Page 78 of Crumbling Truth
Christ, if anyone had told me I’d start blubbering in the corner of a coffee shop with my brother during this trip, I wouldn’t have believed it. I covered my face as the tears fell. When Alex moved into the chair beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, I didn’t protest, just leaned my head against his. He didn’t speak as he offered the kind of unconditional support that I’d denied him ever since that night.
“I’m so sorry,” I told him again, the words muffled by my hands.
“I’ll forgive you for everything if you sort this shit out with Esther,” he said dryly, but he squeezed my shoulder. “Seriously, Theo. She deserves to know what you’re feeling. It’s her future, too.”
I wiped my cheeks and looked up at the ceiling to try to quell any more tears. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I’m just so fucking afraid that she doesn’t feel the same.”
With a laugh, Alex said, “Dude, she hasn’t dated since that bastard died. I’ve never heard so much as a whisper that she’s had even a one-night stand. She’s barely seen her friends, for fuck’s sake. If she’s been putting up with your stupid ass day in and day out for weeks now, I think that’s a pretty good sign.”
“When did my baby brother get so wise?”
“Probably since I started dating Isabelle. You’ll like her, man. She has a two-year-old son who’s just the coolest kid I’ve ever met. Before her, I was just, I don’t know, surviving. Coasting along. I didn’t think I deserved to find real happiness.”
I flinched. Eighteen years later and he was still paying penance for an accident. “And you found it with her?”
His smile widened. “Yeah, I did. Dominic has food allergies. That’s why I put her in touch with Esther. They emailed back and forth a bit, and Isabelle wanted me to drop off a Christmas card for her.”
“I am the world’s biggest asshole,” I muttered.
“Maybe, but you’re a lovable asshole. Tell her everything, Theo. The truth, all of it. Let her make a decision based on that. If she thinks you’re still planning to leave, then I can’t say I’d blame her for not wanting to put up with your bullshit just to see you walk away.”
I turned and hugged him tight to my chest, releasing him only when he thumped my back twice to get me to let go. “I love you, even when you’re pointing out what a dick I am. If Esther forgives me, maybe we can all have dinner sometime, the five of us.”
Alex’s smile lit up like the Christmas tree in Town Park. “Yeah, man, that’d be great. Good luck with Esther.”
I thanked him, hugged him again, and took my coffee with me as I stepped out into the cold. If Alex could forgive me even after eighteen years of pain, hopefully Esther could, too. Throughout the short drive home, I started to think maybe my luck would turn again, that she would gladly open the door to let me throw myself at her feet and beg her forgiveness.
But my luck had apparently run out, because when I got back to the house, Esther’s car was gone.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Esther
Threedaysofswitchingfrom nighttime pajamas to daytime pajamas and a steady diet of coffee, Christmas cookies, and popcorn had started to wear thin. When I heard Theo’s truck leave on Wednesday, I threw myself into a lightning fast shower, pulled on real clothes, and hightailed it out of there.
I wasn’t sure where I was even going. Barely consuming any real nutrients meant my fridge was still fairly well-stocked, so the grocery store was out. I’d ordered gifts for my sister’s two kids online, and my presents for Anita and Lou had been wrapped and perched on the mantle since before they even left town.
Maybe I’d pick something up for Sofia and Chase.
For the first hour, I drove aimlessly, weaving through Spruce Hill, until I found myself at theWelcome to Oakvillesign. My hometown was truly tiny, more a hamlet than its own township. Where Spruce Hill had grown and flourished over the years, Oakville had maintained a minuscule row of stores on Main Street and a single fall apple festival that attracted tourists forday trips before they moved to greener pastures along Lake Ontario or the Finger Lakes.
I hadn’t been back to Oakville since the day my parents sent me away.
Though I didn’t intend to stop, I pulled into an open parking spot in front of a bookshop. There I sat, staring out the slowly fogging windshield toward the display windows. Everything was decorated for the holidays, draped in garlands and big red bows, a wreath on almost every door. This stretch of shops looked like it belonged on a Christmas card.
The emptiness I’d been all too happy to cultivate started to fold in on itself, bringing back the ache in my chest as I imagined myself and Theo in each of the couples strolling down the street, bundled in scarves and hats, laughing and pausing to kiss under a sprig of mistletoe hung in a doorway.
Maybe because of the proximity, maybe as a side effect of heartbreak, I started to wonder if my parents had ever been one of those couples. I could easily picture Anita and Lou like that, young and in love, but thoughts of my parents invaded my mind.
They had loved me, no matter how hard my sister tried to convince me otherwise during my childhood. My mom wouldn’t have been moved to do all of that baking if she hadn’t cared about me, but somewhere along the way, once I was old enough to look out for myself, things changed. My choices stopped mirroring their view of what my future looked like.
Was I destined to be a disappointment to everyone in my life, or was I just a scapegoat for things that didn’t even concern me?
I dashed away the tear that rolled down my cheek and was just about to start the engine again when someone tapped on my window. A breathless shriek escaped my lips before I blinked the smiling face into focus and rolled down the window.
“Alex, hey,” I said with forced gaiety.
His smile fell as he studied my face. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to bother you, we were just picking something up from the store and I saw you sitting here. I wanted to introduce you to Isabelle and Dominic, but we can do it some other time.”
