Page 146 of String Boys
Five months ago, when this arrangement had first started, Kelly might have retorted that he’dhadChloe at this age, so he must have been pretty high to forget his own daughter.
But not now.
Death was chasing Matty down on a freight train. His hair was gone from chemo, he could barely walk himself to the bathroom, and about the only happiness he had was talking Chloe into letting him a little bit closer, and holding X.
Matty had all the regrets he needed right now. Kelly didn’t want to make anybody unhappier by giving him extra.
“Sure.” Kelly gave him the barf rag automatically and let Matty take him upright, because even though X had trouble with soggy muscles, he did love to look at people’s faces.
“Hey, guy. Giving your uncle Kelly trouble? That’s no good. You gotta suck up to him now, so when you get to the part where you can run around, he thinks you’re cute enough to chase.”
Damn. Matty was charming when he wanted to be. “Don’t listen to him, X-man. You guys arealwayscute enough to chase, right, Chloe?”
Kelly made himself comfy at the foot of the bed, partly because Matty couldn’t always stay awake and Kelly needed to be there for the baby, but partly, he had to admit, because his brother was actually being…his brother.Kelly had missed him.
So fucking bad.
“Chloe said you were crying,” he said softly, and Matty grimaced.
He held out the tablet, and Chloe took it and hit rewind on Seth’s video again. Kelly’s stomach cramped with grief.
“Turn it down a little, angel. Okay?”
Chloe sighed and took it into the corner of the room, where she could hear it alone—she thought. Every note that hit Kelly’s ear sounded like Kelly’s desertion.
“It’s gorgeous,” Matty said into the sudden silence. “He must really love you.”
Kelly wanted to shrug and say, “He’ll get over it,” like he didn’t care, because he didn’t want his brother to see him bleed.
But he’d been bleeding for five months. God, maybe asoberMatty could see what kind of damage he’d done and give a shit.
“He’ll get over it,” he said, but his voice broke and his throat ached. He looked his brother in the eyes and showed him the extent of his grief.
Matty looked away. “No,” he admitted, turning his gaze to Xavier. “I… I don’t think he’ll ever get over you.”
Kelly grunted. “What do you want me to say to that?”
And Matty lifted his chin and caught Kelly’s eyes again. “I want you to say you’ll call him. You’ll bring him back. Mom said he was just waiting for you to say so.”
“I’m not going to say so while you’re still here!” Kelly wondered if he was insane, or if his brother was just that stupid. In the front room, they could both hear the door open. “That must be Agnes,” Kelly said into the silence. “She was practicing today, but sometimes she can catch the earlier bus.”
Lily was at class tonight, and Lulu was working at a nearby restaurant. Tomorrow they’d switch, except Lily would be working retail.
“Chloe,” Matty said, keeping his voice soft. “Baby, why don’t you go show Seth to your Aunt Agnes.”
Chloe stood and smiled, then ran into the other room with glee. From the living room they both heard Agnes, on a whoosh of breath, like she was picking Chloe up. “Heya, Chloe-monster. How’s things?”
“Seth made the man cry!”
“Yikes! Here—let’s start dinner so we don’t have to listen to that go down!”
Matty chuckled at the ensuing clatter from the kitchen and then cleared his throat. “Why won’t you call him?”
“How many times have you threatened him?” Kelly asked evenly. “Called him a psycho. Told me he was a murderer and you were going to call the cops? Threatened to get your daughter taken away? Just offhand. General. Ballpark. C’mon, Matty, tell me. Because he’s been offering to turn himself in to the police for years, just so it’s not hanging over the family’s head. Think about that. He’s got… he’s gotthis giftandthe world at his feet, and he’s offering to go to jail sowe’re okay.So ask the question again!” Maybe his words hadn’t come out so evenly. Maybe his voice was rising and some of the anger he’d been trying to let go of was threatening to cave in his chest.
Maybe he was wondering if he was strong enough to smother his useless fucking brother with a pillow and say, “Hey, he just fucking up and died!”
Matty wasn’t looking away from him, though. Wasn’t lowering his head in shame. Wasn’t glowering defiantly.
