Page 132 of Beneath the Stain
Without even looking at him, Mackey snuck his hand into Trav’s and squeezed.
Trav made himself ask the hard question, because Cheever had left on good terms, and this could only be about one person. “Kell, what’s wrong with Grant?”
Kell met Trav’s eyes like a man. “Mom says he’s dying, Trav. He’s bald and skinny, and his lips are chapped, and…. Mom asked him, and he said the doc said maybe two months. Probably less. She said he looked like he wanted it to be less.”
Trav heard Mackey’s little moan and closed his eyes.
“I’ll tell Heath to cancel the party,” Trav said calmly. “We can be on the plane to Sacramento two hours after the show.”
OH,SURE,hesoundedlike he had it all together in the bar—or, rather, he didn’t say anything at all—but that night, in thetrulyshitty Hotel Seattle America, Mackey and Trav had the biggest screaming match of their relationship.
It started before they even closed the door.
“We’rewhat?” Mackey rounded on him furiously. “You didn’t even fucking ask me if I wanted to go, Trav. Last year I couldn’t even get on the fucking plane!”
“Well, it’s this year, Mackey—are you telling me nothing’s changed?”
Mackey glared at him, hauling at the hem of his sopping hooded sweatshirt. The rain had started after Briony had stashed the equipment, and the short walk back to the hotel had drenched them all.
“Of course shit’s changed,” he said when the shirt was in a puddle at his feet. “We’re like… we’ve been living like… like a couple. Every night together. It’s awesome. I ain’t—haven’t—felt this safe in my life. But you want to go put all of that at risk? Just because….” He trailed off and swallowed, glaring around the room and kicking the sweatshirt likethatwas what was stopping his throat from working around the big bad word.
Trav ground his teeth, feeling older than Mackey for the first time since Christmas, when he’d gotten the text from Jefferson. He almost hadn’t had time to grab his carry-on before running the hell off the damned plane. He’d never be able to fly American Airlines again.
“Because he’sdying, Mackey. I need you to say that word for me. Can you say the word?”
“I don’t need to say the word—”
“Oh yes you do, you need to say the fucking word. You need to say the fucking sentence. That guy may have fucked with your heart when you were a kid, but he was your whole world and he’s dying.”
“We don’t need to dwell on that shit, goddammit—”
“That shit is the whole point,” Trav insisted. “The point is this guy meant something to you—and not justsomething, he was your fuckingeverything.I know it was a thousand years ago, but evenIremember my first crush, and it broke my fucking heart. You only get that kind of pain once, and you… it was your whole world. Iwatchedthe aftermath, remember? If you think it was bad holding this inside because he broke up with you—”
“We weren’t even going out!” Mackey retorted, wounded, backing up against the hotel wall like he could escape. “It was just a fuck in a car or a grope in a backroom or—”
“Bullshit!” Trav yelled, seeing red. “You were a goddamned child bride, McKay! You wereclaimedat fourteen—if he hadn’t called it off, you would have toured together joined at the cock and the ass. You think I don’t know that?”
“But it’s not the same,” Mackey yelled back almost tearfully. “What he and me did, what you and I have, it’s not the same. I don’t want to give up you and me for me and him—how can you ask me—”
Trav’s lower lip wobbled. “I’m not asking you to go back to him, baby. I’m asking you to say good-bye to him. Yeah, if life was fair, you could’ve waited another five years, and you would have been fine with that. But life’s not fair, and he’sdying—and I’ve yet to hear you say that, by the way. You have to say good-bye to him. If you don’t, you’ll never be square inside.”
“You think seeing him again is gonna make me square inside?” Mackey snarled, so vicious that Trav actually flinched. “You think we’re ever gonna have a chance to talk? You watch—it’ll be the same old bullshit. I’ll be there, watching him die, and my insides will be screamingGrant Adams Fucked Mackey Sanders More Than He Ever Fucked His Wifeand he’ll just nod and smile and shine the whole world on.”
“Well then you can say good-bye to that too,” Trav snapped. “You can go see him, and be with me, and he can die knowing what he missed out on. Does that make you any happier?”
“That’s fuckin’mean,” Mackey said, horrified, and Trav knew it was and didn’t give a ripe shit.
“Yeah, but you think I don’t need to see it happen too?” Trav shot back, feeling like a heel for the first time since Terry. “You werekillingyourself over the guy—and I picked up the pieces. If you can’t go back to say good-bye foryouor forhim,do it for me!”
“Why?” Mackey demanded. “Why? What’ve I ever done to make you think I need that? Have I ever cheated, Trav? Have I ever evenlookedat another guy?”
“I’m not talking about cheating, Mackey. Goddammit, have you never heard of closure?”
“Maybe I’m not strong enough for closure!” Mackey shouted.
Trav sucked in a gasp of air and froze, his mouth open. Oh. That was the problem. Mackey had just seemed so damnedcapablethis past year—Trav had forgotten that he’d never known his own strength.
“Maybe I’m not strong enough, you ever thought of that? Because I love you, and I wouldn’t have him if he was served ass-up on a silver platter, but maybe I go in there and see him all sick and shit, and my insides, they’ll just open up and I’ll die too! I spent a long time being a big oozy fuckin’ hole, Trav—maybe I don’t want to do that again! Maybe I only get once to heal from something like that, you think?”
