Page 74 of My Merry Mistake
The doctor told me to go home, so I did, and it was miserable. I was so restless and didn’t know what to do with myself. I tried to heat up some of the leftover soup Poppy brought over, but for some reason the smell made me nauseous, so I ended up putting it back in the refrigerator.
I showered, but even that made me antsy, wishing I was self-cleaning so I didn’t have to waste time washing myself.
I almost went to Poppy’s restaurant and volunteered to wash dishes just to get myself out of the house and keep my hands busy.
What Brian said is true—most people would love paid time off, but I am not most people. Work is more than what I do. Without it, I don’t even know who I am.
On the bright side, my pantry has never been more organized.
Even though I’m jittery, irritated, and unable to quiet my mind, I’m thoroughly exhausted.
Not exhausted. Wrung out.
Last night, I fell asleep before 8:00 p.m., and slept a full twelve hours, and I don’t even feel rested this morning. I’m sure that has less to do with some medical condition and more to do with the fact that my mind knows if I’m awake, I’m going to feel edgy and restless all over again.
It just feels so weird, almost illegal, to not be doing anything. And “not doing anything” means there’s too much time to think. More than once, I’ve had to push memories of those moments in my office out of my mind. It’s the only way to keep from spiraling.
I’m awake now, staring at the ceiling, daunted by the prospect of a whole day with nothing on the calendar. What am I going to do with myself?
I force myself to get up and brush my teeth, then grab my phone and walk into the kitchen to make some coffee.
I stand there, soaking in the silence, convinced I will never get used to it. On a normal workday, I have a plan. A system. I would’ve left an hour ago.
But here I am. Home on a weekday with absolutely no plans. I hate it.
I pick up my phone. “Hey, Siri, what do I do with a month off?”
After a pause, the female voice says, “I found this on the web for ‘what do I do with a month off.’”
The answers are, as expected, not appealing.
Travel. Learn a new skill. Focus on self-care. Staycation. Spend time with loved ones. Catch up on projects you’ve been putting off.
Ha. Catch up on projects. That’s what Ishouldbe doing.
I immediately think of ten reasons none of these things will work for me. And as soon as I do, I feel a dull ache at the base of my skull. There’s a dizzy feeling, followed by the fear I’ve beenforcing myself to ignore. Because hearing “You have to make some changes” is one thing—doing it is something else entirely.
Where do I even begin?
I have to sit down—so I do. My body is making its case loud and clear. I need to figure this out. I need to find a way to calm everything down.
But I don’t know how.
A realization slowly makes its way from the basement of my mind to the main floor: I constantly feel pressure to do something other than the thing I’m currently doing. I always feel like I’m not doing enough, and time is against me. Even after a full day of accomplishing everything on my list, all I think about are the things I didn’t get done.
My inbox is always full.
I open the chat with my sisters and see their unanswered texts from this morning.
Poppy
Just making sure you’re resting, Ray. Feeling better today?
I hope you took the day off. You need to take it easy.
Eloise
You know she doesn’t know how to do that.
