Page 63 of Left of the Slash
“Hey, Dad,” I say aloud as I look down at the gray tombstone with the words Diego Lucero etched into it. The surrounding grass is perfectly green and completely devoid of weeds. It’s the perfect area for my father to rest, but it doesn't decrease the agony I feel in my chest when I look at it, because even after months of him being gone, I know he's not supposed to be here.
There is so much for my father and I to talk about. I know that if he wouldn't have died, I wouldn't be in charge of Obsidian right now unless he randomly decided to retire and hand it to me, but that doesn't change the fact that I wish he was here to talk to. We’ve come so far as a company and been through so much since he died, and I would love nothing more than to hear his voice talk me through it. I'm so alone without him and it breaks my heart all over again every single time I think about it.There is no getting over losing a parent, and the moments that are the hardest remind you that they aren't there to guide you or offer words of wisdom. The crack in my heart will never heal. Now all I have is these moments—dragging myself up a grassy hill to stare down at a tombstone with his name on it, but never getting to hear his response. It’s agony, yet I need it like I need air.
After Eden left my car yesterday, I didn't know what else to do. The desire to celebrate the EWB deal never manifested in my heart, and I didn't know if it was because I wasn't the one who made the deal a reality, or because the man who did was someone I'm trying to keep myself from falling for. I know how great Quinn is, and I'm sure my father would've loved him, but my dad’s death has done something to me that I didn't recognize until now. It made me obsessed with being whathewanted me to be. I was always focused on my own success because I was raised that way, but him leaving Obsidian to me made my hyperfixate on the company and Dad’s dream of me running and protecting it for him. Not only did it become my top priority, it became myonlypriority, making my obsession with my independence even more off the charts.
Usually, when I date people there are obvious flaws present that make it easy for me to latch onto a reason we shouldn't be together. There's a headache that they cause that I can't ignore, and I simply lean on that reasoning when it’s time to end it. But with Quinn, he doesn't give me a headache. His biggest problem is that he does everything I want him to do exactly the way I want him to do it. I have nothing to lean on, yet I'm still trying to lean and it’s the reason I'm falling. Even Eden sees it, and I have nowhere else to turn but to this cemetery.
I look at Dad’s grave and feel tears start to sting my eyes. I hate crying, and I reserve the act for those I love. The problem todayis that I don't know if I'm crying because I miss my father, or because of Quinn.
“I miss you,” I say as the tears start to fall. “I miss you more than I can put into words, and I wish I could call you so we can talk about all of this. Getting the East-World Bank deal almost doesn't seem fair without you here to witness it. Signing that contract is going to be the best day in Obsidian’s history, and you should be here to see it. Life is so unfair, Dad. You not being here is so fucking unfair. When I need you most, my speech is only met with silence. So how the hell am I supposed to figure all of this out without you?
“I've always known the type of woman you wanted me to be. Every time I accomplished something in my life, you always told me how proud you were, and making you proud became my sole focus when I was still a little girl. After you died, I think I grew more attached to that focus. You wanted me to take over your company and protect it from harm, and I've been obsessed with doing that. I've been consumed by being what you always wanted me to be, but now someone else has entered my life and I don't know how to continue being what you want while letting him in. I'm scared that falling for him will change what matters to me. How can I be your daughter if he becomes my top priority?
“I'm so terrified of letting you down,” I say, my voice merely a whimper now as sobs make my vocal chords quiver. “I think it might be my biggest fear. An only child doesn't want to let their parent down whether in life or death, and I'm scared that giving myself to Quinn will ruin your impression of me, and I'm sorry, Dad. I know that I'm a grown woman, and I should be able to make these decisions with ease because I'm thirty-five years old, but you were all I had my entire life, and I don't know how to move on right now. I'm stuck in place because you left so suddenly … and … fuck, I wish you were here.”
As heavy sobs begin to rack my body, I drop down to one knee before completely succumbing to my emotions and sitting in the grass. I lean against Dad’s tombstone and hug it like it’s him, weeping into the stone until my tears create a puddle on top of it that sends streaks down the side. While I cry, I think about everything I've been through, letting the moment become cathartic and heartbreaking. I accept it, knowing that when it’s all finished, I have to transform. I don't want to get up from this spot with the same level of confusion I had. Let this be rock bottom, and let me grow from here. The whole time I was focusing on Quinn accepting himself, I should've been paying more attention to myself.
