Page 66 of Beneath the Stain
Oh my God! His shrink’s lip really was wobbling. Mackey gaped at him.
“What?” Mackey asked again. “Seriously, what’s the big deal? This place is no faggots allowed? ’Cause I’ve got to tell you, you’ve got a couple of orderlies here who are giving it to each other in the supply closet, and them fuckers areloud! So only me? I’m no—”
“No,” Dr. Cambridge said, seemingly coming out of some sort of weird trance. “You’re fine, Mackey. Your secret is safe with me, which is good, because we’ll probably be talking about it alot, but don’t worry. This is totally a safe place, and you don’t have to worry. Nobody in rehab will judge you—”
“Then what were the googly eyes and the drool all about?” Mackey demanded. He slid off the bed and started rooting under it to find his moccasins. They made you wear clothes and shit to dinner, but so far moccasins seemed to fall under “casual footwear,” and since they didn’t require socks and went with pajama bottoms, Mackey was a fan.
“I… I mean, I used to think I was good at my job,” Cambridge said. It didn’t really sound like he was talking to Mackey. “People would ask me, I’d say, look, there’s the degrees, I’m making some money, rich people pay me to unfuck their lives, and yeah, I’m decent….”
Mackey found a moccasin and slid his foot in. Ah, yes. Something about warm feet made even the jitters of not working and not fixing a little more tolerable.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” he demanded bluntly. “I’m lost. Am I, like, a mark on your record or something?”
Cambridge glared at him. “I’m supposed toknowthese things, Mackey. Being a closeted gay rock star has fucked up more lives than you can possibly count. It’s important information to share about yourself, do you understand?”
It sounded like he was enunciating carefully because Mackey was stupid.
“Nnoo.” Mackey enunciated just as clearly. “Why in the fuck would you care that I’m gay?”
Cambridge cleared his throat. Several times. “Mackey, you’ve sat in group therapy for three days. You’ve heard people talking about their children, their boyfriends, their girlfriends, their mistresses, and the stranger they banged who gave them HIV, which is when they decided to go to rehab. Do you know what these people have in common?”
Mackey grimaced. He remembered the poor girl who had woken up with HIV and a hangover. “Their judgment is as shitty as mine and they need to wear rubbers?”
“They’rehuman, Mackey. The people you fall in love with are part of what makes youhuman. They’re also the same people who might send you screaming for Percocet and whiskey, soyes, who you love is really important to the rehabilitation process!”
Mackey rolled his eyes—and fought off a coldness in his chest. It was exactly what he’d thought when he’d left. He was eventually going to have to talk about Grant.But Trav knows, and he said he’s pulling for me.
And he’d given Mackey a hug there, at the end. A real hug.
“Okay, then. So I’m gay. Now you know. And nobody else does. And there we are.”
Something funny happened to Doc Cambridge’s face: his eye started to twitch, for one thing, and Mackey laughed and pointed.
“You’re thinking about it again,” Mackey said slyly. “Tell the truth. You’re thinking that there’s a boxing ring in the gym and you’re gonna put my last publicity shot on the big bag and beat that fucker to dust, right?”
Cambridge took a deep breath, but he didn’t deny it. “Mackey, we’re going to talk about this more later—I swear, we really are. But right now, I want to ask you something that you don’t have to respond to right away. Just think about it, okay?”
Mackey nodded and toed on his other moccasin. “Shoot, Doc, but hurry. We’re running out of time for me to go push my vegetables around.”
“Why’s it so important that you piss people off? Why do you work so hard at it? Why?”
The doc’s voice cracked a little, and Mackey sighed. Yeah, sure, hesaidMackey didn’t have to answer him right away, but Mackey thought he’d pushed the guy enough, and it was only right.
“’Cause when they’re pissed at me, at least they know I’m there,” Mackey said. “You spend enough time with a town that wants you to disappear, you realize that you can’t do that when someone wants to slug you.”
With that he turned and sauntered to the dining room. They were having some sort of lettuce with protein today—God knew he didn’t want to miss it.
How was dinner?Trav asked, right before lights-out.
Lonely. Blake’s got friends, and I piss people off.
Yeah? Who’d you piss off today?
Mackey laughed a little. Well, Trav knew him and didn’t hate him for it.Blake, for one. The shrink.
He took a breath. This one hurt. He hadn’t meant to do it. In fact, for once in his miserable life, he thought he was helping.
Who else?
