable to think straight. It’s like you dominate my thoughts and that can’t be right. This can only lead to heartbreak again.’
‘Please don’t do this. Let me explain why I was such an idiot before and…’
But Thora slipped out of his grasp and shook her head. Her heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces, but her fear was colder than the snow and her whole body trembled with its power. She had responsibilities that couldn’t be abandoned and she had people who relied upon her. In future years, her parents would need her too and if Lucas decided he wanted to stay in London, then they’d have to separate again because she couldn’t walk away from her commitments. His only responsibility was his father, but she had far more responsibilities, and she wasn’t willing to forsake them all simply because she was falling for him again.
‘I need to end this now,’ she said, as she stepped away from him, creating space between them that felt hollow and cold, and as barren as the years when they’d been apart. ‘I thought I could do this, but I quite clearly can’t. I’m not brave enough or strong enough. Lucas, I’m so sorry.’
She turned and marched back towards the village hall. Lucas called her name, but she kept her head down and trudged through the snow, not caring that her face was aching with the shock of the cold or that her feet were wet as snow sneaked inside the legs of her boots. Nothing could hurt her as much as letting go of Lucas a second time, and so she welcomed the physical sensations because they were a temporary distraction from what she had just done.
22
THORA
‘What is wrong with you?’ Finn asked as soon as Thora opened the door.
‘What?’ She fluffed up her hair and made an effort to push her shoulders back. ‘What do you mean?’
Barry bounced at Finn’s ankles so he picked the small dog up and made a fuss of him, then followed Thora through to the kitchen. He pulled out a chair at the table and set Barry on the floor.
‘You know what I mean, Thora.’
‘I don’t.’ She folded her arms across her chest and shook her head, watching as Barry went to his bed and found a small toy bone he’d been chewing earlier, then began gnawing on it.
‘Look at the state of you. Your eyes are black. Your face is pale as the snow outside and I’ll bet you barely slept a wink.’ Finn’s brow was furrowed, which showed he was worried because he usually tried to avoid frowning.
Thora looked at her hands and feigned interest in her nails. It was true; she had barely slept because she’d spent all night tossing and turning. After she’d left Lucas at the harbour, she’d half expected him to follow her to the village hall but he hadn’t and when she’d been unable to resist turning back to look, he’d disappeared. And that had hurt. Not that she was playing games with him. She had meant what she’d said, but a part of her had also hoped he would fight for her this time. As much as she believed it was for the best if they didn’t carry on, she didn’t want to let go of him. Every molecule of her being had screamed at her to go back and find him; to tell him she hadn’t meant a word of it and that she loved him and wanted to be with him.
‘Do you want tea?’ she asked as she turned to the kettle, as if the simple act of making tea could spare her from Finn’s scrutiny.
