Page 101 of Hamartia
We’re both quiet for a long time before he shifts, propping his head up to look at me. He’s on my left and so has a perfect view of it. I should have expected it.
“Will you tell me what happened now?” he says. “With your eye. With your…girlfriend.”
I look round at him. “She didn’t do this. Though maybe I’d have deserved it…” I give him a meaningful look.
He gives me a grim smile.
I’m still not sure about anything where Mase and Cam are concerned, except that I feel less angry about it all now, now that I’m here. With him. I think I can even understand why Mase did it. Watching me shit all over a relationship he wished he had.
“My best friend did. Mason. He’s in our band.”
Jae looks very serious, concerned. “He hit you? Why?”
Fuck, where to even start? Jae doesn’t want to know this shit—why would he? I don’t want to talk about Camille and Mason and the mess I have to go back to. The mess I helped create. I want to pretend that I never have to go back at all. But I know I have to tell him something and so I decide to tell him the fundamental reason why Mase suckered me across the face.
“He heard me on the phone, talking to you. He accused me of cheating on Camille…and I guess he was right.”
Jae sits up, looking horrified. “Your best friend hit you because of me?”
“What? No, notbecauseof you.” I follow him up. “Because ofme.Because he…well, it’s complicated.” Jae still looks worried. “He doesn’t know about you. No one knows about you, well, except for my mom. Don’t worry.”
I don’t want him to start freaking out about this, about the prospect that anyone would tell anyone about this. I know how strict his company are about this shit. Cleo knows but she doesn’t know his name and I know for a fact she won’t tell another soul. This is mine and she’ll respect that.
“I’m not…” He shakes his head, biting his lip. “I am not worried about that.”
I sit forward, closer, so we’re facing each other. “Then what are you worried about? Talk to me, Jae.”
His hands are knotting the sheets and he’s avoiding my eyes; I don’t like how it makes me feel. I want to pull him into my arms, kiss him again, but he looks skittish as a scared cat and I’m not sure he wants that.
“You’re…this is…” He lets out a little growl of frustration at not being about to find whatever words he needs. He looks at me, at my face, as though he’ll find them there. “What are you doing?”
I frown. “What? Nothing?”
“No, I mean, here. With me. This.” He motions between us. “Because this is already so difficult for you and you are losing things because of me and I don’t know what I can offer you instead of those things, except this sneaking around and hiding and that is not something normal for you. Not like you had with your…with Camille and—”
I surge up so I’m kneeling and pull him into my arms.
“Baby, you gotta stop talking now because you’re ruining my post–orgasmic bliss.” I kiss his head and then his temple and slowly, so slowly, I feel him soften into me. His body turns pliant and his arms grip hold of my shoulders. “Where’d that come from?”
I pull back to look into his eyes. Milk chocolate with honeycomb pieces. He’s still breathing a little hard so I kiss him, licking into his mouth until he starts kissing me back. I separate our mouths gently and nudge his nose with mine.
“Talk to me. Where did that come from?”
He shakes his head, casting his eyes down. “I don’t know. I just…everything feels so real now that you are here and I am scared of letting you down, of not being who you need me to be.”
I frown at that. “Who do you think I need you to be?”
He casts his eyes about, still avoiding looking at me. I gently tilt his head up.
“Why would you let me down?”
“I…don’t think…” He shakes his head. Looking so fucking sad.
I want to kill whatever and whoever made him feel like that, except I’m worried it’s me.
“I am not strong like you,” he says softly. “I don’t think I can give you what you want. I cannot be beside you at events or hold your hand and walk down the street. It would destroy our band. Here in Korea it is…the label…the public…it is not the same as in America.”
There are tears in his eyes now and my heart feels like it’s being torn apart looking at them. I wrap an arm around him and pull him onto my lap.
