Page 66 of Fish in a Barrel
“How long?” he asked gently.
“Three hours,” Jackson muttered, figuring giving in was easier on Ellery than fighting it. “I’m sorry. I was restless, and you were so tired.” He met Ellery’s eyes. “Please, Ellery? Don’t make a big deal out of it this time? Everybody needs a rest. You can’t take care of me when you’re falling apart yourself. Let me spare you some of the scary shit sometimes. You know it’s there. I don’t think you’re going to forget. But you needed to sleep. Everybody did. You’re going to burn out on worrying about me if you don’t take a break.”
Ellery swallowed and gave a small smile. “I’ll never burn out on worrying about you,” he said softly. “But point taken. Just… just when you have to do that, tell me in the morning? Tell me if it was a bad one? Tell me what it was? I’ll be more okay with you self-medicating if you don’t try to hide it from me.”
Jackson nodded. “Deal,” he said, feeling unaccountably emotional. “I… you just looked really tired.”
Ellery let out a weak laugh. “Yeah, baby. But this time it’s really not your fault.”
Jackson laughed slightly. “It’s a little my fault,” he admitted.
Ellery’s laugh grew stronger. “A little,” he conceded, squeezing his eyes shut hard. When he opened them, they were red-rimmed and shiny. “I… you brought backup this time,” he said, sounding raw. “You contacted me as often as you could. You came home right into my arms. I have nothing to complain about.”
Jackson heard what wasn’t said, and he stood and crossed the space between them, then wrapped his arms around Ellery’s shoulders.
“Except…?”
“Except I worry about you,” Ellery mumbled, face buried against his neck. “I worry about how long you can keep doing this. I worry that someday your luck or your lives or whatever will run out. I… I want you for as long as I can get you, but God, Jackson, I want you for longer than a few years.”
His voice broke, and Jackson pulled him tighter, thinking that they’d both been so tired three days ago they wouldn’t have had the energy for this discussion then.
“Don’t give up on me,” he whispered into Ellery’s ear. “I’ll learn to duck, I swear. For you? I’ll learn to walk on fences or fly or anything you need me to. I’m not as smart as you, though. It’s only been a year.”
Ellery’s shoulders shook for a moment, and then he relaxed, giving Jackson some of his weight. “You’d better,” he said. “I know you joke about me moving on if I lose you, but I don’t think that’s what would happen.”
“No?” Jackson asked tenderly.
“It’s hard to look for another man when your sky turns black and the world has crumbled up and turned to powder. I don’t have a spare heart in my pocket in case youdon’tlearn to duck and I lose you. You have to have faith in the world to love, Jackson. Youaremy faith. Don’t take my faith away from me.”
“No,” he agreed, humbled. “Someday, you and me, we’ll stand in a park, in public, and we’ll tell the world that we love each other. I can’t promise much, but I promise I’ll make it to that day, okay?”
Ellery jerked sharply, as though slapped. “Did you just promise me we’ll get married?”
Jackson opened his mouth and closed it, appalled. “Did I?”
“Youdid! You promised me we’ll get married, and then youtempted the fatesby saying you’ll drop dead the day after!”
Now Jackson recoiled. “I did not!”
“Oh, you did too!”
“I didn’t! I swear! Jesus, Ellery, if we go to all the trouble to get married, don’t you think we should at least make it a couple of years after that?”
“I’m pulling for fifty!” Ellery snapped. “Now say it again, but don’t spoil it with the bad part.”
Jackson racked his brains desperately. “Uhm, I promise, you and me, we’ll stand in a park, and we’ll tell the world that we love each other—oh myGod. I did. Ididjust promise we’ll get married! Shit!”
“Are you going to take it back?” Ellery glowered.
“No.” Jackson folded his arms across his chest and then grimaced when the movement pulled his gods-be-damned stitches. “No, I’m not going to take it back. But you know. Not a proposal or anything.” For a moment Ellery looked like he was going to crumble again, and Jackson hurriedly jumped in to save the moment. “Yet.”
Ellery’s smile through his tears was like… like ice cream after a shit pizza. Like a perfect chord after a middle-school band. Like sunshine and rainbows and birds and butterflies after a hurricane. “But it’s coming,” he said, like Jackson had offered him a lifeline in a storm.
Jackson felt a little hurt. “Of course, Ellery. You know I couldn’t love anybody like I love you, right? Of course it’s coming. I’m just….” He shifted uncomfortably. “You know. Slow.”
Ellery gave one of those big smiles again. “It’s like the cavalry,” he said, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. “I just have to know it’s coming. I can hold out forever if I know it’s on its way.”
Jackson moved in close again and used the hem of his soft T-shirt to wipe Ellery’s eyes. He was throwing it in the hamper as soon as Ellery left anyway.
