Page 84 of Beneath the Stain
“Well, when they do, they’d better make sure I have a room in it, because I’m telling you right now, if we have to do this again,I’mgoing to need some fucking Valium.”
Mackey laughed, and it stuttered out after a moment. “Would you really?”
“Take a Valium? Probably not. Why?”
“I mean, do this with me again?”
Trav froze. “Are you going to need it again?” he hedged, and then waited through another silence on the line.
“God, I hope not. But if I did…? Never mind.” Mackey started to backpedal, and Trav couldn’t let him.
“Yes.” He took a deep breath and made sure he meant it. “I mean, I can’t promise unlimited get-out-of-jail-free cards, Mackey. No one can. But right now? I’d do this again, because I’ve got hope.”
Mackey’s voice thickened up again, and the next noise over the phone was not subtle and it was not hidden. “I am such a weenie,” Mackey apologized, but even Trav could hear that something in him had broken again but that maybe Mackey was learning how to fix these things.
“Baby,” Trav said, hating himself, “don’t cry. Man, I know you need to, I know it’s healthy, but… but your mom is coming. We’ll be here. Your brother still loves you. And hell, I think you made Jefferson and Stevie’syear.”
He heard the weak chuffle on the other end that indicated he’d made Mackey laugh through his tears, and he felt better.
“See? It’ll be okay. You keep thinking you’ll get out of rehab and you’ll have to do it all again, and do it alone. But I’m here this time, and it’ll be better. I mean, it’ll behard,but it won’t be like the last time you had to run the band and be a rock star and have all this shit inside you that hurt. You’ll have less shit, for one thing. But we’re here to help for the other. Okay?”
The sobbing on the other end of the line got worse. “Trav, man, I’m losing it here for a minute,” Mackey managed. “I’ll get back on the line when I’m not a fucking pussy.”
He hung up then, and Trav let him.
Getting Better
MACKEYHATEDcrying. He hated crying and he hated rehab and he hated crying in rehab.
But he had to admit, every time he cried, it got easier to stop.
He was lying on his back, wiping his face with his umpteenth tissue, when someone knocked on his doorframe. Shit. That was Blake—they’d been going to practice today.
“Come in,” he said, proud that he sounded mostly normal.
Blake sauntered in, guitar in hand, and Mackey nodded in approval. “Here, let me get mine. Sorry—got a phone call—”
“Are you okay?” Blake asked bluntly. One of the side effects of the place, Mackey guessed. Everybody felt entitled to ask that and expect an honest answer. Well, fuck. It wasn’t like Mackey didn’t need to talk about this anyway.
“Sit down,” he muttered.
Blake did—on the bed, because that was where they played—and Mackey looked at him carefully. He’d known the guy for a year, but until he’d heard him talk in group, he hadn’t really known anything about him. Dad in another state, a mom who expected him to haul his weight or move out, and a guitar. Not a pretty story—and Blake wasn’t really a pretty guy. His face was sort of thin and weaselly, and his teeth buckled in the front. He still had acne scars. But he’d been shoved into rehab, same as Mackey, and he was working with the same sort of sincerity.
And whether he got along with Mackey or not, he still showed up to practice when they had time, and he tried harder and harder every session.
And he obviously loved music. He could talk about Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin longer than Mackey, actually, and he seriously worshipped AC/DC.
They could bond, Mackey thought, his heart hurting a little. Mackey just had to give him a chance.
“See,” Mackey said before clearing his throat a couple of times, “the thing is, I had to send my family letters, so they’re all going to know, and there might be a press conference and shit—”
“You’re leaving the band?” Blake asked, sounding panicked and hurt.
“No, genius, I’mgay!”
Blake actually laughed, and then, realizing Mackey was serious, he stopped. “Wait. I mean, you thought we didn’t know that?”
Mackey rolled his eyes. “Well, it was a real goddamned surprise to Kell, I can tell you that!”
