Page 139 of It's Always Been You
A lone teardrop soaks through the paper.
When you moved in with Maggie, things changed between us. By that point, I was nursing an embarrassing little crush—mostly because I didn’t want to see you in that light.
The more time we spent together, the more that quiet flame I held for you burned hotter. Our friendship evolved, too. I confided in you during some of my darkest hours, and vice versa. I told you things I’ve never told another soul, and you embraced me despite all my flaws. You never judged me. You loved me unconditionally. You understood me. You believed in me. You cared for me during those long newborn nights, kept my spirits high when I wanted to wallow.
I fell in love with you, Evie.
And, though I had the best of intentions, I should have never tried to counsel you. Should have never inserted myself into your emotional world or urged you to entrust me with your struggles and burdens. But how could I not, when you were so invested in mine? So I took it upon myself to try and help you heal your pain. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, Evie—to bring that beautiful light back into your eyes. Regrettably, I only ended up adding to your pain.
I’m so sorry. No words will ever begin to express how deeply sorry I am. I let you walk away from me believing that night we shared—and every moment leading up to it—meant nothing to me. But know this: every kiss, every tender touch, every whispered word—all of it was as genuine as my love for you.
That look on your face when you came downstairs the next morning, expecting roses when I gave you thorns . . .
Genevieve, it will haunt me until the day I die.
I distanced myself from you, allowing your misbelief to fester. All the while, you were hurting worse than ever before. And you were suffering in silence.
If you never find it in your heart to forgive me, Evie, I can accept that. However, I pray that you can—not for my sake, but yours. Please know that what I did had nothing to do with you. I wasn’t ready to admit how I felt about you, so I took the easy way out. I’ll have to learn to live with that regret. Especially knowing I abandoned you in your greatest moment of need, when you were scared and lost and hurting, learning to live with a kind of grief that never truly goes away.
I’m so sorry.
Please know that I never meant to make you feel unloved. Lord knows you are the most lovable person in the world, and you will always hold my heart captive. You are the only woman I’ve ever loved—the only one I’ve ever touched and meant it. I’ve had the immense privilege of loving you in every way a man can possibly love a woman—first, as family, then as a friend, and then as so much more. As long as I continue to pull breath and my heart beats, it will beat for you.
That said . . .
Evie, I can’t take back the past, no matter how much I wish I could. But I can give you my future.
I have to settle the letter on my lap and place a hand over my ribs before I can read any farther. Taking a deep breath, I pick it back up and continue.
From the moment you let me back into your life, Genevieve, I’ve had one goal—and that was to represent the love of Christ in your life. I learned very quickly how fallible I really am, how impossible of a task that truly was. That’s the thing about following Jesus, though; He is the one in the driver’s seat. I’m simply a cracked vessel, a broken instrument for Him to use to demonstrate just how much He loves you, how far He will go to chase you down and bring you back into His fold.
And that’s the kicker—even in my very best moments, my love will always be a shadow of a far greater, more fulfilling love from a Father who is righteous, holy, and perfect—every minute of every day. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Jesus will never let you down. Not like I did.
Evie, if you’re willing to give me that second chance I don’t deserve, my vow to you is this—to honor you, cherish you, and love you like Christ loves the church for the rest of our lives, in His strength alone. I promise to take care of you and put your needs above my own every moment of every day. I will protect you with my life, and I will gladly lay it down for you if it comes to that.
I know now that God wasn’t necessarily asking me to give you away by letting you go, but to give you the space you needed to learn that His love should always come first—above mine and anyone else’s. And, let’s be honest, I have some healing and growing to do, too, and I’m hoping this time apart will bring us back together stronger than before, if that is His will. I hope it is. But I’m leaving that decision up to you and Him.
In the meantime, I will be praying for you. Waiting for you. Dreaming that one day, you will be completely mine—in every sense of the word.
Genevieve, you are the one whom my soul loves.
Yours passionately, completely, and unconditionally,
Brandon
Flopping back onto the bed, I stare at the ceiling for a solid five minutes, the letter clutched tightly to my chest. Then I pull out my phone, roll onto my side, and call him. It rings four times before I realize it’s past midnight back at home, and I quickly hang up, hoping I haven’t disturbed him.
One second later, my phone rings. My body seizes up with nerves. It’s him.
I accept the call and press the phone to my ear.
“Hi,” I whisper. “I’m sorry if I woke you.”
I hear the covers shift beneath him as he, presumably, sits up. His voice is groggy with sleep, and it caresses my ear like a touch. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, yes. I’m sorry. I totally forgot about the time difference. I was just calling to say hi.”
“Mmm.” He doesn’t sound displeased. “Good. I’ve missed your voice.”
