Page 92 of Hamartia
It is just a babble of noise and questions until Seungmin tells everyone to be quiet.
“This is my business,” I tell them firmly, though there is a tremor in my voice.
“Well, that’s not technically true is it?” Xan says, who looks furious in a way I don’t understand. “Everything we do affects the entire band. Something you are more than aware of, Jaehyun-ah. Have you any idea what this will do to us if the media catches even a hint of it?”
“Of course I’m aware,” I snap.
“But you are going to do it anyway.” He nods. “No matter how much it affects the rest of us. Because you are as selfish as you have always been.”
“That’s enough, Sang-kyu,” Ji-hoon says, his voice low and authoritative.
The room stills. It’s been a long time since I have heard him use that tone with anyone. Since any of us have. But Xan certainly. Xan defers to his elder and says nothing else. But then he stands and storms from the room. Not before throwing another weighted look in my direction.
The meeting wraps up quickly after that, though of course I’m asked to stay behind to run Lua and Seungmin through the scant details of mine and Raphael’s holiday plans. It isn’t of course, but it also is, very much like I’ve misbehaved in class and I will explain myself to the teachers.
Before Kai leaves he gives me a look that could be saying any manner of things. Mostly though, it looks like concern.
Seungmin-ssi and Lua want to know the exact nature of Raphael’s engagement which is—according to Newsen—very much still on. I can only tell them what he told me—which is that it is over. For some reason, this earns me soft almost pitiful looks from them both and I feel my cheeks heat. It puts a sort of scrutiny on this thing between Raphael and I that I don’t like at all. They tell me that while this may be the case, it doesn’t ease their concerns about how it will all look if this should get out. To this I say that since it’s their job to stop that happening, and since they have always been supremely successful at it, I don’t fully understand the concern.
Still, they encouragemeto encourageRaphaelto at least formally announce his break-up with his actress girlfriend. Without any mention of us of course. I have absolutely no intention of doing this but of course I nod and tell them I will consider it. Our relationship, or whatever this is, has survived this long only because I’ve treated it with fragile hands and a tender touch. A butterfly’s wings. To which any pressure applied whatsoever will result in a torn and broken body. Mine.
I give Lua Raphael’s flight details which he sent last night, so they can arrange a car to pick him up at Incheon and bring him to my place, and then there’s a question about sexual health practices which makes me feel like a child. Do I know his status? Have we used protection in each of our instances of intercourse?The company would prefer to know the sexual status of all partners, but we understand this is not an easy conversation to have so early in the relationship.I’m reminded that a doctor is available for the partners of all members, and that we can both be tested together if this will make it easier, and then I am done.
Out in the hallway, Ji-u is waiting, jittery with tension as I knew he would be. He lifts his head from his phone and there’s a look in his eye like hurt. Betrayal too, perhaps.
“Do you want to get some food?” he asks, despite him finishing his pot ramen less than thirty minutes ago.
I nod though I’m not hungry.
When we’re settled in a corner booth of the company restaurant, bowls of steaming Yukaejang in front of us both, he sits back in his seat and stares at me. Brown eyes big and wide, brimming with innocence. He’s only two years younger than I am, but some days I feel that gap is far wider.
“You’re angry with me,” I say.
He thinks about this before shaking his head. “Not angry.”
“Disappointed? Confused? Hurt?”
He thinks about this too and then lifts one shoulder in a shrug. “I guess, yes. All of that. There are no men in Korea for you to date?”
I huff out a laugh because he is nothing if not unwaveringly direct. There is no rudeness in him, it is just his manner.
“There are many, I suppose, just not many who want to date me.” It is supposed to be a joke but somehow it comes out sounding both joyless and self-important.
“I don’t know about that, Hyung. You are…” He waves his spoon in my direction. “You are Jaehyun.”
As if this explains everything. Though in some way, I suppose it does. People want to date me because I am Jaehyun, and conversely, the opposite is also true.
“It wasn’t planned, Ji,” I tell him. “And I didn’t keep it from you on purpose. I only wanted to see if it would become something…serious.”
“And is it? Are you serious about Raphael Scott, Hyung?”
Fragile hands. Tender touches. A butterfly.
“It is early. I do not know yet,” I reply, but it rings with a note of untruth. “But I would like to be.”
Ji-u’s face softens and he reaches forward to pick up his spoon. Only after he takes a huge slurp and makes a tiny high-pitched noise of pleasure as he swallows, does he answer.
Conversationally almost, he says: “Then it is Ji-hoon-Hyung I’m worried about.”
