Page 120 of My Merry Mistake
She smiles and says my father’s words aloud.
Finn says and signs, “We are glad to be here.”
Dad pats him on the shoulder and signs, “Glad to have you, Finn.” But when he signs Finn’s name he uses the sign forkind, using the first letter of Finn’s name.
I go still.
My father gave Finn a name sign. And the adjective he chose to describe him was “kind.”
A few weeks ago, there were other adjectives I would’ve used to describe him—goofy, silly, unserious—but the one my dadchose is so appropriate that I have to look away because there’s a stupid lump at the back of my throat.
I doubt Finn even realizes what’s just happened. But I do. Only a member of the deaf community can give someone a name sign. It’s a sign of inclusion in my dad’s community.
And when Finn introduces Grace and her brothers to my parents, I catch my dad’s eye.
He nods at Finn then quickly signs, “good guy.” I watch Finn for a second, as he drops down on one knee and says something to Bodie.
My dad’s right. He is a good guy. But that still doesn’t mean he’s right for me. I can’t let myself go there even if there’s a part of me that’s ready to admit I’m curious.
I just can’t see it ending well. And it will end. Because it always does—even when it’s meticulously planned out, right down to the schedule and resume.
“All right, who’s ready to go?” Mom calls out. “We’re not going to find the perfect tree just standing around!” She makes a circular motion over her head, like she’s rallying troops, and everyone starts to move toward their cars.
I head down the front stairs and into the yard, unsure who I’m supposed to ride with when Finn walks up, Grace trailing behind.
Her brow is knit so tightly, that I recognize her expression immediately—a first line of defense that matches my own. It’s the stubborn streak that keeps my feelings safely locked away behind a strong façade.
The one I keep in place because, for whatever reason, I can’t let on when I’m happy. Or having fun.
Why do I do that? Why can’t I let other people know when I’m enjoying myself, or that things are actually great?
“Morning, Hart,” he says. “You remember Grace and her brothers, Bonkers and Booper.”
The boys immediately laugh and protest. “Bodie and Brady!” they yell at him.
“Oh! Shoot. Yeah, I keep forgetting.” Finn smacks the side of his head with a playful grin.
I smile and nod at the boys, then look at Grace. “I’m glad you’re here.”
“Mr. Finn is going to get us a tree!” the youngest brother shouts.
“Talk softer, Bodie,” Grace says, firmly.
“I’m going to get Miss Raya one too,” Finn leans over and whispers to them, “but only if she’s been good this year.”
He looks at me, winks, and then picks up the kid and tosses him over his shoulder. Bodie lets out a gleeful scream, but Grace rolls her eyes.
Finn bounces Bodie. “Come on, crew! Hop in.”
I do a quick scan of the driveway and see that everyone in my family is already loaded up into vehicles. Engines are started. Cars are moving. And I’m still standing here. With Finn.
Not a setup, my eye.
I look at Grace, whose brow is still furrowed. “Are you okay?”
She looks at me, then gives me a quick nod. “I’m glad the boys will have a tree this year.”
“What about you?” I ask. “Are you glad you’ll have a tree?”
