Page 142 of String Boys
“The goalpost,” Seth muttered. “The goalpost got moved again. The….” He couldn’t find words. “Brain’s all fuzzy.”
“Yeah. The painkillers are setting in. They said you had about ten minutes before you blanked out again.”
“Kelly… Kelly needs to….” What? Kelly needed to what? Needed to stay home again? Raise another child? Watch his brother die? Kelly needed…. Seth didn’t know. Couldn’t think. He was always trying to figure out what Kelly needed, but he couldn’t… not now. Seth just needed sleep.
MORE INand out. More moments with his dad and no Kelly.
Finally he opened his eyes and Kelly was there, in his peripheral vision. Seth realized he had a neck brace on—probably that soft tissue damage his dad had been talking about—and he could see Kelly but couldn’t look him in the eyes.
But he could still tell Kelly was crying.
“Don’t cry, baby,” he mumbled, and tried to come more fully awake. Breathing was easier, and he felt the stiffness on his ribs, which meant they’d been taped. His head felt better—yay!—and his leg was heavy. So heavy. He frowned and wiggled his toes. “Am I in a cast?”
“Yeah.” Kelly’s voice sounded… odd. Like it came from a swollen throat. “You got a cast. God. Seth—I… you have to not get hurt again.”
Ooh… that was good to hear. “I’ll make it a priority.” He tried to smile, but couldn’t. “You… can’t move out again, can you?”
Kelly let out a wounded sound. “He’s dying, Seth. Doctor confirmed it. Cirrhosis and carcinoma. The hept… heptsomething carcinoma is gonna make it go quick. Except quick isn’t quick. You’d think it was a guillotine or something, but he can be around next month or next year or five years. He’s just… just dying. I’m…. He’s going to stay at my mother’s, and she’s got his… God, it’s not even his baby. Do you know that? He’s like, ‘Here’s the baby I named after our father, but he’s got blond hair and blue eyes,’ and this kid cries all the time, just like Chloe, and… and we can’t leave the baby either, because… oh my God. Seth! My life is a sinkhole! You’re lying there, hurt, andmylife is what we’re talking about!”
“Kelly…,” he rasped. “Baby, calm down. We’ll see through this. We always—”
“No. No, we won’t. Because it won’t stop. It won’t stop, my life. God, Seth….” He choked on a sob. “Your agent called. Your agent called, and she was crying—not because you’d been hurt, because she didn’t even know about that, but because you were turning down New York. You didn’t even tell me New York was on the table!”
Mm… Seth’s head hurt more than he thought it did. “It wasn’t. Too far away from your family.”
“But that’s you, fucking up your life for me again!” He pulled in a sob, but it didn’t work, and Seth couldn’t keep up with him. “Don’t you get it? You will do that again and again for me. You’re here, in this fucking hospital, because you were trying to see my sister in a play. Do you get how fucked-up that is?”
“How’d she do?”
“She’s brilliant. All my sisters are brilliant. I’m the dumbshit who’s just plugging along in mediocrity here, Seth, and you’re… you’re willing to settle for that!”
Seth couldn’t sit up. He couldn’t sit up, and he couldn’t yell, and it wasn’t fair. “Stop it,” he rasped. “Stop it. Dammit, Kelly, I’m not settling for anything. This mediocre thing you’re freaking out about? That’s all I ever wanted.”
“Well, you need to find it somewhere else, because I’m not willing to let you throw yourself away on me and my fucking sinkhole of a life. You need to walk away.”
Seth pulled in a gasp and then coughed and then swore. “No,” he rasped. “And fuck you for doing this when I….” He caught his breath again and realized that even though he’d spent his whole life working on using as few words as possible, they were going to have to do it for him now.
“I. Will. Never. Walk. Away.”
Kelly was still crying. All Seth wanted to do was soothe him when he was crying, but he couldn’t.
“Please, baby. For me. Maybe… maybe someday, my brother will be dead, and I can just walk out of this fucking town, and maybe you’ll still be single. But maybe you won’t. And if you’re not, that’ll… that’ll be what was best for you. Because right now, I’m not what’s best for you. I’m pissed off, Seth. I’m pissed off, and I’m… I’m… God. I hate. I have so much hatred in my heart right now. I’m afraid it will just poison everything I’ve ever felt for you, and I….” His voice cracked in a sob, and he kept on going. “I can’t let that happen. You’re my good thing. You’re the one good thing in my life. And if I let the rest of this shit touch you, I wouldn’t even have that anymore. So you gotta… you gotta stay away. Please. If you love me, you’ll stay away. Because I love you, and I’m not in a place where I can be there for you. And you deserve so much more, baby. God, Seth. You deserve so much more. You gotta walk away.”
Seth shook his head—as much as he could—and said it again. “I. Will. Never. Walk. Away.”
And before Kelly could say the final thing, the irrevocable thing, he managed to go on. “But I get you need space. ’Cause, baby, you’re not sounding… not sounding sane. And I can’t hold you. I can’t hold you, and your family is all up in the air, and you’re afraid. You’re so afraid. I can see it from here.” He took two more breaths, and Kelly let him. “You tell me when you want me. You tell me when you need me back. I’ll keep in contact with the girls. I’ll keep contact with Chloe.” God. Chloe. He wanted to hold her so bad. “And if you need me to walk away, you say it. You say it, and I’ll be out of your family’s life for good. But if you can’t say it—you can’t tell me you’re walking away—then I’m gonna fucking be there.”
“Fine!” Kelly was shouting. “Fine! I’ll say it!”
“You look me in the eyes!” Because Seth couldn’t even tilt his head. God. Helpless. He was so fucking helpless. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you can’t love me anymore. Tell me, after all of this, you never loved me enough to share a life. Look me in the eyes and tell me that, and I’ll let you go.”
Kelly’s face appeared above his line of vision, distorted and swollen through tears. “Seth—”
“Do you love me?” he asked, and instead of strong and mad, his voice sounded broken to his own ears. “Did you ever?”
And for a horrible moment, Kelly’s face froze, like he was trying to do something with it that hurt. “Yes,” he rasped finally. “Goddammit. You know I love you. That’s not—”
“Then you take your time. You take whatever time you need. I didn’t know what sex was before you. I’m not gonna need someone else now. You might. I don’t know. Maybe it’s that. I don’t care. You take your time, and you call me when you’re ready.” Seth’s chest hurt, and he couldn’t stop the tears. Dammit. They had seen daylight. It had been shining on the calendar, the day Lily and Lulu graduated, and the day they could walk away, free. And now the world was sunk in darkness, and Seth couldn’t breathe.