Now it’s my turn to ascend.
Sobs turn to whimpers that eventually downgrade to sniffles and drawn out sighs, and by the time I’ve composed myself, I know what needs to happen next. As if my father is crouching behind me with his arms wrapped around my shoulders, his voice whispering the solution into my ear like a secret just between us, I know that I have to be easier on myself. I have to live my life for me, and not for my dad. I have to learn how to be what I want to be, while also accepting that it’s okay to want something else. It’s okay to be ambitious, it’s okay to be independent, and it’s okay to accept help. If I ever want to be happy and worthy of someone’s love, I have to open up and let them in. Otherwise, all I will ever have is work. I want more than that. I want love.
I want Quinn.
With a final sniff, I pull myself together and give the headstone a final squeeze before I stand up. Once I'm upright, I look up to the sky as if my father is up there looking down on me. I've never been a spiritual or religious girl, but I understand the sentiment because I feel better believing that he's watching me from up above, smiling as I make the right decision.
“I love you, Daddy. I hope I keep making you proud,” I whisper before kissing my fingers and gently placing them atop the headstone. Then I let out a sigh of relief and walk away, knowing that I'm walking toward a happier future.
ACCOUNTABLE
THIRTY-NINE - Quinn
“Boy Wonder! What’s up, man,” Rob says as he takes the chair next to me. It squeals beneath his weight, and the sound of him slapping me on the arm is like a firecracker in the room that is quickly filling with people. “Oh, shit. I've never sat at the fancy conference room table before. I feel like I'm coming up.”
I turn to my friend and slap him on his arm just as hard as he hit me. “Well you're making all the noise in the world like you own the place, but at least it looks good on you … unlike this tight ass shirt. You couldn't have gone a size bigger? These buttons are about to pop, bro.”
Rob doesn't even bother to glance down at his shirt. “Don't worry about my buttons. Worry about your own damn buttons. You and your fucking Polo, and your I’m-better-than-Robattitude. You're letting this conference room get to your head, Q.”
“Don't call me Q when we’re at the office,” I say with a straight face that I'm not able to hold. Both of us break out laughing, drawing the ire of Stephen and Nick from across the table. They look in our direction, but their eyes quickly find somewhere else to stare. They even manage to keep straight faces this time. Good. Had their eyes lingered a fraction longer, we would've had to have private discussions in my office about their behavior and dedication to the company. I've already planted the idea of replacing one of them with Rob in Olivia’s head. Now I'm just looking for some insubordination to put my plan in motion. Maybe tomorrow.
“So, I see Olivia has called all of the department heads in for a meeting in the executive wing,” Rob says. “Any idea what this is about?”
I shrug. “I can only assume it’s about the East-World Bank deal,” I answer. “That’s the big thing that happened a few days ago. I'm honestly surprised she didn't announce it sooner.”
“Oh, that’s right. You guys had a big meeting with them. How come you didn't tell me and Marcus how it went, man?”
I think back to how Olivia came at me in the parking lot because I hacked their system, and made sure I had zero thoughts about her needing me in her life. She and I haven't spoken since that day, and I honestly don't know if we ever will again. So, as much as the meeting was a resounding success in my eyes, it’s not really a happy memory for me. A day I was supposed to be celebrating turned out to be one I wish I could forget. I thought she and I were building on something. Turns out, it was nothing. It’s not that I'm too heartbroken to move on from her, but to say that I'm disappointed would be a massive understatement. I wanted us to work and believed that we would. It's a shame that she didn't.
“It wasn't the best day,” I reply honestly, as has become a habit lately. “The meeting went south with a quickness, and I may or may not have done some illegal shit to prove to EWB that their current cybersecurity was inadequate.”
Rob smirks and I smile big. “Inadequate, huh? How’d you do that?”
“It was nothing, really. All I did was hack their system and lock their CFO out of his account with a bit of ransomware. Nothing fancy.”
“You are off the chain,” Rob says as his belly shakes from laughter. “You're looking a lot like Quincy King’s son these days, bro, and I am here for it. Risking it all for the betterment of the company, huh?”
“Nah,” I say. “It may have looked like I did it for Obsidian, but I did it for her. She would've lost her mind if we left there without that deal, so I got it for her.”
Rob stares at me, slowly shaking his head. “Damn. And they say chivalry is dead.”
