Page 61 of Karma Kitty Christmas
“He wasn’t a monster,” he said, fingering the Cthulhu on his vest and smiling. “I… I need to remember that.”
“No,” Luca said softly. “You wouldn’t have loved him if he’d been a monster. He was simply not….”
“Not a good time,” Isaac said with a small laugh. “But for a little while, I thought he was what I needed.”
“And now?” Luca asked.
Isaac smiled into his eyes. “And now I’ve met someone who’s not only agreattime, but who is alsoexactlywhat I need.”
“Ooh,” Allegra teased her brother. “Did you hear that? I think he said he loves you more than yarn.”
Luca chuckled. “Now I wouldn’t gothatfar—”
“I would,” Isaac said, and that warm moment, that piece of his soul that hadn’t sat right for years and years and years finally clicked into place. “Idolove you more than yarn.”
Luca’s attention was completely on him, their eyes saying these things that their hearts heard.
“Oh stop that,” Allegra ordered. “I was promised pancakes and yarn, and after this morning, somebody had better pony up!”
THAT AFTERNOON—after a giddy and expensive trip to the yarn store—Isaac volunteered to put the new purchases in the stash boxes, keeping things vaguely organized. He was moving boxes around when he spotted it—that linen tote with the many skeins of ugly brown alpaca yarn.
Except it wasn’t ugly, he thought, pulling the canvas bag of it out of the box and touching it with gentle fingers. It was, in fact, amazingly soft, and it wasn’treallycrap brown. It was spun through with other colors, surprising hints of orange or purpleor blue or red saving it from being boring, suggesting all sorts of things that it could be thatdidn’tinclude a plain sweater, no cables, no lace, no colorwork.
Hats, for example. Hats with Christmas lights dancing around them. Or maybe reindeer prancing. Maybe a thick scarf with purple and orange and red and blue stripes. Maybe a headband with an intricate pattern in cream or white worked into it in contrast.
Maybe all the things that would keep his students and his teacher friends warm in the winter and spread the love and the joy of the hobby while purging this yarn of the bitterness of what had felt like a betrayed heart.
Todd had never betrayed him, Isaac thought sadly. Todd was who he’d always been, but that person was not who Isaac had needed. That didn’t make him a monster—or even a mistake.
It made him a person Isaac had loved once, someone who’d had moments of kindness, moments of passion. Even, Isaac thought, remembering their wedding day and Todd’s simple, almost embarrassed kiss at the end of the justice of the peace ceremony, moments of sweetness.
Isaac would probably have moved on from that relationship if given a little more time. Thinking back on it now, he’d been making plans to leave, to move out, in the quietest part of his mind. But they hadn’t had the time to say goodbye, to part amicably, to be friends who were no longer meant to be lovers.
Luca, he thought, pulling out the balls of contrasting yarn for the brown,Lucahad been meant to be his lover. Isaac might not have made it to meet Luca if he hadn’t spent that time with Todd.
When he had the project bag full of yarn and needles, of ideas and plans, he stepped back from his stash and looked at the brown alpaca/wool blend in the tote hanging from his wrist.
Todd didn’t need to be erased from his memory. He didn’t need to be hidden in the back of Isaac’s mind like unwanted worsted. Memories of Todd could be woven throughout Isaac’s other memories of that time, and he would be sturdy and necessary—and yes, loved.
But he wasn’t who Isaac wanted to be withnow.
With a happy little sigh, Isaac took his kid-knitting projects into the living room and sat down, determined to put his life into order like perfect little loops on a shaft of wood, ready for all its potential to be released into the world.
Thanks and Giving
LUCA HADspent Thanksgiving at Nonna and Pop Pop’s since he’d been kicked out of the house. In fact he’d lived there for the first two years after his parents had disowned him, but they’d kept that fact hidden so Allegra would be allowed to visit. It was one of the reasons he’d been so dedicated to remodeling their house for resale—after those years of fixing leaky faucets and tripping over soft subflooring, he knew where the fixes were needed, and he was itching to repair them.
After Allegra had her own showdown with their parents, she’d done the same—right down to the two years of living with them before she found roommates and then her useless boyfriend.
But this year, Nonna and Pop Pop were coming to Isaac’s house, which more and more each day felt like Luca and Allegra’s house too. Allegra had asked permission (at first) to hang up more framed pictures—in the hallways, in the guest rooms. Then Isaac had told her she didn’t need permission, but she did need to let him in on the decision-making, because they had too much fun picking stuff out.
Lots of hours of poring over catalogues came after that.
They’d even repainted the guest rooms and made lists of furniture they’d like to buy. Luca had gotten in on that action and had started thinking about light fixtures, backsplashes in the bathrooms, window treatments, new tile. The house, which had loomed behind Isaac like an unfulfilled promise, was suddenly sheltering them,caringfor them, as they returned the favor. Isaac had added to the art in his bedroom with something that looked like an impressionist jungle, and they’d spent agiddy morning in bed trying to find different animals. Was that a cheetah? Or a mandrill? Was that a tiger or a snake? The painting was beautiful, and even the ambiguity was part of that beauty.
Luca couldn’t imagine Isaac’s late husband loving that painting, but he couldn’t imagine a world in which Isaac hadn’t found it. Luca had started a quiet monologue in his head, talking to Todd Dupree, telling him all the things he hadn’t known about Isaac, the things he’d been missing out on.
He loves the color blue. Blue. It’s so easy. I don’t see one single item of blue anywhere but the yarn room. You couldn’t have filled his life with blue the way he tried to fill your life with tan?
