Page 20 of Red Snow
I KILLED Awoman last night. I don’t really know how I feel about it. I just know she’s dead, and I know she pushed me to it. She made me do it. If she hadn’t been so disrespectful, I never would’ve done that to her. Once she disrespected my mother and her house, that was it. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’d tried to be nice and entertain her during the long ride to my house, but she crossed the line. Made fun of me.
So I did it. I went through with it. I took the saw and slid it across her throat. Softly at first. Just enough to scare her half to death. The second time was a little harder and actually broke the skin. She whined about it, so the third time, I did it as hard as I could and the blade sliced her throat like it was nothing. Like she was nothing. Once she disrespected Mother, she became nothing.
When I ask myself how I feel about cutting her head off like that, it’s hard to be honest, but when I am, I know I’m proud of what I did. Mother would be too, and that fact fills me with delight. Mother would be proud.
“Can I have another vodka, please?”
The bartender brings me another glass of straight vodka and I sip it before placing it back on the wooden coaster. Mother wouldn’t approve of my drinking, but she’s gone, and t’s been a long day. I’m tired and deserve another night out. I had a long day at work today, my body is tired from lifting all the drywall, and it feels good to be out again. I wonder will tonight be like last night.
Maybe last night was too soon to be going out and trying to be social. Earlier in the day, I’d skipped the morning at work so I could attend Mother’s funeral, if you could even call it that. I didn’t do it at a church, and I was the only person there besides the priest, who said a tiny, trivial prayer as her dull casket was being lowered into the cold ground. I cried the entire time, although I’m not sure why. Our relationship wasn’t a good one, yet there I was crying my face off, and I’ve been feeling lost ever since that moment—like I don’t know what to do if she isn’t here to tell me. All she did was yell at me and force me to do things I’m ashamed of, but now those things are all I can think about. Even the shameful things. I hate staying in the house because I miss her, and I hate that I miss her.
She ruined me. She made me perfect. What the fuck?
I know it’s going to be hard for me to move past her, but I’m trying. I really am. Being in this bar right now proves it. She wouldn’t want me here, but I don’t have to do the things she tells me anymore. Thirty-five years of listening to her has finally come to an end, and I’m free to do what I want.
What do I want?
Mother.
“Hi there,” a voice says from behind me. It’s a nice voice. Soothing. I turn around and see a pretty brunette positioning herself to take the barstool next to me. “Drinking alone tonight?” she asks.
How do I answer?
“Yes,” is all I can think to say. It’s obvious I’m drinking alone, so there’s only one reason she’d ask me that. Do I pursue this? After what happened last night? “Areyoudrinking alone tonight?”
She smiles a pretty smile. Her teeth are really white. “I am if you’re saying I can’t drink with you,” she replies. I have to admit it’s a pretty good answer.
“You can drink with me,” I tell her.
She sits down and orders an appletini. I find myself looking at her features and doing a comparison. I shouldn’t be doing that, but I can’t help me. She ruined me.
Her hair is the right color, but not the right length. Her jawline is a little too strong, but she’s still really pretty, so I can accept it. She’s the right height too. I find myself becoming more attracted to her, and it confuses me.
“So, what’s your name?” she asks, holding out her hand for me to take as she keeps giving me that warm smile.
I smile at her and let it linger before I take her hand. “Ladies first,” I reply, and she raises an eyebrow.
“Chivalrous, huh? Nice,” she says as she shakes my hand with lots of enthusiasm. “My name’s Lauren. Now what’s yours?”
My smile fades away like smoke dissipating into the air. Her name is Lauren. As much as I try to fight it, I can’t. She ruined me, and now I need specific things. She ruined me.
I let go of Lauren’s hand and ease my body away from her. She notices and her smile doesn’t look so bright anymore. She looks confused and offended. I could never get her to understand. I won’t try to.
“I’m sorry, Lauren,” I tell her as I get off my stool and turn my body to walk away. “That’s a really pretty name, but it doesn’t work for me. I have to go.”
I don’t look back when I walk away, although I’m sure Lauren is watching me walk out. I need to go back home. I’m not ready for this. It isn’t good for me to be out like this. Mother would want me home.
She ruined me. She made me perfect.
