Page 97 of It's Always Been You
Gladys shakes her head. “Honey, Evie is her own person. She isn’t yours or Adam’s. She made her own decisions that day, and she will continue to do so—whether you’re in the picture or not. You can’t continue to punish yourself like this.” She pauses. “Not for sins that have already been forgiven.”
“Is Evie’s forgiveness in the room with us?” I joke, glancing around the room. Gladys can’t actually think Evie has forgiven me, surely?
“I’m talking about Jesus’ forgiveness, honey,” she deadpans, rolling her eyes. “Not Evie’s. I’m assuming you’ve surrendered this problem to Him.”
“Yes.” I’ve tried, anyway. I still carry the guilt like it’s a part of me.
“So stop punishing yourself.” She sits forward and takes my hand. “Need I remind you that you are a new creation in Jesus Christ, Brandon, and you don’t need to carry the burden of your past sins like they define you. The One who defines you is sitting on His throne, victorious.”
“It’s not that I think they define me, but . . .”
“But you haven’t forgiven yourself, Brandon.”
“What makes you say that?”
“Because you’re still chasing after Evie’s forgiveness like it’ll absolve you from the guilt,” she insists. “But I can tell you right now that it won’t.”
I shift to look at her. “It’s not a sin to want Evie’s forgiveness.”
“No, but you’re putting it on a pedestal. That’s why you’re still carrying the burden of shame, Brandon. You’ve convinced yourself you need her forgiveness to let go and move on.” She pauses. “And look what it’s doing to you. Not just you, but her, too.”
I’m silent as I consider it. I think she might be right.
I scrutinize her. “When did you get so wise?”
She smiles. “Brandon, Evie may never forgive you. And what if she doesn’t? Then what? Will you chase her around forever, causing each other misery until the end of time? What if what she really needs—what you both need—is for you to back off? Leave her alone?”
The Lord’s words circle back to me.Is My love enough for you? My forgiveness?
I hang my head in shame. “Gladys,” I whisper, heartbroken. “No wonder He’s been telling me to back off.” On some level, I think I’ve been idolizing Evie’sforgiveness. Trying to play God by attempting to represent Christ’s love in her life.
But I’m not God, and she needs Jesus.
She squeezes my hand. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m in no way saying that seeking her forgiveness is a bad thing, honey. It’s good, to a point. What I’m saying is that humans are fallible, and she might actually never want to reconcile with you. And if she doesn’t, well . . . you can’t carry that burden. Jesus gave His life so that we could be freed from the burdens of guilt and shame.”
“But I haven’t told you the worst part,” I moan into my hands.
I’m desperate to get the full story off my chest.
The truth is shameful. It might even change Gladys’ opinion of me.
And not for the better.
Before I can tell her the ugliest truth of them all, my cell buzzes in my back pocket. Hoping it’s Evie, I shift left and pull it out. Evie’s name flashes on the screen. At first, I’m relieved, but the feeling is short-lived. Evie wouldn’t reach out this soon after an argument. Not unless it’s an emergency.
She wouldn’t reach out at all if it was up to her.
“It’s Evie.” I accept the call. “Evie? Are you alright?”
She sniffles. “No. It’s Grandma.”
I stand. “What happened?”
“She’s on her way to the ER.”No.“She fell down the steps, and—” Evie whimpers, and I close my eyes, pacing the room as my mind races with the potential consequences.
“I’m so sorry. What can I do?”
“Look, I-I know this is a lot to ask right now, but I don’t know where Grandma put her car keys, and I need a ride to the hospital. I know you’re at work, but Jamie’s already halfway there, and—”
