Page 155 of Keep Me Never
He shrugs a shoulder. “Don’t know. Maybe I was embarrassed, and when you didn’t ask, I just left it alone.”
My eyes close and I shake my head. “Why did this have to happen, Dad? All of it. Any of it. I just wanted to be better than I was, and I was starting to be. With her, I felt like I could… I just felt likemore. Like whatever I didn’t understand, the things I’d done, Mom leaving and destroying more than she had to, getting hurt and letting go of football, none of it matters anymore, not in the same way that made me feel like I couldn’t breathe anyway. Because Paige understood me. She saw me. She knew what I was, so it didn’t matter that I didn’t. So long asshedid.”
My chin falls to my chest, and I swallow. “God, I fucked up, didn’t I?” I meet his eyes, the same shade as my own. “I ruined everything by trying to fix everything on my own instead of going to her. We were supposed to be a team and I just…” I sigh, shaking my head.
“I’m not going to sit here and pretend I have the answers for you, kid, because I don’t, but I can tell you how it felt when I found out you had spinal stenosis and didn’t tell me.” I wince but hold his gaze.
“It mademefeel like we weren’t as close as I thought we were. It broke my heart, Son. To know that you kept all that in, that you carried the load that was not yours to carry alone. I felt like you didn’t believe in me enough to tell me.”
My throat clogs and I shake my head, eyes burning. “Dad?—”
He raises his hand, his smile soft. “That was how Ifelt. But it only took me an hour or two to understand it for what it is. You being the strong, selfless young man I’ve always known you were.” He tips his head. “Trying to protect your old man any way you could. You didn’t want to tell me because you thought it would have broken me down more than I already was, and you didn’t think that was fair…but you were wrong, Son. It is always one of my biggest moments of pride when I am able to be there for you when you need me. Because that is what a father does. That is what a good man does, Chase. We stand up when no one’s looking. We bleed freely for the ones we love. And you…” He trails off, shaking his head, staring back at me with something that looks a little like awe.
“You flayed yourself open without a second thought.” My jawtrembles, so I clench it harder. “You, my boy, are more of a man than I ever was.”
I blow out a harsh breath, moisture in my eyes as I drop my head back, looking at the ceiling so it doesn’t fall. “I was trying to protect her. I told her I was never going to walk away from her, and I don’t even know if she believes me.” I close my eyes. “I could never. I need her, Dad. I can’t fucking do this life without her. I don’t want to.”
My dad reaches out, giving my shoulder a little squeeze. “I know, Son. I know.”
Paige
It’s late, nothing but the sound of the ocean in the distance. The street is dark, as are the windows as I slide my key into the lock, wondering, if only for a moment, if it will even work this time. It’s a silly thought; this is my studio after all. The door opens with ease, not a single squeak, and I close it just as fast, locking myself inside.
My eyes instantly go to the back wall, to the butterflies and the photo of me and my dad. I should be shocked by how much this place feels like mine again, but I’m not. How could I be when every inch was so clearly, carefully thought out with me in mind.
I thought it was perfect before, but it’s so much more now. I can feel the effort; I feel the thought and attention, and it’s all because ofhim.
Arms crossed over my chest, I walk farther into the space, and that’s when I see him.
Curled up in the corner on a sleeping bag, as if there isn’t a big, beautiful house with his bed inside it just five minutes down the road. There’s even a duffel beside him, some clothes half strewn out, a couple other pieces stacked beside it, like he hasn’t left here in days—or if he has, he always comes right back.
Just in case I showed up?
Because he knew I would.
Just like you knew, deep down, that he would be here when you did.
He looks so peaceful, but I know he feels anything but.
I know because I feel it too, this strain…this subconscious need that won’t go away. I shouldn’t have run out that day and I shouldn’t have gone quiet after, but I was overwhelmed.
I was overwhelmed and I hurt him because of it.
My features soften and I take a step closer, watching as he starts to stir.
Slowly, hazel eyes blink open, and it’s as if I can feel his harsh inhale in my own throat.
“Paige.” His voice is rough, his surprise creating an ache in my chest.
The vulnerability in his voice kills me. It draws me closer, pulling me in even though I don’t really know what I’m doing.
I’ve thought about this a hundred times, run through the words in my head over and over, changing them each time. None were quite right and now that I’m standing here with him, I can’t even figure out a single place to start.
There is so much to say, isn’t there?
As I look down at him, at the stricken and uncertain expression on his face, I’m unexpectedly not so sure.
Chase sits up, his back resting against the wall, eyes tired and shoulders down.
