Page 59 of Hello Handsome
How long had this been waiting for me? How long had I glanced at her nightstand, not knowing something so precious was waiting for me?
I shed my jacket and sat at the dining room table for a long while. “You could have told me you left a note,” I muttered to Maya in case she was watching me.
Of course she didn’t reply.
My fingers shook as I tore back the fragile envelope flap glued together. And then I pulled out the page of notebook paper, carefully covered in Maya’s sweet handwriting.
My sweet Gray,
In all the ways I imagined our lives together, I never thought I’d be writing a letter like this. I thought we would raise our babies together, enjoy our grandchildren and spoil them rotten. I thought I’d get a million horseback rides with you as we checked on the cattle you care so much about, talking about nothing and everything like we always do.
But this diagnosis has ripped all those futures away from us, and I’m left without a future, forced to focus on the moment instead.
The soft wisps of Bryce’s blond hair under my fingertips.
Hayes’s sweet drawings filled with so much love.
Ford’s pride every time he shows off those muscles he’s building.
Knox’s blue eyes catching the light with that mischievous grin.
Fletcher’s mouth twisted to the side as his mind sorts through a homework problem.
The feel of your callouses as you hold my hand, not knowing how many minutes like this we have left.
It’s not the future I dreamed of—but it’s the present I get to savor.
And even though I’m grateful for every moment I get to have with you and my babies, I need to talk about the future. I understand you don’t like me talking about what happens after I die, but it’s coming, baby, no matter how much we try and run from that truth.
So I hope you find this letter and truly hear the words you couldn’t face while taking care of me.
It’s hard leaving you, knowing the boys are going to struggle without their mom. They will hurt long and deep, and grief will claw its way through them. Let them feel it—every hard part. I hope you feel it with them. Because shoving down pain just means it will sink its claws deeper.
And once you’re done feeling the pain, I want you to feel joy too, without guilt. Don’t hold back because you couldn’t experience it with me. Do it all, feel it allforme.
I want you to hold our children close as they grow, because I won’t, and give all your love to our grandbabies because I know they’ll be incredible.
I want you to know what it feels like to grow old with someone at your side because I’ll never get to.
I want you to fall in love all over again because experiencing it with you was the best part of my life.
I love you and your big, beautiful heart, Gray Madigan.
Thank you for life’s greatest adventure.
Love you always,
Maya Madigan
Tears fell freely down my face as I read her words, picturing her holding pen to paper as her body failed her, taking time to write this note to me, knowing I wouldn’t have this conversation with her while she was alive.
I wished I’d found it sooner. Not only to see my wife’s handwriting, but because now Aggie was with someone else, and I’d never risk her happiness to save my own.
37
AGGIE
As I setout my outfit for this evening’s date with Jameson, I realized that we had been seeing each other for exactly three months. I hadn’t expected our relationship to last this long, but I enjoyed the time I spent with him. He was more adventurous than me—taking me dancing, to the zoo in Dallas, even to a fancy dinner and doing goat yoga at a ranch that served farm-to-table food.
