Page 58 of Red Snow
I KNEW THEYwouldn’t find anything, but they got something on me anyway. It was the light-skinned detective. Granger. He pushed me about Mother, and I let my emotions show, so I know they’re going to be on to me now. Granger is smart. He’s intuitive, and he won’t let my reaction go. He’ll dwell on it, and dwell on it, and before I know it, they’ll be back at my doorstep. Except this time, they’ll be here to take me in, and I can’t let that happen.
Granger got to me. I’m sorry, Mother. It’s because I love you too much. He asked about you and I couldn’t do anything to stop how I feel. He pushed too far, and I lost control. I showed him who I really am, and he fucking saw it. Fuck!
He crossed the fucking line when he asked about my mother. I felt disrespected by their intrusion, but Granger, he’s the one who disrespected Mother. He’ll pay for that.
I know they’ll start digging now. They’ll talk to my neighbors and probably go to my job to talk to my boss. They’ll dig and dig until they find me, and I can’t be around for that. So, I have to go. I have to stay in the dark now.
I grab a gym bag from under Mother’s bed and start to fill it with the things I’ll need until it’s safe. I toss some canned food in there, some bottles of water, duct tape, and some clothes. By the time I’m done packing, the bag is stuffed and hard to zip, but I manage.
I walk to the doorway and place my hand on the doorknob, but before I turn it, I look behind me. I have so many memories in this place. This is my home, the only home I’ve ever known, and it was always just Mother and me.
I remember the times we laughed together. Well, she laughed sometimes, and when she did, I felt so much joy that I’d made her happy, even if it was at my own expense. I just wanted to put a smile on her face. I think deep down that was all I really cared about. Maybe that’s why I didn’t say no when she told me to do things I knew were wrong.
The first time I didn’t say no when I should’ve, was when I was ten years old. I’d just come home from school, and when I walked in, I knew things were different because Mother was showing a lot more skin than usual. She had on a thin nightgown, and she was holding a bottle of Jack Daniels. Half of it was already gone, and she was slurring her speech when she told me to come in and lock the door. I could smell the strong liquor on her breath when she kissed me, and I didn’t even know what to think when she pushed her tongue into my mouth and pulled down my pants, but I knew if I refused her, she’d hit me. I didn’t want to get hit anymore, so I didn’t say anything. I let her do what she wanted, and I did what she told me to do right there on that dirty couch. I was afraid of what we were doing, but I was much more afraid of what she’d do to me if I stopped before she told me to.
After it was over, she seemed so disappointed in me. She told me I’d have to practice so I could do it better, and she really did make me practice. Often. And I got better at it. The better I got, the happier she was when we were finished, and that made me feel good, even though I knew it was wrong. As long as it made her happy.
By the time I was twelve, when I’d walk into the trailer, she’d be waiting for me.
“Come on Big Boy,” she’d say. “Come make Momma feel good.”
I’d do whatever she asked me to do, because I didn’t want her to hate me the way she hated her father, who abused her in every way imaginable. He was the worst, and I didn’t want her to think of me as the worst, so I went along with it all.
I can still see us on the couch together, on the floor together, in the bed together. We were together, and I both loved and hated it. I loved and hated her.
Things turned dark when she was diagnosed with Leukemia. She turned ugly and mean, and nothing I did was ever good enough for her. She’d sit over there on that couch with a drink in her hand, glaring at me like I was the worst thing that ever happened to her life, even though I ruined myself to please her. I ruined myself for a horrible cunt! The older I got, the more I loved her, and the more I hated her. She broke me down and showed me just how vile a person can be, and how beautiful they can be, too.
I put up with all the physical, verbal, and sexual abuse from Mother because I wanted to make her happy, but I was never able to, and it broke me down in ways I still don’t fully understand. Ways no one can imagine
What I do understand is this; what Mother did to me, with me, made me into something spectacular. She broke me and made me perfect, and I will not stand for people disrespecting her or her name. I will not stand for people like Detective Granger.
I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t know what will happen when I get there, or how this whole thing is going to play out. I don’t know what my grand finale will be, but it will be grand.
In the memory of my mother and all we went through together, they will suffer. Phillips, Granger, and every repugnant, scandalous woman who crosses my path. They all will suffer.
This is for you, Mother. I will make you proud.
