Page 14 of Top Shelf
“Both.”
He let out a long, shuddering breath, then moved his other hand from the back of my neck to my waist. He squeezed again, almost like he was going to lift me off him, but instead, he tugged me closer. “So you’re a virgin?”
For the first time, I was hearing the word “virgin” without some sort of mockery and disdain behind it. He wasn’t making fun of me. He was just asking.
“Yes,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.
He nodded and brushed a touch along my jaw, his eyes roaming over my face like he was taking all of me in. “Is this something you want to do? With me?”
“Yes.”
“Did you come here hoping you’d lose your virginity?”
“No.” When he was silent again, I eased back against his firm grasp and took in his expression. He was…confused, maybe? Hurt? I struggled to read expressions most days if they were subtle like his. Maybe he didn’t believe me, and I supposed that would make sense, considering I’d just blurted out,have sex with me, like some kind of fucking chump. “I’m sorry.”
“No,” he said again. His hands moved up to cradle my jaw, and his thumbs stroked over my skin. “No, Ferris. Don’t apologize. You’re allowed to want what you want. And if I’m going to be used for sex by anyone, I don’t mind that it’s a gorgeous man like you.”
My face bloomed pink and hot from both flattery and shame. “I don’t want touseanyone. That…that sounds terrible.”
He laughed, tracing a touch over my bottom lip with a single fingertip. “I didn’t mean it like that. And I’m not opposed, okay? I’m not looking for a relationship or anything?—”
“God, no. No, that’s…I just…” I blew out a puff of air. “I was hoping for some advice today so I could figure out how to lose my virginity and get it over with so I can be like everyone else when I’m finally on the team. I’m so fucking awkward, right? And every time I get the chance, I blow it. Figuratively.”
He chucked again. “Right.”
“And then you were so nice to me. You were touching me, and I thought maybe you wanted me?—”
“I do,” he said, his voice pitched low. He leaned in and nipped at my jawline, making me shiver all over. “You were not reading the room wrong, Ferris. I wanted you the moment I saw you at the photoshoot. I just never thought I’d get a chance.”
Licking my lips, I nodded and eased back so I could look at him. My gaze was fixed on his mouth and chin. It was such a nice chin. “I don’t know why I was brave just now, but I don’tregret it. Maybe if I can be brave with you, I can be brave in the future too.”
An expression played out on his face I couldn’t read, but it was gone after a second, and he managed one of his not-quite smiles.
“You’re going to find out very quick how easy it is to have sex once you become a pro player.” He sounded really, really sad. “But it’s hard to tell if someone’s using you for clout—to say they fucked a guy in the NHL—or if they genuinely care about you and want a relationship.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that because in truth, I didn’t want a relationship. Or, well, I did. I wanted to be loved and protected by my partner. I wanted a place where I could relax and be myself and not need to have a media face or be constantly worried about breaking some social rule.
But I also knew that finding someone who understood me—who got me and wanted me as I was—would be damn near impossible. Twenty-two years of my life, and I still hadn’t come anywhere close to having that.
I looked up into his face and realized that maybe I was being that guy. WasIthe asshole using him for clout? Did I want to fuck some famous pro athlete? I felt a little sick to my stomach. I didn’t think that was the case. I liked him for him. But what if I didn’t know myself as well as I thought?
“Quinn, you know that I don’t?—”
He pressed a finger to my lips. “I know.”
“You didn’t let me finish.” My voice was muffled by the pad of his finger blocking my words.
He smiled softly, the sadness in his face fading. “Yes, but I knew what you were going to say. I know you’re not using me. Well…I suppose you are, but it’s not unwelcome.”
Oh. “Oh!” Was he going to say yes after knowing everything about me?
He leaned in. “I’m going to say yes.”
“Shit. I didn’t mean to say that out loud.”
He laughed, the sound more of a rumbling exhale than anything, but his eyes were brighter than before. “You might do that more often than you think, but I like it. It’s honest.”
Well. I’d never heard that before. One of the many—many—reasons people tended not to like me was that I was difficult to read. I struggled to emote or show how I was feeling. More than once, I’d been accused of being a narcissist because I didn’t react the way other people did.
